It has been several months since I posted in here and I thought I would give an update.
We are getting a divorce. I wasn't able to make it work or get thru to him that I really needed more from our marriage. Things I tried between May 2012 & March 2013 included: - I stopped criticizing any issues around a lack of help at home and focused on the two things I really needed - Touch and Conversation. If he would just touch me and talk with me I could make this work. I didn't expect it every day, but often enough that I felt he liked me and wanted me around (4-5 days a week when I wasn't traveling would have been ideal). - I started buying lingerie and wearing just a thong to bed, and touching him to try and initiate sex. I learned that he's only interested about once a week, no matter what I wear. - I made plans for a separation in late July 2012. I found an apartment that would let me bring my dog for a short term lease (that took a lot of effort) and we talked about it during MC. I didn't go thru with it, though, because he seemed to make more of an effort to touch me for a few weeks. - Planned a quick get-away in late November to try and rekindle the sense of fun & romance. We definitely had some fun and some good times in the hotel room, but once we got home it was back to once a week quickies. - Continued with MC and trying to understand what he wanted, what would make him feel interested in me again. I also suggested we try a different kind of MC (called EFT or Emotionally Focused Therapy). - Things really went downhill after Christmas - We separated in March.
I thought that it would be a trial separation at first. I thought if I had some time away from the rejection and hurt I would be open to trying again. I was wrong, after he was gone I felt lonely but not rejected. I prefer lonely.
Sadly, I think he has seen the light. He finally had time to read the book on EFT and he also thinks its a great technique. He even found a therapist who practices it. I've tried to talk myself into giving it another try - but my heart is so set against it. It sounds crazy but I'd tell myself, "C'mon, why not try again? You can do this, and you can find a way to be happy in the marriage. You miss him being here, just give it another shot." And I had the strongest sense from deep in my chest that said, "Please don't put me through that again. Please." I didn't know how intensely painful separation would be and now that I do know, I don't think I'd have the courage to do it again. I really don't, and I think he would want to change and maybe change for a few months ... and then we'd be back in the same pattern again.
We were in MC for over a year this time thru, and I never got thru to him that I desperately needed to feel loved and wanted until we separated. Now he seems to understand how much it hurt to be rejected so many times, but try as I might, my brain can't talk my heart into trusting him again. I've done a lot of grieving for the loss of what I hoped we would someday have (a good marriage, a chance to grow old together, and that feeling of safety and security you have with someone who has known you for a very long time).
I understand that for the LBH, this message could be like salt in a wound. I am sorry if that is true for you. I know that I'm not able to speak for all WAW but I bet that in most cases, the following is true ... 1) When we felt that our husbands didn't want us or didn't love us, we started to believe we were unlovable and unwantable. That is a deep pain. 2) Even if it seems like we are doing okay, we aren't. We have our ups and downs and nights where we cry for no apparent reason. Even a month after the separation. Probably even longer, I'm just not experienced enough with this to tell you when it stops. 3) We are scared. We are scared that if we try again, we will talk ourselves into settling for what we had and we will continue to feel small and "less than" for the rest of our lives. We are scared that we are wrong when we think, "I'd rather be lonely than be ignored and pushed away." 4) We know that what we had (a marriage that didn't work) was hurting us. We don't know if the future will be any better, but we feel compelled to try.
Best of luck to all of you. For anyone who does get a second chance I wish you all the best and hope you persevere to transform your marriage into a place of love, safety, and acceptance.
