My Story - Need Advice (Thread 2)

[ChrisN]

Thanks all,

Mach1 - my end goal would be for her to get this off her chest, I listen and we are ale to move forward (what that entails, who lows at this point) past the hurt. I hope it would be the beginning of the road to reconciliation" if there is a chance. I do feel she deserves this, cause, I think she was trying to talk in the marriage and I didn't see and hear it.

ACC - I feel fortunate that she wants to talk to me. Iwas the one pushing for it in the beginning, asking ow she could not have talked to me before leaving. She said she would when she gathered her thoughts. Im just worried that this an effort on her part to justify her decision and just keep moving on...in other words, "Look Chris, here is more evidence of how bad you were to me"...

Now, maybe that is what every WAS does? Did it help you and your wife move past the hurt from the past? I guess I am just so fragile mentally and emotionally right now I don't know if I can take the criticism and hurt. But, I also think, this is the type of conversation she thinks that I wold have argued and not listened to her when we were under the same roof. So, if I listen and validate, it may go a ways in helping her process the hurt, and showing her a new Chris?

[Spartan]

I'm just worried that this an effort on her part to justify her decision and just keep moving on...in other words, "Look Chris, here is more evidence of how bad you were to me"...

Maybe, maybe not, she may not even know the reason. Important part is she's willing to do it so it means she still cares. Even more important is this is a huge opportunity for you to really listen to her, validate her feelings, and see just how badly she's been hurting and the reasons why.

guess I am just so fragile mentally and emotionally right now I don't know if I can take the criticism and hurt. But, I also think, this is the type of conversation she thinks that I wold have argued and not listened to her when we were under the same roof. So, if I listen and validate, it may go a ways in helping her process the hurt, and showing her a new Chris?

No doubt, some of the stuff is going to be tough to hear and you will likely want to defend yourself. Just man up, "drink a cup of STFU", listen and try to understand every word she says regarding her feelings. You can do this!

[Accuray]

Chris when I did it with my W it was not a miracle turnaround, those expectations will hurt you, this is going to take months, not weeks. No single event is going to unlock the door. In my case, W had a wall up regarding some things she didn't like about me. She just assumed I wouldn't want to hear it and wouldn't change it so she was just going to hold it in and write me off.

Prior to that I had been throwing darts with my 180's because I had precious little feedback about what mattered and what was just noise. That meeting gave me more to go on and afforded me more focus. In the end they were silly things that took virtually no effort to change, I just never knew she was bothered because she never spoke up about it.

Had we not had the meeting the wall would have stayed up much longer if not forever. Yes it was frustrating and difficult to hear, but made a big difference that I just listened.

Accuray

[uRworthy]

C, knowledge is power.

You are being given an enormous opportunity here.

Some of what she says will be true, some not. But all very real to her. She feels what she feels.

Will some of it be hard to hear? No doubt. But, it can be a real step in moving forward for her.

And a real step in moving forward for you.

Sometimes we have to hear tough stuff in this life.

The real test is what we do with it.

Let her talk, man. Take it all in.

Later, sort it all out.

You know you got this.

[ChrisN]

Thanks all,

Had session with my therapist this morning. She said she felt that it was nit a good idea at this point to have W sit down and tell me her reasons for leaving. She stated that my W has told me several reasons already fr her leaving - unhappy, mean things said in arguments, not as helpful after her sickness around the house, felt like I didn't like her a lot of times. My therapist worries that it may be more of here's examples of you failing, and it won't be productive, just hurtful for me. She worries that my W has not stated any goal for her in having the conversation....

I'm very torn now. I'm trying to look at this as a positive. I asked her for this fr. Day 1, and now she is saying she is ready... And I know it could be a very cathartic thing for her, and be an eye opener if I can be quiet, not argue and validate her feelings. She may see more of a different person. I just fear, truly fear that she doesn't care and this is another checkbox on her list...

I feel lost and confused.

[cbtdad]

ChrisN,
You are going to have to make the decision in the end. We can't make it for you and neither can your therapist. Im not your therapist so I dont know what has been said from your side, but I wouldn't be surprised if she said it wasnt a good idea because she feels that you can not handle it right now. If that is the case then that is for you to decide. I personally think that if you can handle it, then it is the best thing possible to let her get it out

[cat04]

Chris,

The thing with therapists...is they are human. While they have education in the field of psychology, there are no cookie cutter answers when it comes to feelings, human behaviors, actions and reactions. Even the best communication tools don't work for everyone. Human behavior, is definately not an exact science.

Yes the things you hear will be hurtful. Just by the sheer nature if the conversation and situation. There is no way around it. Even if she was saying im going to tell you these things so we can reconcile if you change them, they are gonna hurt. However, she is entitled to her feelings and thoughts, even if they are different from yours.

You can't rest your self confidence on how anyone feels about you. By definition of the word it isn't possible. Self-anything, comes from within. We can allow our self image to be eroded by what others say or think about us, we can make changes to try to change their opinions, however by doing those things, we can further damage ourselves.

Your job, besides listening to her feelings, is to evaluate what she says and determine what it means to you. If it is something you can change and want to to build how you see yourself, not how she sees you, then it is worth looking at. If it is something you can't or don't want to change, the you have to let it go. Like water off a ducks back. If you don't, if you choose to internalize it, dwell on it and do nothing about it, then you are taking someone else's feelings and making them your own, thus hurting yourself. Self being the key here.

I hope I am explaining this in a way that makes sense to you or someone out there lol

[Spartan]

Chris,

I've been told I think too much lately (this is something I've never been accused of before) so I'm going to break it down to yes/no questions that only you can answer. No waffling, it's either yes or no... please circle one

Do you think hearing the things she has to say might help you learn something about yourself you didn't realize?
Y / N

Do you want to R with W?
Y / N

Do you think her telling you the reasons she was hurt and upset could help you R (no need to guess any longer, knowledge is power type of thing)?
Y / N

Do you think making her feel like you really hear her and are trying to understand how she feels will make her feel more comfortable with you?
Y / N

Can you keep your mouth shut for 1-2 hours and not defend yourself?
Y / N

[Accuray]

I hope it doesn't last 2 hours, that would be a lot of gripes!

If you think back to reading DB/DR, Michelle points out that therapists are trying to help you feel better, not restore your marriage. Many of them believe that cutting your losses and moving on quickly is the best way to heal, so they will advise you to do so.

Per Cat, if you went to 10 therapists with the same scenario you may get 10 different recommendations, but no one can afford a sample size that large.

I don't know what your therapy situation looks like, but for "marriage saving" I found the DB telephone coaches on this site much more helpful than therapists. They specialize on troubled marriages and its all they do all day long. Your average therapist is more of a generalist. Try the DB coach if you haven't already, some of the best money I ever spent. You will feel better after talking to them.

[ChrisN]

Spartan,

The answers to all the questions are Yes. The toughest one would be keeping my mouth hut, but, if it might help R with W, then I'll do it!