Help & Advice Needed Please (Thread 3)

[Intact]

Wanted to ask some of the vets on here:

I've heard it said by a few people on here that the WAS is very confused and tormented etc. Do you believe this to be true? I only ask because my W seems happy and so together.

[Intact]

...

[AnotherStander]

Wanted to ask some of the vets on here:

I've heard it said by a few people on here that the WAS is very confused and tormented etc. Do you believe this to be true? I only ask because my W seems happy and so together.

Yes, absolutely. My W even said so, and not just once but several times right up until recently. Like yours, my W also seemed "happy and so together" on the outside, but she did eventually disclose to me that she spent much of her alone time crying and felt completely torn up and confused inside. She actually said she was jealous of my calm and confidence in this when she felt nothing of the sort.

Don't believe what you see on the outside, there's a lot of crazy stuff boiling on the inside.

[AnotherStander]

It's silly I know but the last 2 days I've had this overwhelming feeling that I have wanted to send my Wife an email asking her to work on our marriage. I know it wouldn't achieve anything other than pushing her further away but I want her to know that I'm still prepared to work on on our marriage... It's very difficult.

I'm going to stray from DB'ing a bit here and say what I think- if it makes you feel better then do it. I did it a couple of times and it made no difference in my sitch, but it did make me feel better in knowing without a doubt that W knew my position. And for that alone it was worth it to me. But if you do it, don't do it in a begging/ pleading/ groveling manner. I'll give you an example, when my W requested D info via my brother I sent it to her along with this message (this was just last week):

I’m pretty sure you know where I stand on this, but let me just say one last time that if this is what you want, then I support your decision and will sign the papers, but I still feel like we should at least give reconciliation a try. I don’t expect you to want to go back to what we had before because clearly it didn’t work for either of us. But that doesn’t mean we can’t build a new relationship and marriage that is far better than what we had before. I’m not asking you to make a commitment or move back in tomorrow or anything. I’m just asking for you to try a little, open the door to building a new relationship, and give it some time to see how it develops. I think we owe it to the kids and ourselves to at least try. But if you want to push forward with a divorce I won’t do anything to block the process.

I hope your day goes well!

So basically I let her know that the door is still open to reconciliation, but I did NOT say that I was waiting forever for her, or that I was a doormat she could wipe her feet on whenever she pleased, or that I'm a sure thing she can just move back in with whenever she wants, or that I'm going to fight her wishes. I think that if you phrase it with similar sentiments then you can get your point across without it being a lot of pressure on her.

[Intact]

Thank you AS I really appreciate your advice it makes so much sense.

I'm going to write the email but sit on it for a week and make sure I do feel its the right thing. Don't worry I won't beg or plead or make it sound like I'm waiting around...

Thank you again.

[Intact]

Well, I've written the email and as stated I'm going to sit on it for a week and really think about sending it.

I've tried not to be needy or add any pressure as well as make sure that its obvious I'm not going to wait around forever...

Really not sure at this point if I will send it or not, but I at he moment I fail to see how it could make things worse.

[hotwheelsaust]

What a beautiful way with words you have Anotherstander. I tried putting words together a couple of week ago stating my intentions and it was ignored. But I will wait another 2 months and try again with similar words to what you wrote. I also believe it is not going to make anything worse that what it is. Sometimes though I really think the WAS needs to hear you still care and love them. That is in some sitch's not all.

[willbwell]

intact, I too am sitting on an email to my H. He doesn't initiate any contact with me. Makes no indication whatsoever that he wants to work on marriage. I often see sadness in his face when he is here with kids. I know he is struggling. He knows what I want though. I think its the WAS that don't know what THEY want. And while I am giving him space to figure it out, I feel the other option of letting him go is not one I am ready to face yet. So, we continue in limbo. Hard every single day!

[Spartan]

I'm not against sending these types of things if it makes YOU feel better. Just don't have any expectations that it will be the light bulb moment from her you're hoping for.

...but at the moment I fail to see how it could make things worse.

Is that the right attitude?

Isn't the question will this bring me closer to my goal or further away from it?

[Intact]

I'm not against sending these types of things if it makes YOU feel better. Just don't have any expectations that it will be the light bulb moment from her you're hoping for.

...but at the moment I fail to see how it could make things worse.

Is that the right attitude?

Isn't the question will this bring me closer to my goal or further away from it?

This is a very good point - truth be told I don't know what it will do the sitch - I don't think it will change it much but I do believe she needs to hear that I'm still willing to fight for our marriage. I think at the moment she is so into OM very little will do any harm or any good but surely at some point in the future I need to look our son in the eyes and honestly tell him I tried everything.