So I havent posted in a while, should be a good sign right???
Ive been doing the same that I have since I joined here, following the 37 rules to the best of my ability, following Kaffe's advise. Leaving my wife alone about this situation and just living and doing the right things....
Sunday, it all stopped. My wife and I have been communicating and parenting well, we have been enjoying each others company.... She was rambling Sunday night, in a good mood, I felt it was right and just asked "are we going to keep ignoring the issues or are we going to deal with them and get our relationship back on track?" She thought for just a moment, I could see she was struggling so I jumped in and said "We can handle this any which way you like. We dont need to go over everything if you dont want to. If you want to just put your ring back on and start to move things forward we can". I stopped there. She started to say things that from my perspective were not true. I didnt voice this. She said things that were somewhat hurtful, I didnt say anything. I just told her after she was done speaking that I was not here to defend myself or clarify anything. That I was simply here to listen and understand her perspective and to try and figure out how I can best help put our relationship back together. She agreed to. I slept in bed last night for the first time in 6 weeks!
The other thing that did not happen and I was proud of myself for this because it has been a weakness of mine, I didnt bring up anything she does wrong or suggest that there were things that she needed to fix. I really hope that she see's these issues and puts effort into fixing them but I have to fix me and my contribution first... and hopefully she will come around with me operating this way. Even if she doesnt, I am improving myself and becomming more of a man and more of a role model for my kids.
One dark chapter down!!!! Obviously this is a long book that has many chapters but honestly I am glad to have that one done and over. I need to stay focused and make many of the new habits just that, habit.
So I was asked by another member to share a little more about my situation so Ill share a little more and if there are more questions....fire.
The problem with our relationship was simple. We didn't take care of us. We took really good care of the kids and.we.did a lot of fun things but we rarely left the kids to do stuff for us.
4kids later...time passes..intimacy is pretty much non existant...she starts spending most of her time with her twin...who is very unhappy and tries to mess with our relationship....whom I have to do a lot of man things and help be the father fig of her 3 kids...wife stays at home and as much of a blessing as that is...its also problematic. She starts trying to make herself happy by shopping a lot..bought fake boobs without discussing it with me until the preop appointment...Sister starts encouraging wife to stay out at bars and stay the night at their dads house...kind of like a small midlife crisis I guess.
I know there is not another man. Smaller community. I am well known. Her dad says everything is fine. But I drew a line and will not accept this type of stuff. I am fine with her trying to figure out what she wants to do but I wont go through the drinking and staying out all night. There is a healthy less destructive way to figure things out.
Then this text bs happens..She blows up...and kicks.me out for a week. I went home at the end of the week. I wasn't invited and that was made very clear when I got back. I have a little bit of a life...as much as I can handle without interfering with family. I just kept doing what I do. Go to the gym.work.come home and take care of kid stuff. After the kids were in bed I would read stuff here and other stuff. I took the next 5 weeks to really evaluate myself and figure out how I could do things better. I also created a strategy that I think will work and if it doesn't I can adjust or at least say I gave it my best. I also figured out what I was willing to deal with and what I wasn't.
I left.my wife alone about this more than I usually would..during this time I displayed the changes that I needed to make when I had the chance. Never brought up the change...just did it. After 5 weeks of doing this and making sure that when we were together we had fun and I didn't bring our problems up...I saw the right.moment and went for it. I asked about our relationship...we talked during ar which time I made sure I didn't bring anything up about.me nor did I try to defend myself and I validated her feelings. That night I slept in bed with her and the next day her ring was back on.
Yesterday was my first big challenge... Her sister was at.my house in the am and she was talking crap about.me to my wife. They didn't know I was home. When I could I grabbed.my wallet and left. Wife called. Told her I would be home soon to talk...got home and expressed how I felt in a good way ..she freaked out and I remained calm....She ended up apologizing. Change stuck for that day!!
So here is my strategy... stay focused on improving myself... when opportunities to present changes as us or we as a subtle hint I will. If she changes some things...awesome....if not. I guess i have some things to figure out. I know what I am willing to deal with and what I am not....
I'm pretty positive about us. She is a good person and we love eachother. I'm not afraid to try stuff. Research...try again... she is very strong willed too. Just need to stay focused on us..make sure I make time for us abed see what happens!
You sound like you are doing really good, X6. Great changes and she is noticing... and believing... which of course she would, these changes in you are real and permanent.
Keep doing what you are doing and take every day as it comes. Enjoy the good times, "ignore" the bad. Ignoring the bad is not pretending it did not happen, rather reflect on it as you did, by GALing and working on PMA so that you continue to not react.
She started to say things that from my perspective were not true. I didnt voice this. She said things that were somewhat hurtful, I didnt say anything. I just told her after she was done speaking that I was not here to defend myself or clarify anything. That I was simply here to listen and understand her perspective and to try and figure out how I can best help put our relationship back together. She agreed to. I slept in bed last night for the first time in 6 weeks!
Good job!!! It sounds like maybe you could have validated more during the conversation instead of just remaining silent, but you did validate at the end and you didn't try to explain/ rationalize/ defend, so "way to go"!
Did she begin her "wild streak" before of after you messed up with the secretary?
BTW, I hope you learned a valuable lesson. And, if you have any.....what I call flirty humorous ways(where you think you're being kinda of funny with the OP but you come off as flirty, then you need to end it now, or it will end your M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She started her wild streak before this... I think she is trying to figure out what to do with herself now that the kids are all in school...She doesn't have to work. She is just getting started with a small business idea that is positive and I hope works out. Shes trying to figure out what is next for her and I understand this may mean letting her hair down to an extent.
Yeah... I learned a big lesson here.... I think both of us did.
Nope! I'm proud to say that we have been working on our marriage. Making it priority and we are dour g fantastic!! Our marriage has never been better. You can see it In us as a couple. Parents. Our kids are happier and were tighter as a family. Couldn't be happier.
Thanks to all of you for your support. You helped a complete stranger help put his relationship back together. Not only by direct support, but by reading the other stories and learning from their situations.
I'm still going to visit, more than I have. I feel that I at least owe the forum any support that I can give. Of course, I still have a lot to learn and feel this place has value to me that way.
If anyone has question s or comments fire away. Ill be back this weekend!
I forgot to share something that recently hit home with me. Long story short.. his once great wife fell into depression. He thought that they were over. He decided to give it an all out try. Showered her with love. She recovered and they are having the best time ever! This quote summed it all up corn me.
"It was after all of this that I realized. A woman is a direct reflection of her man"
Give her what you wish to have given to you... but give it without ever expecting it back.
