Confused about what I want

[BRNR]

Hi Snodderly (and everyone for that matter) -

Yesterday's event simmered down by the end of the night. I have to admit I panicked a little after your comments on my thread, thinking the worst of all worst. But, I got over it pretty quickly and acted like it never had happened.

I took the boys to the doctors yesterday for annual physicals and afterwards just sent H an email advising of the visit and the boys health status. He seemed okay and responded to the email rather quickly with a lot of questions. In a good way I was glad, because it showed some care and concern for the boys at least. I didn't respond to the email/questions until this morning as I had other things to take care (truly) and was exhausted with the long day I had and H's antics with the phone calls. By the way the boys are good and the doctor even commented how the boys come from "good stock". Funny thing was despite my boys being very healthy kids, and not needing to go to the doctors often, the doctor noticed that H wasn't there and asked where he was and how he was doing and all. Awkward moment, but I just replied he was doing well.

So, H called very late last night to talk to the boys, but unfortunately, the boys were already in bed. I picked up the phone, and briefly told him they were, but that I would go see if they were still awake. He seemed okay and not angry and said it was fine and not to wake them. I asked if he was sure and he said it was no problem, just tell them that I called in the morning, (Which I did).

So this morning rolled around and H came to pick up the boys as usual. NO spew, NO demands for the key or code. Nothing. I even told him to have a nice day today, which he half smiled and said you too.

Wheww! I wasn't prepared for a showdown this morning, and it was a good thing that he didn't start one.

So final thoughts for the day.

I can do this! I can be the best me to hopefully one day have the life I was meant to have with or without H. I am capable of being a strong, independent woman. I am strong enough to be a single mother, and capable of giving my children the love and care they need. I believe deep down that MY husband is still in there, and I do get a lot of glimpses of him at times. I can and will show some compassion to my H, and hope that he will overcome his pain.

I don't know what else to say. It seems that with every new day, I wake up with these new emotional epiphanies, and I am actually thankful for them. I am thankful for a lot these days.

Hope everyone does see these things in their own sitches. WE all will be okay, if not better than okay, with or without our spouses. I try to remind myself of that often.