thanks for "sane" response to my relative insanity this morning..
thanks for "holding my hand" here also. this coming & going stresses me out (ya think???) . counting down time to go-
Quote:
I am in L w/a memory. Just watched Practical Magic, maybe I should make a brew and dance under the moon light while purring the brew over all of his personals.
you make me smile now that you say do a brew - maybe tonite i'll make a voodoo doll of him - just for fun and to pander to the wacky side of my sense of humour- and begin sticking it with pins. I DO NOT BELIEVE - by the way. but it could be a fun de-fuser of bad bad feelings roaming around inside my head. (i'd like to put war paint onmy face too)
i am in love with the memory too. how sad THAT sounds. if he's a "terminal case" - why doesn't he just die already for cripes sake?
- it's all true - all your observations.. i don't like it tho. yeah - i know, none of us do. who said we get to?
Quote:
Short, but to the point he has said, I'm not a R guy the way you need,
Maybe - but the jerk knew this all about me when he "picked" me allll those years ago. i never lied at all about WHO I WAS & what i needed to be happy. no kiddin. i never ever pretended to be anything other than a "true love forever" kinda guy. now, if he'd been honest about himself and just said - "hey baby, i'm a lying cheatin kinda guy - hang on to your hat". maybe i wouldn't be so mad at him rite now.
Quote:
Your not a couple! I am all or nothing as well, but we can't have either right now, so we just have to act as if I guess.
i hate the feeling powerless crap- i never realized what a control guy i am. i absolutely detest feeling this whole mess is out of my control. i see it is NOW. I sure used to resist that with all my might - so sure there must be SOMETHING a person can DO. NADA - wouldn't even have the energy to do it or even try any more. hello - foreign legion? are you taking recruits???
Crap - time ticking away. took that pill- awaiting serenity...
tick - tock - tick - tock - any last requests....too bad i don't smoke huh? you know- he was a lovely man when he smoked- calm, funny, on & on. he grounded me - ha! part of me thinks it's that simple- on that drug he was wonderful. off it- he's an edgy - jacka$$.
i was wondering myself about the pretending (but isn't that acting as if is???) i don't feel like it anymore either.
im so tired of feeling like a fraud. Inside I feel like i did all those years ago "hey- here i am - like it or leave it".
that's what i feel again. no pretending. no bs. too bad i was alot younger & cuter back then. better bargaining position i'd say.
like i don't know this guy- if we were beginning to get to know each other - at a party - at work - i sure wouldn't be trying to sell him a bill of goods. been called a "b!tch" a few times by icky bar-pickup-guys who want the "girlie whirlie show" from me and when i niecly say sorry, not interested really - they go bonkers. i'm never rude-just not fake.
Quote:
Hard, HELL ya, but maybe if I can start it, I will get it, like smiling when your sad and now your not sad anymore. I already do look at him like, eeww who are you, what is wrong w/me your not coming back.
\
i know- isn't it wierd the 1st time you realize you're looking thru new, objective eyes and thinking about what you're 'REALLY seeing? and it's not at all what you used to see. scary kind of. so then - begs the question if the people we are now - would ever find something to like or love in the person they are (?) now. ??
oh yeah - i guess the whole point of this is that some day they (hopefully) crawl out of their respective tunnels are are somewhat what they used to be before they plunged off the deep end. i forget. forget they may still be "in there" somewhere.
guess i'd better go call airport check time. xxo (()) thanks again man- it's a wierd morning
