darth vader and i

[BFloat]

Thank you Semper for your kind words. I've actually been listening to pink a lot these days! some of her new songs really speak to me. Which song are you referring to?

Bugsy... I feel like I have crying non-stop for the past little while. Painful, gut wrenching sobs. Similar to BD. all the while wondering when this will all end... Why do I feel like I'm not good enough.. Being mad at the world.. Mad at myself.. Wondering how I could feel so weak to feel so broken all over again. I allowed very dark thoughts to enter my mind where I entertained thoughts of just disappearing (but only for a brief second)...

So when I felt moments of sadness over the weekend, I focused on the 2 beautiful little people in the back seat that deserved to feel loved and happy. Watching D get all wet from tromping in the ocean.. S run with his windmill trailing behind.. Scampering in the backyard looking for adventures with their friends.. And sticky faces full of roasted Marshmallows..

I felt more me in those moments. Remembering the gifts I've been given rather than the shoddy hand I feel I've been dealt.

But you're right labug.. I am the type of person that holds a lot in. Someone who is a master of portraying that everything's ok.. That I'm ok.. Even when I'm hurting inside. I'm vague.. With a gift for answering a question without ever answering anything.. A lot of the times, I don't even realize I'm doing it. I wouldn't say I'm cold.. Quite the opposite.. But I'm... Hesitant? Careful? I think I also feel like i don't want to bother people with my problems. Things I reflect on all the time....

I don't know where my journey takes me next.. But know that it's beautiful and sunny outside... I know that slowly.. One step at a time I'm going to figure this all out. In the meantime.. Maybe I should get back to the Italian course i started. The only thing I've managed to learn is.. Mi chiama bf.