My Story - Need Advice (Thread 2)

[Accuray]

100% agree with Mach1. The fact that she's willing to do this is a gift. Most WAS are on the crazy train and their thoughts are disjointed and constantly shifting. The fact that she has journaled and organized it is huge because it indicates she's actually doing the work to understand herself! It usually takes a long time for the WAS to get there, my W still has not.

This is a journey, they start out with "all your fault, you are the villain and I am the victim". If you fight and argue against that, it solidifies their position. If you listen and validate, it allows them to move on and eventually get to "this was NOT all your fault." That's a journey they need to take on their own.

This will be very cathartic for your wife. Here's how to handle it: pretend she's talking about the actions of a third party and focus on how she feels. You can't argue about how she feels, it's non-negotiable. Ask follow on questions to clarify, and repeat or reword to confirm understanding but focus on how she felt and not on what happened.

You don't have to agree with her interpretation of events -- avoid those arguments. You can say "I might not remember it that way, but lets focus on how it made you feel".

Do not argue or debate, don't judge or editorialize. Tell her you'd like some time to think about it and plan a follow up discussion after your emotions have time to flush out.

I did this with my W. In the first meeting I just recorded, validated and clarified feelings. In the second meeting, I played back what I heard. You know what happened then? When she heard it played back she realized that some of it was over the top and started to take it back, soften and change her attitudes, but the most valuable part by far is that she felt heard.

Go into it like a researcher studying the situation and be grateful for the opportunity, it's a good thing, it means she cares. Refer back to Mach1's post about Judo.

NO comments allowed like "if I fix that can we get back together" and don't feel the need to overly apologize -- just listen listen listen.

Accuray