darth vader and i

[BFloat]

i have to say again how grateful i am to have a sounding board here. thank you AS and KG. your words have given me a lot to think about.

yes i did become codependent in my M. and the funny thing was that in the beginning, i was the one that kept insisting we needed to be our own separate persons. it use to drive me nuts when H would say.. we're the same person. and i kept telling him.. no! we are 2 separate people. but over the years, i really did lose myself. to the point where i didn't even recognize myself anymore.

so H txted today wondering if he could come by. i said ok and that we should talk to the kids soon. H has been looking at me weird these days. it's a much softer look then it use to be. it's much more pleasant then the cold distant looks i use to get. but, i find it hard to make eye contact. because i'm afraid that the minute i make eye contact, he will be able to see all the hurt i still carry.

after dinner, we talked to the kids explaining that H would be moving. they didn't have much to say. i don't think they fully understand and i expect the questions will come sporadically. \

i am also currently sick. i just feel run down and physically exhausted. H noticed because i didn't eat much dinner.. D also announced that "mommy's very sick". so i took H up on his offer to bathe the kids and put them to bed. he even did my dishes. guilt? probably. but i'll take it. i sent H a txt afterwards thanking him for doing my dishes and putting the kids to bed. told him it was a nice break for me.

after he left, my place seems a little emptier. so i hung up some of my jackets where H would normally keep his..

today i'm sad but, i feel a sense of calm i haven't felt in a while. over the weekend, i saw a lone bracelet in the ferry gift shop that said hope on 1 side and miracles on the other. i'm keeping my focus on reading my books.. sorting myself out.. my gf has been luring me to make a major move to a different town. the lure of it sounds tempting but, i feel that i can't make any major decisions right now because i fear that i may just be running away.

ok.. italian lesson of the day.. i know what dov'e il means.. i had to look up gabinetto. yup. that one will come in handy.