Take the hits and keep moving forward.

[T1000]

Rocky Balboa:
But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!
Rocky Balboa (2006)

This quote stirs me when I hear it and keeps me going when I need it.

Last thread was at 99 posts so I thought I would start a new one.

My W has mentioned D today in a negative way, 1st time since July 2012.

Recently I have been trying to get some time for myself and I decided I would split the public holiday. I work all week and have the kids every weekend and holiday. This is because she obviously wants them to see their father but also she doesn't want to look after them at the weekends.
I miss my kids but if I feel I need some time to work on myself. My W has every weekend off and has done for 9 months.
I have been quite dim with contact. I initiate once a week to ask about the kids and let her initiate all other contact. She tends to contact me every day regarding one thing or another. This has been for two weeks.

Txt message:
12:47 - Wife: Are you you ok to have the kids til the Monday again on the Public holiday?

13:12 - T1000: I will have them the Sunday night but bringing them back Monday morning.

13:13 - Wife: Well I was actually hoping to go to city with my friends on the Sunday.
13:15 - Wife: Won't be back til 1ish

13:24 - T1000: Can you make it earlier?

13:37 - Wife: How much earlier?
13:37 - Wife: We are getting the train.
13:39 - Wife: Thought you would like the opportunity to spend more time with them?
^^^^^^^^(tbh this felt like she was trying to guilt me into having them)

13:44 - T1000: 11 oclock or even 12.

13:44 - Wife: Ok. I'll arrange to be back for 12. Ill start having the boys one weekend out of the month if its getting too much having them at weekends.
^^^^^^^^ Again this felt like she was trying to guilt me.

13:51 - T1000: 12 is spot on.

13:50 - Wife: Glad it works for you
13:51 - Wife: Need to also sort this divorce out!

14:06 - T1000: If you wish to pursue it then I can't stop you, right now I am still in a position of wanting to work on a new relationship with and as such I am not willing to initiate a divorce.

14:11 - Wife: You've hardly spoke to me so I'm not quite sure how you can even say that

14:22 - T1000: I live every day learning to be a better man for my family and for myself. I have come a long way and I still have far to go. Sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do but I do it anyway. When you told me you were dating I saw that as my cue to give you more space so thats what I have been doing.
End of message

Not heard anything since and it's been about 3 hours.
When I read this back I do feel I was coming from a place of anger at certain points in the begininning.

I think my dim contact has done something but what I'm not quite sure. It's as if she feels like I don't care. I did and didn't want to bring up the dating for several reasons but I felt like I had to justify my distancing.

I tried to leave sometime between txts so I could think about what I said and not just react. Glad I did or it wouldn't have been this tame. I nearly gave in at one point but stood my ground.
Looking at what my W was saying to maybe guilt me is that passive aggressive behaviour? I think we both might suffer from it in different ways.

I would love to hear some critiques of the conversation. Any 2x4's coming my way?

[T1000]

Bump

[Accuray]

I think you handled that exchange perfectly and she was definitely trying to apply guilt -- good for you for just ignoring those comments!

Custody agreements I'm familiar with are often that father takes kids every other weekend plus 1-2 nights per week. You taking them all weekend every weekend does not seem reasonable to me.

[T1000]

Thanks for the reply Accuray. I'm glad to hear you think I handled it OK.

Not sure how it works where I live. I couldn't have them during the week due to distance.


Didn't hear anything from her until nearly 24 hours later.

Txt message:
12:37 Wife: What time were you thinking of bringing S3 and S1 back?
12:48 Wife: Hello?
12:48 Wife: Anybody there?

12:54 T1000: Be at yours for 4.00

12:52 Wife: Ok
End of message

Later on

Txt message:
15:44 T1000: Hit a traffic jam, gonna be at least another 40 mins

15:51 Wife: Oh your joking

15:54 T1000: I wish

15:55 Wife: Gutted. Been sat by the window waiting for you all.

16:00 T1000: What's the saying. Humans make plans while God rolls around laughing his ass off.

16:00 Wife: How very philosophical of you!

16:02 T1000: You been eating a dictionary?

