i'm there with ya and reading this stuff and trying to apply to me as well. it is some wierd & dangerous place. dawn- I still think (maybe) we can do it- but i hear you adn feelmyself losing the will to carry on with this.
i know we (?) made a commitment to db- i'm still trying to honor it- i feel myself thinking why bother. i get it too- it's too damn long to be lonely. i feel like you with yourkids & their mates. my girlfriends that i spend time with all have husbands- and tho they bicke5r, etc.- THEY STILL HAVE THEM> I FIND myself asking how come i'm the jerk with nobody to go home to?
i hate it too - i resent it too - i want to just throw in the towel too- it is hard- (me-whine whine) h makes fun of me when i say something is hard. he's such a jerk- like he EVER does (or did) anything hard. he's the guy who hasn't sp9oken t his mother for 6 or8 years- what??? too hard. get old- cheat & lie - easy fix. i could list his "escapes". (from things that are too "hard".) why bother-
i'm still guessing we can do it-
i find myself this morning thinking ofyou and dreading him coming this afternoon. all i can think of is "what will he pick on". and that is all. i think back (bad form- i know) about flipping computer screen- secret phone calls/texts- leaving room if i sit down on couch (in the past - before i knew & he got "nicer") - allllllll the pain and torment and time and lost time and so on- and it does suck me down that road. really mired lately in the "why bother" whirlpool.
WHATTYA THINK? can we buck up- listen to these guys - and do it a bit longer?
i know hwat you feel- i find myself wondering how this guy can ever change ENOUGH and be anythng like the fun guy he was & i loved. i find myself thinking maybe it's tooo much bad stuff for tooooo darn long and it's unfixable. or unbearable anymore.
i meant to be supportive- instead i seem to be a pity-fest here.
don't mean to be- i will if you will.....
i'm going to take a little mini tranquilizer- try like heck to put on my pleasant face - dig deeper than ever before (no kidding) and try and act as if.
my as if is fading - but here goes nothin.
i hope you're okay and your day is okay.
your h does talk at least - you got that going for you. hopefully it means he wants you to know about him- understand him a bit. that's got to be something. there may be tons of junk you don't want to hear - but it's contact.
my h and being all silent or jokie or (supposedly joking ) blaming me for 3everything from bad weather to no hair - is old old old- it's all i get - jokie crappola and it's not so funny to me anymore. i don't feel pleased or flattered when he jokes (i know- i need to get a grip) i want to say shut up you jerk- you've been such a $hit for so damn long i just hate your stupid banter and your stupid face and my stupid life . thanks a lot for that. nice huh?
i'm gonna still try i guess - for want of a better plan.
hang on- i think they're rite- that it's maybe still doable - well, ride-out-able for awhile longer yet.
xxo ((( ))) BRIGHTER NOTE- I WAS thinking of you like mad when my neice and her 1` yr old baby were here other day. she'ss sooooooo cute you could plotz. the fun - the love - the baby hugs & how they touch your fce when you hold them. just such purity and pleasure- i'm soooo jealous you'll have a baby around. if it were me- i'd be thinking- okay- that is where i'll get my love fix for the rest of my days (i'm alot older than you) - it's something huge. i need a baby around so i've got somwwhere to channerl all this affection and fun and wanting toplay and share pleasure with someone.
you're gonna have it- yay and yay. it's something big. at least????? see ya later. me spinning here- kind of dreading - how the hell to dig deep enough to act pleasant and pleased and alllll the things i'm supposed to "put on an act about"??? i'm such not an actor kinda gal
