Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

Thanks, labug & PoN, for following my thread and for your advice.

Monday, day after "D" bomb I went to see an old GF & had a very good day, DESPITE the "D" bomb! Of course we talked about what had happened, but I have to say I didn't obsess about it all day AND I didn't cry once! That was HUGE for me!

Today was INTERESTING...

Went to meet w two different lawyers. Loved the first. She was efficient and answered all my questions and didn't rush me out the door. I felt EMPOWERED when I left her.

Didn't realize D was so frickin expensive though! (Beyond the emotional cost, I mean.)

So, I rushed around between the two apptments-went to the gym (my destressor) then to get groceries. Was in a mad rush to put away groceries & had to dash out the door to get to my second appointment.

When I got to the L's office I realized I had left my folder of information, questions, facts and figures ON THE COUNTER AT HOME.

I thought, oh well, I can wing this having just gone through it all this morning. Meeting went fine. L was a nice older man, but he was more about generalities.

Anyway, H called 3 times during meeting & last call was at the end of the meeting I took it...

Hold on to your britches here...

He said, "What's this folder on the counter with all these lawyer questions and dated today?!!!"

He was NOT happy. Oops. BIG mistake by me.

I took a deep breath & told him I was just seeking information JUST IN CASE and that I wanted to know where I might stand should he file for D.

He answered that I had lied to him (yes, I told him I had a doctor apptmt) & why didn't we go together? (WTF!!)

I apologized for lying & told him I really didn't want to share w him that I was going b/c I didn't think he'd understand my reasons for going (which he didn't).

I told him I wanted information for ME.

He proceeded to ask if I would share the information I found out, which I MOSTLY did.

He said he would never be financially irresponsible to me or the kids & if I thought he was going to be "out to get me" I was wrong.

Then, I was bold enough to tell him some of the major things I would want if he did file. #1 physical custody of the kids #2 the house & no payment from me to him for his share until the youngest is 18 #3 my own retirement/pension funds (as mine are significantly more than his).

He did say he would want me to stay in the house w the boys. He also said yes, to the retirement/pensions. He said nothing about the "no payment until the youngest is 18."

We talked about how expensive D is & he said, "I always thought that we would use a mediator, b/c I figured we could work things out ourselves." I said a mediator doesn't represent either of us, so if we had disagreements we couldn't resolve a mediator wouldn't work, but that I hadn't thought about what we would do at all.

I managed to remind him 2 or 3 times that I DON'T WANT THIS.

Still, the conversation started to sound as if this was going to happen.

Don't know what to do now. Is my DBIng time done? I know it's not over 'til it's over, but it feels like he is done.

I guess I wait to see if he files, reread DB/DR, keep GALing, keep doing my 180s, and try to have a PMA whenever I'm around him.

He says he does really "care about me as a person," (that sounded so demeaning to be "a person" rather than "a wife"). He wants to be able to show me he cares but has been afraid to give me mixed messages.

I told him, "Thank you for caring. Don't worry I won't interpret your caring the wrong way. I get it."

He called and left me a voicemail that he really does care about me even if I don't think he does.

I feels like he is reaching out just b/c the "D" bomb is now out there and he may have some relief that maybe this will move forward.

Any advice now????????????