just me - here spinning . I read dawn's posts a minute ago - snodderly & miz telling her to focus on herself - try and regain composure. it's true. It amazes me how parallel alot of us seem to be. All of us with our "stages" in this mess of a mlc db process. Me approaching 2 yrs in july, but yrs before that things just "not quite rite". i guess i indulged in alot of denial - (it felt like total trust - could have just been denial & good spin on bad behavior) who knows now? what does it matter tho - huh?
I'm talkng myself out of dreading seeing him- imagining how bad i'll feel - it's insane isn't it?
I just erased my comments about his jokey way of communicating. it used to be funnny - all his picking and blaming me for exotic stuff. (his hair loss, rainy day, etc.) I don't find him funny so much- knowing he actually does blame me for everything wrong in life. I'm going to try to put a good face on and act like it's funny - as i used to - at least be a better sport than i feel like.
will endeavor to dig deep & tap into some inner "charm" and not be "grudging" in my communications.
snodderly & miz were commenting- and someone also in dawn's posts addressing the sitch of her h being "tired" when he talks to her. the pain he feels from guilt making him comatose. i kind of know about that from my mom. i feel badly for her- it can't be nice to have your memory going and constantly feel aware your brain isn't right. and then find reasons (usually goofy) (like people moving your stuff around) to convince yourself you're not nuts. i feel guilty constantly that i can't "do better" and be all lovey dovey. she's said such rotten stuff in the past - it's altered my heart - i must still care because i go & listen and "do it" , but my heart is not giving it willingly and freely. it's a bad bad feeling. it makes me feel badly about myself- i wouldn't mind slipping into a coma sometimes...
i do not know what my h feels. i do not want to be THAT TO him - what my mother is to me. i suspect it. i hate the thought- i'm not blind. it's draining and we do it to ourselves. our guilt over NOT FEELING WHAT WE THINK WE SHOULD. i'm very darn tired of being picked apart and criticized. unlike my mother- i've never been MEAN & NAGGIE or critical. if anything- i'd guess too much the other way. MAYBE HAPPY - dopey doormat. what the heck is too much to do for someone you love and care about? i'm askin ya. (tho my mom & h both have said "you care too much". i'm not drippy & hangie - so wtf??? h also says he likes that i'm "not a clingy woman".
perhaps i'm no challenge. should love HAVE to be a challenge tho. should i have made him "work at it" and be all bitchie and demanding? who the heck can make that call. water under some long gone bridge
I DO GET IT THAT IT'S ABOUT HIM - not me. it doesn't stop every one of us - now or then- i'd think, from re-examining our part in it all. i don't necessarily think i was so bad or full of fault- OTHER THAN being stupidly blind to the possibility of what was going on. i trusted him toooo completely. i believe the lies toooo willingly. that is quite a giant flaw i think. (deluding myself when i shold have been more realistic and suspicious)
anyway- that all is past and is what it is. like the book says- "we all know how we got here- now what are we going to do about it?" i think it's a good outlook- i know it's alot more productive than this looking back junk.
i guess i should be glad he's trying to be pleasant or jokey (his manner of contact). this morning i'm mired in remembering how he kind of ruined our last two trips (to europe )several years back - by being silent and uncommunicative & on his computer in evening- now, knowing what it all was about. what a dope. and you know, it was the time we'd go away together and re-group. we needed those vacations. it feels (this minute) like there will never be a way to go back and forget it all and forgive it all.
it's nothing to him- he was having fun & intrigue. how the heck do you get that in perspective. that your own abject misery (dramatic - but true) over (finally) finding out what the heck is going on in your very life with your very h - it being turned into an episode of jerry springer- by him- for fun - for amusement - entertainment- excitement.
sorry- i've got it bad this morning. wonder what i'll feel when i see him & act normally (hopefully).
just needed to "get it out" of my head. am tired from totally keeping busy every minute of every day. someday when this is all over - one way or the other- maybe i'll be able to sleep & cry for a week or two and just turn normal again.
okay- here'e me hoping i can "do this" for awhile longer and stop being such a whiney jerk- i know it's all probably normal junk to feel & this db process probably wears everyone down to a nub before it's done-
GONNA GO MAKE THAT LIST OF GOOD THINGS HAVE IN LIFE- and there are alot- and work myself back into normal frame of mind- wish me luck- anyone that reads this (or can stand to wade thru my posts) - send up a good vib into the universe - i'll get my antennae up.
(my stinking long posts - it's because after being a legal secretary for 25 years i can type faster than i can think- it spills out- so sorry- but that's my "excuse" du jour for "it all".
wishing my own self luck in behaving like anormal & pleasant person. we can do this
lite on????? big girl panties on - go set hair - find some makeup - take a pill - - - pull some weeds - fortify self for "act" act as if................
