As you posted above, that your W indicated that you had not communicated with her, so it solidified her reason to leave, yet you suspect if you HAD communicated with her, she would have seen that as pressure and used that as the reason she was leaving...
Is certainly quite likely.
We will often refer to the WAS "testing" the LBS. In suggesting that, it sometimes isn't obvious that these tests... they aren't necessarily conscious or intended. What is happening is, the WAS behaviour is "more of the same" and they expect from the LBS "more of the same". This dynamic is what keeps things either stuck or progresses the sitch to worse.
When the LBS changes the dynamic by not responding with or as "more of the same", it confuses the WAS. Their normal (human normal, to change) is to be upset about this change. They lash out, say or do something, that brings "normal" back. Often, pushing the LBS buttons in order to get things back to "normal".
By being detached or disinterested to her either leaving or staying, will confuse her and cause her to react as she did. In your case, she said you did not communicate. And as you suspect, if you had brought it up before, a response of possibly "You can't control me and I will do what I want".
Let your W lead on any movement towards D. Just be sure that things may come up that you may need to protect yourself around. You can deal with those as they come up, rather than worrying about them right now. They may... or may not... happen.
Originally Posted By: Rockwallaby
I need to show I am detached and do this in a way that is not emotional. Any advice?
Your statement is contradictory. If you ARE detached, it will NOT be emotional. Detaching begins with not being emotionally attached to an outcome. Get yourself used to a possible reality that your M may actually end. Work through what ever emotions you have. This will help you become detached from that possible outcome which in turn will allow you to be less attached to anything she may say or do, towards that end, in the future.
Originally Posted By: Rockwallaby
She will see NC as being rude, and try to bait me that we need to maintain a relationship going forward for the children. I don't want to get I an argument or act unnaturally, I guess I need to learn to e pleasant without saying too much.
My W was master at encouraging me to engage her in comm, which then led to a result of me ultimately becoming defensive because I felt the comm turned around to point at me as the "bad guy".
It was not just a feeling I had, as it was my W using absolutes like "you never" or "you always" or taking score, even of things that I had since made better and stopped doing.
Your detachment will allow you to enter into comm with her and when leading questions such as "what's wrong" are brought up, you will be sincere when you say, "nothing for me. I'm doing great. How about you?"
Also, the "awkward silence" after such a sincere response from you, is OK. At that point, simply move along in a pleasant way and keep your PMA up, using GAL as much as possible.
Often, when a WAS suggests the need to have "civil" conversations, they are referring to R talks. So again, being detached and learning how to listen and validate, will go a long way to fulfilling that need, for her.
Again, a lot of what you are positing is specifically about your W's assertion that YOU are not good at communicating, which likely revolves back to her attempts to goad you into "more of the same", reactive words and behaviours.
That will continue to be her MO until you learn to detach, listen, and validate. Then, she can not use comm as the touch stone reason. She AND you are likely assuming that comm means that YOU open up and discuss your feelings so that she can invalidate them and get you in the defensive.
Changing that behaviour in you, is likely to make huge changes in your R with your W.