16:03 Wife: Yes....two last night and one this morning
16:16 Wife: (Sent me funny pic)
16:25 Wife: Eta

16:27 T1000: 5
16:27 T1000: Mins

16:26 Wife: Ok
End of message

I honestly didn't know how she was going to be when I dropped the kids off.
The text today she seems a little bit more chatty. She kept S1 up a bit later than normal (I tend to leave when the kids are in bed). Offered me some food (I declined) and later made me a cup of tea.
It feels like she is maybe wanting me to spend more time with me.
It felt when I left like I could have stayed there for as long as I wanted.

Maybe I'm mind reading or trying to see what I want to see.

My dim contact has obviously been noticed. It's tempting to change this but I can't really say why I should.
I do think I should show more interest when she contacts me. For the last 3-4 days I have been short. I think this has pushed her buttons.

How do I know when I should push for something else?

[T1000]

I'm by no means detached but I feel like I am starting to.
I tell myself from time to time that I will be fine no matter what happens.
I'm starting to believe it too.

My sitch bugs me everyday. I worry if my direction is correct but I don't feel as panicky as it used to.

[AnotherStander]

It feels like she is maybe wanting me to spend more time with My dim contact has obviously been noticed. It's tempting to change this but I can't really say why I should.

It's tricky business navigating these waters sometimes. I've been dim for months and have started backing down from it to see how it goes. I've been texting and talking to W more and she's been very receptive so far. The trigger for me was when I talked to her by phone a couple of weeks ago and she said she was ready to start the D paperwork. At that point I figured I had been dim long enough and it was time to try something different.

I do think I should show more interest when she contacts me. For the last 3-4 days I have been short. I think this has pushed her buttons.

Don't be short with her even when dim because it will leave her with the impression that you're mad at her. Even when detaching Michele says to "lovingly" detach, so it's not about being cold or indifferent, just about pulling back and removing pressure.

How do I know when I should push for something else?

DB'ing is all about doing what works and discarding what doesn't work. It's not about doing one thing over and over again. Good DB'ing includes changing things up now and then. So make some adjustments and monitor the results. If the sitch improves then keep it up, if things get worse then reverse course.

I think people are so afraid they're going to make their sitch worse that they don't want to ever change anything, but if you don't change things up now and then you don't know if you're on the right track or not.

[T1000]

Thanks AS

I had been thinking today about what I should change and thought I would maybe initiate Skype wit the kids tomorrow which I haven't done for a while. Normally ends up just me and her talking because the kids are so young.

Haven't had any contact since I dropped off kids last night and then W just sent me two pics, one of S3 and one S1 and her!!

I'm glad she did but it doesn't half screw with my head. I'm going to note it as a positive small step and carry on.

[T1000]

Got back from my martial arts class tonight. Checked my phone. No messages, I was particularly devastated but was disappointed.

Just before I want to bed after reading some old threads on the forum I ran through my sitch and thought about the bad feeling I get from time to time.

When I broke it down, W sent me pics without me asking, one of them was of her and we had a little back and forth chatting. It was the best interaction we have had for 2 months and it was only 4 hours ago. As soon as I thought about that it put a smile on my face.
Just goes to show easy I fall into poor state of mind.

It's also easy to rush the next interaction and make things happen quicker, I imagine the squirrel and the nut analogy. That helps.

[T1000]

Two of my current 180's are seeing a IC and going to Yoga. I am doing these for 180's and GAL.

How do I show this to my W without me saying it outright.
Drop it conversation when I feel it's appropriate? Mention either in passing?
Wait until she finds out somehow?

[azguy]

Hi, T1000. Interested in learning about your sitch, but not sure I'm up for a 99 post thread. From what I read on this one, your going dim may have helped, but she also seems to have interpreted it as you moving on. Now that she realizes she misunderstood it, and you know this, it sounds like the perfect opportunity to try a bit more interaction.

How would you bring up IC or Yoga with a friend? If I'm enjoying something new and mention it to a friend, I can talk about it and have a good conversation. No agenda, I am just sharing a good experience. On the other hand, bringing it up with an agenda (SEE, I've changed, I'm good now) will most likely backfire. And if you can't imagine bringing it up with a friend, maybe it's best to wait with the W as well.

Anyhow, mainly interested to find your thread and learn about your story. Good luck! Thanks for stopping by my thread earlier.