"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
this morning W was watching a youtube video that seemed like it was probably funny. I asked her what it was and she didn't answer. Thinking that maybe she didn't hear me I asked again but still no answer. That really made me mad, she can't even take 1 second to tell me what she is watching. Then later she said when you move out you can take anything you want with you because I'm gonna do some redecorating. I asked what if I want to stay here? Then she said I though we decided that you were moving out. I told her that we barely even talked about it. It seems like she expects me to just roll over for her and do whatever she wants. To be honest I do want to move out, but I don't want it to seem like I'm doing it because she wants me to. Also I'm not sure where she expects to get the money to redecorate the apartment because we certainly don't have that kind of money laying around.
Sandi2, your advise always seems to make perfect sense. Thanks for your input.
Me:22 W:20 T: 1.5 years M: 1 year I find out about EA: late March 2013 W says she wants D: 4/8/13 I find out about PA: 4/19/13 I move out: 5/9/13 I file: 5/24/13
Another couple things I've noticed. First, I slept A LOT better to two nights she was absent. Second, she has stopped wanting to cuddle, hold hands, kiss, and saying ily. I halted such activity shortly after I found out what was going on, she has just recently stopped.
Me:22 W:20 T: 1.5 years M: 1 year I find out about EA: late March 2013 W says she wants D: 4/8/13 I find out about PA: 4/19/13 I move out: 5/9/13 I file: 5/24/13
She expects you to roll over because that is the precedence you have set by your behaviour
Right now I don't think she cares why you move out. You could say something like 'I'm going to have a think about wether I want to stay here or move, I will let you know' Have you stood up to her about anything recently? It sounds like she walks all over you and you just take it. You shouldn't get nasty but at least stand your ground on something that she tries to push you over with.
If you moved out could she run up a lot of debt in both your names?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I know you are in terrific pain and probably don't realize what your responses are showing her. You are showing her you are too focused on what she's doing. Thus, you asking about what she was watching, etc. You are showing that her reaction (or lack of reaction)to what you ask her, affects your emotions. Then you continued by asking her again, thus showing your neediness for her attention. Then instead of ignoring her jab about you taking whatever you wanted, you had to come back with what could be interpreted as almost whining when you said, "but what if I want to stay here?" Of course, your tone of voice may not have sounded that way, IDK. But judging by the fact you wanted to press on with a R talk, I kind of think it was.
Quote:
It seems like she expects me to just roll over for her and do whatever she wants.
I understand, but I'm trying to get you to see that you are not helping the matter by that type of interaction with her. The less you do at this point, the better for you. You may not see it right now, but you cannot "reason" with a WAW who is an A.
Here's the main problem with a WAW: disrespect for her H. The lower the feeling of respect goes, the lower the attraction. The higher the respect goes, the higher the attraction. Remember, women are not wired the same as men, and for a woman, she has to respect her H before she can have those "in love" feelings for him. So, it does nothing but antagonize the situation when you say these things.
She continues to stretch her expression of disrespect b/c she has the power to affect you. The one thing you can take power over, is how you will react to her. Every time you get upset, you've given her the power over you.
Yes, it will help when you are out from being in the same house. You will miss her terribly, so you have to prepare to keep your schedule full. Keep people activities as much as you can. Understanding and accepting that it will take lack of contact and TIME.....lots of time before she will want to seek you out again. And when she does, it doesn't mean she's ready, it just means she's curious.
It's a long road to reconciling. And, btw, don' t ever tell her you will wait for her to decide what she wants.....or that you'll be there for her.....or that she can depend upon you, and things like that. It sounds great in wedding vows, but not something you tell a woman who is cheating on you. You want her to wonder if she's lost all of those wonderful things in you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Of course, your tone of voice may not have sounded that way, IDK. But judging by the fact you wanted to press on with a R talk, I kind of think it was.
I don't think I sounded like I was whining. I didn't press on with R talk. I said we haven't talked about who is staying and who is leaving very much, Then didn't say anything further. The conversation didn't go any further than that.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
It's a long road to reconciling. And, btw, don' t ever tell her you will wait for her to decide what she wants....
She has already told me that she has decided to be with him and not me.
Me:22 W:20 T: 1.5 years M: 1 year I find out about EA: late March 2013 W says she wants D: 4/8/13 I find out about PA: 4/19/13 I move out: 5/9/13 I file: 5/24/13
If you moved out could she run up a lot of debt in both your names?
I don't think so, the only things that are in both of our names are the lease and our joint bank account. The bank account doesn't have any credit but she could spend everything in the checking account which would leave me with no cash. I do have a separate account with a CC on it but it's in my name and she doesn't have access unless she takes my card. When we separate I think it would probably be best to move some money from the joint account to my individual account so I can make rent payments, buy food etc. without worrying about her spending everything.
Me:22 W:20 T: 1.5 years M: 1 year I find out about EA: late March 2013 W says she wants D: 4/8/13 I find out about PA: 4/19/13 I move out: 5/9/13 I file: 5/24/13
It's a long road to reconciling. And, btw, don' t ever tell her you will wait for her to decide what she wants....
She has already told me that she has decided to be with him and not me.
That doesn't necessarily stop you from saying it. Now or in the future.
Originally Posted By: Alan A.
Originally Posted By: T1000
If you moved out could she run up a lot of debt in both your names?
I don't think so, the only things that are in both of our names are the lease and our joint bank account. The bank account doesn't have any credit but she could spend everything in the checking account which would leave me with no cash. I do have a separate account with a CC on it but it's in my name and she doesn't have access unless she takes my card. When we separate I think it would probably be best to move some money from the joint account to my individual account so I can make rent payments, buy food etc. without worrying about her spending everything.
I would suggest that you remove yourself from the joint account in the meantime and also get your name off the lease if you decide to move out.
My W and I have a joint account. I haven't used it for over a year. W has used it a tiny bit. In December she went slightly overdrawn twice, even that effected my credit. She has already told she has plans to decorate, it could be with OM's money could be with what is left in your checking account.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
That doesn't necessarily stop you from saying it. Now or in the future.
I suppose that is true but I don't intend to say it.
Today I decided to stay at school and do some studying instead of going home and studying. It help me to not wonder where W was when she normally would have been home. I got home pretty late, W was already here. I'm not sure when she got back but I don't really care or want to know. When I got home I started making myself something to eat. W comes into kitchen and says "I'm stupid." I think duh but say "why?" she says "I should have done the research for my psychology class." I asked her when it was due and she said tomorrow (which I guess is today now). I asked her what exactly she had to do and she said "six hours of department research." I told her "I don't know what that is." Guess what she says next... "Don't patronize me!"... seriously... I tell you that I don't know what something is and you think I'm patronizing you? I mean come on... If you didn't want to talk about it don't bring it up. I just said "I wasn't patronizing you, I don't know what that is." at that point I pretty much stopped paying attention to what she was saying, I don't think she ever explained it though.
Me:22 W:20 T: 1.5 years M: 1 year I find out about EA: late March 2013 W says she wants D: 4/8/13 I find out about PA: 4/19/13 I move out: 5/9/13 I file: 5/24/13
