After phone coaching session #2

[reb9597]

Thanks gal, I get it. I sound better personally, not situation. I don't know, I feel more resolute. Don't know if that's better or not, but I can function this way.

I felt lonely for H this morning. I guess that's good in a way because I was able to recognize I haven't felt lonely in awhile. Feeling pressure and stress about big decisions and I wish I didn't have to do all this alone.

D18 has to make final decision for college by May 1. We've (she & I) made choice 90%, just waiting for one last school's numbers. But it occurred to me that we've talked in general about college w/ H, but not specifics about here's the decision!

I text D18: Have you had any conv with dad about your college? Deadline is quickly approaching and I don't know if his opinion has been heard.

D18: No lol. His opinion is non existent.

Ouch! This is another nothing-I-can-do-about it scenario and I won't get in the middle of their relationship. And if he wants to have an opinion, he'll have to make it known. By May 1. It's just another sad reality check where life choices are being made and he's not around to be part of it. Maybe it's me who puts too much weight on these decisions. That's pretty likely too.

GAL has been a little too busy lately. Feeling worn out and unbalanced in being there for kids. Maybe it's best H isn't around for these decision, because I normally would have let the worry monster take over & been miserable to be around. I'm coping much better on my own. Venting here, of course.

[azguy]

Just checking in to say hang in there. Are you going for another MC appointment sometime soon? If he is agreeing to go to another one, no matter what he said the last one, it's another opportunity to improve things. You're really doing great.

I've run into those life situations, like your D college choice, where I told myself "It should have been this way." Mostly while I was married. I've felt more recently that this was damaging. The present what is what it is. You can cherish what is good about it, (your D were perhaps closer because you made the decision together), you can use it to motivate how you want to shape the future (you may want to work to bring your H into future decisions). Regrets or criticism are just a byproduct of your brain forgetting the present is now here and can't be changed.

You've done the best you can do with the tools you've had (by the way, can you say the same about your H? I know your D is disappointed, but she doesn't know the full story). I find starting from this point is a good way to approach the future (what you want to change, what you want to cherish). Hope these sort of random thoughts help.

[labug]

reb, is he footing any of the bill for her schooling?

[labug]

just read your post to azguy.

D@mn, reb, you are on it today! You have really made some big changes in how you think.

=@@=

[reb9597]

Thanks labug! You made my day.

Yes, H is paying for college. I talked to d18 about subject last night and suggested she clue H is a little more. She said that H doesn't care where she chooses & showed me text where she told him she registered for dorm placement (I paid deposit). He replied YAY.

The school she chose and admittedly has the best program for what she wants to do, is the most expensive. I'd like for her to consider the state schools she was accepted at but she's pretty determined and I'm the only parental opinion weighing in.

I'm letting it go I guess. H thinks if there is anything that's needed from him, I'd let him know. Or d18 would let him know. I can't make him show interest beyond that. But it mirrors our old dynamic that I don't want and I don't know how to break the cycle! I handle everything and all the worrying and big decisions, he works like a madman to pay for it. It was like in every aspect of our life. I planned all the vacations, all decisions with dds, everything. All he had to do was work. And he loves his work, so I deeply resented it. I tried to draw him out a few weeks ago about college decisions when we were doing taxes, but that translated to him feeling overburdened about the expense and feeling like he has to work too much again. I thought there was a breakthrough when he said he was going to cut back on his schedule, but that didn't last. I don't know how to navigate this. And in reality, there's nothing for me to navigate in my current situation. I don't have a H, I have a paycheck.

But then it gets around to what azguy said, has H done the best with what he's emotionally able to contribute? Yes, truly he doesn't know it could be any other way. And what's worse, we've been together for so long, I can see the evolution in our M to see how he became this way. I used to be able to convince (bully) him into another perspective but not anymore!

Thank you, what you wrote really helped me pull back from the self righteous ledge. I get that way in the mornings for some reason... afternoons are better. Anyone else have a certain time of day that is harder to get through?

We have another appt with MC next week and another scheduled for two weeks after that. It just worked out that way, where MC was gone this week & H is going on trip with his mom the following week. So after the next two appts I'm hoping we can get on a weekly schedule.

