post-D with WAW

[T1000]

Maybe she hung around more today because that hasn't been much interaction lately. An advantage of the traveling?

[Crimson]

That's probably because you're IN a holding pattern. Fortunately enough, that holding pattern is in a positive place - no? Waaay better that it probably used to be. Don't take that for granted. Small, infrequent steps forward are still steps forward.

Crimson

[AnotherStander]

XW dropped S off this morning. She hung around for a bit to chat and catch up on arrangements. We are settling into more friendly interactions than several months ago. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern.

Who's keeping you there?

Your XW probably feels a lot of freedom now that the D is done and over with. That may be why she's lingering and being more friendly. Remember the squirrel analogy though, you're holding the nut and waiting for her to come to it, if you make any move towards her at all she's going to run back up the tree. So keep giving her time and space and let her set the pace.

[reb9597]

I feel for you and everything you've gone through. You're walking the tightrope here because it seems that any movement in either way will make something happen. I've lived that for awhile too.

I think the most clear thing, though, is that it may make things happen that are in opposition to your goals. Stay the course for a awhile longer and let your W believe in your changes.

When is your son's bday? That'll be a lot of fun to plan. And it'll be special for your son too. Mostly, it'll impress the socks off your W and may make her a little jealous about the attention.

My H recently gave our d18 special attention for her bday and it really made me see the tender man that I missed and actually made me jealous of d18 for this attention. Which would be great IF he wanted to work on M... but anyways, it could really help your situation.

[azguy]

AS, of course it's me that's keeping me in the holding pattern. It's been a year since she moved out, and six months since the divorce. I've had friends and family ask me if I was going to begin dating and even try to set me up. I feel down sometimes, but usually I just feel sort of embarrassed. I still think we gave up too soon, and I can't tell whether she would ever be willing to reconsider or not. The fact that she's unwilling to even talk to me about anything related to our R suggests to me that she has not moved on, but I quickly get into mind reading mode once I start in this direction . . . I guess I'm in a holding pattern because I'm still choosing to wait.

Reb, our S's birthday is next month. We settled on a theme (Minecraft) and I'm having fun planning it. I invited my XW to help out with it, but she told me she would have something with him separately. I considered pushing for a joint celebration, but worry she would just see that as using this event to control her actions. I made a point of saying I hadn't realized how much work these things took. She seemed to appreciate that.

[azguy]

Had to change the date of my S' birthday party, since I realized I had scheduled it on Mother's day(!) Emailed XW to let her know. Sent her our homemade invitation S and I worked on. She seemed to like it. Said she was okay not having him on Mother's day anyway. We often have interactions like this. I try to make a thoughtful gesture, and she rejects it. I'm left wondering if she rejected it because she really didn't want that arrangement, or if she views it as some form of pursuing.

[labug]

How about, she's OK with not having him on Mother's Day.

Why must it mean anymore than that?

[reb9597]

^^

I agree. Rejection may be a little harsh? Maybe she truly doesn't care and will have her special day with S on a scheduled weekend. That was very considerate of you to change the party and include her with the invite.

It's easy to take any non-positive response as rejection. I do it all the time. Indifference isn't the warm & fuzzy we want, but it's not rejection. Perhaps it's an effort on her part to get along and not make waves?

I think our spouses are really afraid to consider a future back in family. So it's a lot easier for them to put up the 'I don't care' mask. It'll take a long time of modeling changes for them to peak out behind the mask. Keep at it!

[AnotherStander]

I guess I'm in a holding pattern because I'm still choosing to wait.

You can choose to give your XW more time and space, and that might mean that your "dating life" is in a holding pattern, but it doesn't mean that YOU are in a holding pattern. That's what I was trying to get at. Stay active in your GAL efforts. Keep meeting new people and engaging in new activities. Become the best "you" that you can be. Keep out of the dating scene if that's your choice (you'll know when you're ready for that), but be an active participant in life in all other ways

[azguy]

Thanks labug and reb. You're right that being ok with the current arrangements is not rejecting my offer. I tend to forget that one of the issues I had in the R was insecurity. I still carry that around and allow it too much control of my actions.

AS, I see what you mean about separating "dating life" from the rest of enjoying life. It's a bit sporadic, but I'm working on it. Let's see, I've been working on house projects lately: painting and redoing the backyard. Joined a gym some weeks ago, and met a couple new people. Work is a circus right now so not much else.