Crazy little thing called MLC

[Raine]

At points I feel like I have forgiven him, but that's hard when the affairs continue. I guess I feel I'm understanding. I understand how he could be where he is and how he could be doing what he is doing. The longer this goes on the more I learn the why's: the neglect, the abuse, the resentment. The who's and the what's of his replay aren't that important to me, it's the why he is here and whether it can it be overcome/healed.

I long to be out of limbo, one way or another. It has been nice (helpful and good for the kids) and also draining to have him here. I have a lot of respect for those who can manage to live with an MLCer. He is so immature. I was tired of all the boyish jokes. At one point I teased him about being 16, and he said he wishes he was. He is more like 13-14. Interesting he is that clued in, even if we were joking around.

Paternity leave is over and he has moved back out and back to full throttle single life. As much as he has been blaming himself he did bring up again that he felt I didn't appreciate his affections before when I would get frustrated he wouldn't leave me be when I was working on something. So yes my husband abandoned his family because sometimes I got annoyed when he wanted multiple kisses when I was working on something. There's a box for that to check when I file for divorce right?:)

All joking aside (I did not joke with him) I took his feelings very seriously. I feel horrible about it, that I was too busy to meet his needs. I apologized to him and told him there are things that I did that I'm not happy about, things I've changed about myself. I know I was resentful of him. I take full responsibility for my faults and where I could have been a much better wife.

In so many ways I get the feeling to run away. I find myself looking at jobs out of state. I want to D and run away from it all and not have to see him or deal with him. I fight that with wanting my kids to have a good relationship with their dad. I want my kids to have both parents. I think about being remarried and blending families and the work involved with that and how that would be so hard on the kids. I think about how hard it is to be a single mom. It makes me hold on that maybe H will come around at some point and we can fix things and our M can be better than it was before.

It's emotion vs logic. Logically I'm not going anywhere. Even if I was divorced, nothing would change. I wouldn't be dating or anything. I just think I wouldn't be hurt by him being with OW. (I probably still would be, and likely even more so because he wouldnt need to hide it anymore.) But that pain seems worth it if things can work out in the end.