[labug]

Could you talk to D about it? Do you think H should at least be given an opportunity to be involved? He may not act interested but is this his normal level of interaction? We're all different and it's certainly taken me a long time to see that my H was doing loving things they just weren't in my love language.

We don't always like what our loved ones do but we still love them. I know your D has been hurt by H's actions but she still loves him.

Is D learning to be like you? Please don't take that as a cut, just something to think about.

This could be a growth step for all of you.

[labug]

I'll also say that I left my H out of things sometimes because I thought he didn't care or I knew his feelings.

Turns out I was wrong.

[reb9597]

Is D learning to be like you? Please don't take that as a cut, just something to think about.

ROFL! I've considered this many times recently and it's scary! The twilight music has been going off in my head for the last few months with this realization. It's a terrifying awakening when you see your kids have many of the same skills and tendencies you had (positive, but also negative), and hoping they'll use their powers for good and not evil.

I actually talked to my IC about this because poor kids were raised by the stressed out bad version of me with no self awareness. I can only do my best to model a better life and I talk to them about it all the time. I tell them they have the advantage to learn this in their teens! Not in their 40s!

Thanks for the reminder of H's LL, which is equal physical touch & acts of service. He's worked so hard for us out of love. And he loves his kids dearly and if d18 says she wants to go to most expensive school, H buckles down and will pay for it. Just lilke when I said I wanted to do this or that, he'd provide. We've been caught in this cycle for so long though and I don't know how to get out of it. Old me ranted or sulked and tried to make him feel bad about being gone so much. New me tries to understand his LL motivation & tries to teach kids to understand too. Then add in all the DB rules about no pursuing and no pressure, really makes me feel like I don't know where to step sometimes.

But d18's attitude that he doesn't have (or deserve) an opinion is totally from old me. I'll take one more stab at it with her to try to soften her thinking. It's still so hard to accept that H's monetary contribution is equal in effort or intent to the day in day out parenting that I do! I still struggle in this regard. And it's mind blowing to comprehend that he could be thinking the same about me. All I have to do is be there for kids, while he's out providing for the family. Ouch! Hurts either way. Better to understand than to react to the bad feelings though.

[azguy]

So, your H wants to work on better parenting interactions. So do you. This seems like the perfect opportunity to practice that. Could you tell him some form of what you just told us, both your fears of problems and hopes of how it could be? I'll cherry pick from your sentences to get a rough draft:

"The school she chose, is the most expensive. I'd like for her to consider the state schools she was accepted at but she's pretty determined. [I'm worried because you're the one] paying for college, and D says you don't care where she chooses. I don't want you feeling overburdened about the expense and feeling like you have to work too much again." Maybe some more of what you are hoping to learn in a conversation with him.

Maybe this doesn't make sense for you, but just a thought.

Oh, and the self-righteous/mopey me comes out on Sunday. I don't know why. I welcome him every week and try not to let him have too much control

[reb9597]

azguy, I reread your comments from earlier about living in the now and I appreciate it very much. Thanks again. Things look better in the afternoons. And I even had the 'now app' on my phone that sent reminders, I need to start that up again.

I like your cue card and think it makes total sense. My hesitation is that that was the old me, worrying about decisions and stressing 24/7. Now I recognize it and can express here & internally, but the lid is pretty tight in my outside life. It's a 180 for me. Assuming H thinks a decision has already been made, and it mostly has, based on D's preference and the program she got into (just wish we were independently wealthy) - it'd be a bit of the worrying me to bring it up to him & say 'are you sure? are you sure?'.

I'll try to guide d18 to bring it up to verify with H once more before deadline, but after that I feel H's been fairly warned and it's a huge leap of faith and growth for me to let it go. Either way, she's going to school where she wants and it'll cost H an arm & a leg & he's agreed to it. If I bring all this up to him & harass him on the details it'll just stress him out even more. That's part of the dumping I used to do on him, I referred to it here ages ago. I'm stressed, I'd dump it on him & get it all out - I feel better & I thought it didn't effect him. But I guess I was WRONG! I'm internalizing my stress which is stressful but better than wearing him down like I used to.

Yeah thanks for helping me work this out. I think it's better this way. Opposite of my default response. Right?