darth vader and i

[keep_going]

BF - you sound better today! Yes, it's beautiful and sunny outside and it's great that you can focus on that.

I feel like I have crying non-stop for the past little while. Painful, gut wrenching sobs. Similar to BD. all the while wondering when this will all end... Why do I feel like I'm not good enough.. Being mad at the world.. Mad at myself.. Wondering how I could feel so weak to feel so broken all over again. I allowed very dark thoughts to enter my mind where I entertained thoughts of just disappearing (but only for a brief second)...

I can totally relate to what you wrote ^^^^ and I am sorry you are hurting and struggling so much. I think we are sometimes too hard on ourselves, thinking we should be stronger, we should not have all these feelings and hurt so much after all this time... One thing I am trying to practice as part of my self-forgiveness is to learn to be ok with where I am in my process. Yes, it's been a while since DB and yes, we go back to similar struggles as in the early days, but isn't that part of the rollercoaster? Isn't that part of the normal grieving process? It's not a linear thing and beating ourselves up for it only makes us feel worse...

Be good to yourself. You have made a lot of progress, you are doing better and you are stronger. You were just in the middle of a big wave, in it's worst part probably, but you will get out of it. You are already sounding so much better today!

I also totally relate to being the kind of person that holds a lot in, even when you are hurting. We are only human and I think it is a normal reaction to be afraid of showing vulnerability. I struggle with that as well. I try to remind myself that it's not a weakness, but it shows strength when we can be ok with our emotions, regardless of what they are, and be able to express them. Yes, we will be hurt, but that is inevitable, right? The question is how will we react when we get hurt.

I find it liberating not to always have to be the strong one...

I am glad you had a great time with your kids at the beach! Those precious moments will never come back.

BF - continue being good to yourself. What are you doing just today to pamper yourself? Ice cream? Bubble bath? Exercise? A walk in the sun? A chick flick? A nice dinner? An impromptu campout in your living room with the kids? A show that makes you laugh? A chat with a good friend?

Take care of yourself - we are here for you. Remember you are a strong, beautiful person and you will get over this rut!

(((((BF))))))