Taking a step back-a fresh start

[cbtdad]

Those are very good questions Mach!
I know I I dont work as hard as I should for the past couple of years. I think it has something to do with the fact that W and I had no mortage, car notes, debt of any sort thanks to her family. I believe when her grandmother bought a house for us and that debt was paid off and things were basically taken care of it made me feel like less of a man. And it slowly went from there. I think that was the starting point back towards the end of 2009 if I had to pinpoint it.
I look around me and see poeple doing unbelievable things and I know I have the potential to be great, but something is holding me back. Thats what i dont understand. You would think that after my world has been turned upside down and no longer have that "security" that I would be busting my a$$. I lose respect for myself when I think about it

[uRworthy]

The only thing holding you back, sweetie, is you.

A wise man once wrote that to me.

[Rick1963]

Don't be too hard on yourself right now CB. Hard to accomplish things when your head is spinning. But if being taken care of was a complaint from W you will have to look at it. If u asked Mach he will tell u that u and I have a lot in common. He knows me. So keep digging buddy

[cbtdad]

" If u asked Mach he will tell u that u and I have a lot in common. He knows me. So keep digging buddy"

So more in common than the I hate horses club! Hahaha

Thanks Rick! I just keep trying to get better all the time. I have my backslides like everyone else, but I'm just trying to get better

[Papa4Life]

Hi cbtdad, yeah, I know what it's like to feel down on yourself about not being more of a provider. W and I agreed early on that she would focus more on her career and I would do more at home and with the kids. Now, I'm a fairly successful freelance translator, but it definitely requires consistency and that you be available when work comes in. So the issue of being primary caregiver often meant I had to be away from work at the drop of a hat to do kid-related activities. So when financial issues crept up, I felt like my hands were tied in a way because making sacrifices with my time just came with the territory. It left me working nights and weekends just to keep up, but it also sometimes meant that we still had trouble making ends meet. It's a vicious circle. As a man you've just got to learn that you can't do everything.

[cbtdad]

I've definitely come to realize that this all on me. I control what I am capable of and what I want in life. It's time to put it all together.
I am really starting to have doubts about wanting to be with W anymore.
Saw her yesterday during sons art show and she is just not a happy person and doesn't seem like she wants to do anything to change herself.
She said she didn't even want to be there last night because she was so tired and stressed about this horse show. I wanted to give her a big dose of reality and tell her how selfish she is being and ridiculous it is to be so stressed about something he supposedly has a such a passion for. I bit my tongue instead and just said sorry to hear that.
A girl that I work with lost one of her infant twin daughters last night. It really helps me put into perspective what is important.
W is back at horse show again today and will be home tonight, then leaves tomorrow morning and won't be back for 10 days. I have a lot to think about between now and then.

[makingmagic]

cbt... I am still following along. Not much to offer, but ((HUGS)).

PMA! Stop thinking the worst for 5/7! But, remember, NO expectations.

Patience patience patience.

wfm

[Spartan]

I've definitely come to realize that this all on me. I control what I am capable of and what I want in life. It's time to put it all together.

I agree.

Question, what do you want in life?

She said she didn't even want to be there last night because she was so tired and stressed about this horse show. I wanted to give her a big dose of reality and tell her how selfish she is being and ridiculous it is to be so stressed about something he supposedly has a such a passion for. I bit my tongue instead and just said sorry to hear that.

I'm glad you didn't give her a dose of anything because it sounds like it's your reality and not hers. Her reality is something is stressing her out and you telling her she's wrong to feel that way would not have gone well. Could have been a good time to validate her a little and ask what it is that's stressing her out?

And even if she didn't want to be there she was there, tired and stressed out, she was still there. I know many WAS that completely miss events or show up extremely late when they've told the kids they'd be there... Something to think about.

I remember when I was younger I loved paying baseball, it was my absolute passion. Before the big games/ tournaments I would be really stressed out and not nice to be around. I eventually figured it out (I put extreme pressure on myself to perform for team) and worked through it and things got better for me and people around me. Just because she has a passion for something doesn't mean she can't stress over it.

[cbtdad]

Thanks for the feedback Spartan.
I want to be the best person I can be. I want to give my son something I didn't have growing up. A stable childhood. I want to be the spiritual leader for my family and want to have a great family life. I want to have financial stability and be able to do things within reason without having to worry about money.

I completely agree with you now that I think about it about her at least being there. And I should have tried to validate her on why she is so stressed about it. I'm going to try and ask her that when she picks up son today.
I too was very much like you when it came to putting pressure on myself before a game. She is extremely competitive so I understand that. This show also adds I lot more stress for a few reasons. This is basically her home show. She has a brand new 70k horse that will be competing for the first time so a lot of eyes will be on her and she knows that. Add to that that OM will be there and it's a perfect storm I believe. Hmmm..... Maybe I don't need to ask her why she is so stressed. Seems like I already know.
The thing that bothers me though spartan is these things aren't like one game.
This stress stars 2 weeks before the show, then during the show its unbearable then for a week after she is so mentally exhausted all she does is sleep.
That's where I have a problem. It's like 3 or 4 months a year she puts all this before everything else. I just don't know if I can deal with that

[Spartan]

Sounds like you know where your W's stress is coming from. I do have a few other things on that topic but first want to ask you to elaborate a little.

I want to be the best person I can be. I want to give my son something I didn't have growing up. A stable childhood. I want to be the spiritual leader for my family and want to have a great family life.

What does it mean to you to be spiritual leader for your family?

I read the Bible a lot and now consider myself a strong Christian man and I know my answer to this question. Sadly I now see I didn't live up to that for much of my M. Things that come to mind quickly are: serve (W), build up (W), sacrifice for (W), pray for (W), honor (W), etc...


Are you doing the things you should be to be a spiritual leader in your house?