Fartiltre, Hi, thanks for reading. I've been following your topic too...thanks for sharing.
As for my 180's...I do know my flaws (or at least the ones I can find) and am working on them. I'm actually being pretty thorough about this; listing them, reflecting deeply on them, deciding what to change and how to change it, even working on some kind of means of monitoring and recording my progress. I'm really doing it just for me, although I do hope that correcting them will be noticed and help my sit.
The staying busy and acting as-if are hard. Like you, GAL is tough for me due to time constraints, kids needs, etc. I try to find things to do that 'fit' my schedule; otherwise I'm trying to get out once or twice a week and just do things out of the house. I visit a friend, or go window shopping, that kind of thing. I'd like to get out and meet some people, but this makes me a bit nervous (okay...a lot nervous) and just doesn't feel right.
Acting as-if is just plain tough. I guess the key word here, at least at this point, is acting? As for keeping the hope alive, I won't quit. Don't want to...period.
Thanks again for reading...I appreciate the company, even though I wish none of us felt we needed to be here.
I was just reading barely floating's post "Darth Vader and I" and ran across this quote by labug...
Originally Posted By: labug
i only allowed myself to be teary once.
It seems this has merit for you, if so, why?
You're holding back Lake Mead and have been since you started on this journey. Emotions aren't good or bad they just are. The thought of feeling them can be scary but as we do it little be little it becomes less so and our lives become more peaceful.
I was thinking about my problem with this myself a lot the past couple of days. I'm sad, often and deeply, but I'm starting to...run out of tears. My emotions are just as strong as they have been all along, but I seem to be forgetting how to cry, and sometimes that really feels like the best thing I could do. I feel like I'm holding back Lake Mead, and I don't want to anymore. I'm not sure what the problem is, but if anyone could give me some hints on how I can let myself hurt and get it out, I'd appreciate it...I don't want this all bottled up inside me any longer...
I'm guessing everyone will tell me it's a big fat step backwards, but I had to do it. I didn't feel like the state of deep withdrawal from W was really the best route to go, at least not yet. So I wrote her a letter...a very gentle, honest, loving letter. No expectations, I even let her know that she didn't need to take it, I was just offering.
I just wanted to let her know that my honoring her need for space and time was in no way indicative that I was quitting, that I don't want her to think it's just 'more of the same'; that I expected nothing from her; that I would be there for her if she needs me; and finally, that if by reaching out to her from time to time is hurting her, she could let me know without any kind of fear or apprehension...
I guess that's really just a quick summary. There was more, but along the same vein...
Of course, I felt that it was something I had to do, things I had to let her know. Now that I've done it, I feel a little more comfortable with trying to 'stay out of the way.' Those aren't really the words I'm looking for, but it's the best I could do right now. Anyways, I know I'll slip up from time to time, but I'm trying to figure out how to detach. I'm starting to see that I can do this without abandoning my hopes or my love, but it's hard. Now that I've given her the letter, I guess I feel a little better about pulling back a bit now...
From what I can see your sitch is looking good. Your interactions are positive, no OM, W wants to spend time with you and she is looking a MC. She's even helping you buy underwear!!
You will find that time feels like it's standing still. I can look back two weeks on the calendar and it feels like months ago. The reason I mention this is because I don't think your letter was needed, it was too soon and was a panic move. It didn't say much more than the 1.5 hour R conversation you had 6 days ago. She wanted to have that conversation. You really have no expectations? It appears like you were stating your position again (so she really knows for sure) but it's also pressure on her. If she is having second thoughts it could make her feel guilty and if she isn't it can make you look like a back up plan or weak. She knows where you stand, stop telling her.
If you want to send a letter tell us and wait for a response and BUMP your thread until someone does help you.
I than that it's going well. GAL will help you massively. It will take you mind off the sitch allowing it time to do things that you can only damage by being upset or rushing things. If GAL is working out how to successfully buy your own underwear then do that. It takes up your time, you look independent and it's a 180 as daft as it sounds.
Now go and buy some socks.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Also cleaning the house can take up some time and help a bit but cleaning the house that your wife used to live in with you it isn't the GAL you need. Get out.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I was thinking about my problem with this myself a lot the past couple of days. I'm sad, often and deeply, but I'm starting to...run out of tears.
This implies that you've been crying a lot up to this point, if that's the case then I think you're handling it fine. What Bug is talking about is something that's addressed in the book "The Happiness Trap" and that is that we should not fight or suppress emotions, but should let them happen. If we try and suppress them they just build up inside and come out in bigger, uglier ways. But if we let them happen, we process them and recover faster. As Bug says (and the book too), emotions are not "good" or "bad", that's just labels that society has put on them. All emotions are part of us and we should welcome them all. So, as long as you're not trying to push your emotions aside you're doing fine. Don't look at crying as a litmus test for how well you're dealing with emotions because sometimes crying is part of it and sometimes it's not.
Regarding the crying, it is normal and healthy, but don't do it in front of your W or the kids. Keep it private. I used to cry in the car all the way home from work, then get home, go in my bedroom, lock the door and collapse on the floor crying. Then I'd gather myself, put a smile on my face and go out to engage the kids. That went on for weeks. But I think it brought the healing on much faster, I bounced back really fast after I worked through all of that.
You're right, writing the letter was a panic move...I knew it at the time, but I still felt that I needed to do it...guess I need to find some strategies for dealing with anxiety, but it's not something I've experienced much before, so not sure what to do. And I see now that the letter is pressure on her, I'll work on this, on not doing things like this. In a way it was reiterating my position, but there were a number of things in the letter that were not in the convo that I wanted to say. I'll be working on the patience thing more now.
As for an OM, I can't say for sure. The week she left she did go out with another man. She told me she was to try to prove to herself that she was doing the right thing. She said that all it did was prove her wrong, hurt her badly emotionally, and cast doubt as to whether this was what she wanted; I know I'm not supposed to believe what she says or does, but this is one place where I feel she was sincere. I take that as a good sign...I said nothing, just let it go...
GAL is still difficult, but I'm trying to figure it out...I suppose I'll get there.
As for the crying thing, I think I understand what T1000 is telling me. It's just that I feel like I need to. Sometimes the tears well up inside me but they just won't come. I try to find some other way to let it all out, like exercising (doing a lot of that) or beating the stuffing out of my pillow, or a whole bunch of other things. But in the end, it's still there, and I just want to process the feelings, get the stress out, and get back on the horse. I hope that all makes sense
Also in response to T1000, no, I really have no expectations, or at least most of the time...that is not to say I have no hopes or desires, but I do not expect anything of her. That is to say, while I hope that she will say for example contact me, or send me something, or come back home, I know that I can't count on any of these things happening. Basically, I know that I love her, and I don't need any excuses to love her; I'm learning that I love her no matter what the situation, and that I can give her my love without expecting anything in return. I've known this all along, but now it's really being tested...
It was one of the first things I began to work on...I guess in a way this is kind of detaching?
