i know- i am allover theplace . i'd be lying if i said this all doesn't effect me- just not as gut-wrenchingly as beginning.
you're so nice. the encouragement and saying do something nice. it's making me cry a bit here - pathetic huh? someone being nice is what gets me going. i haven't been able to cry for my sister's death/mlc crisis - which all began july 2008. just doesn't come-
i can tell sometimes i need the release - i guess i'm person who can't do it til it's alllllllll over and i'm out of "crisis- be strong" mode. someday the adrenaline will subside i guess and look out.
i think you might be rite. i feel and told him also- i don't know what i would ask for if i had a geni rite now- i don't want to care about him anymore and i don't (necessarily) want to think of never seeing his face again in my life.
as usual- stuck, but not seeing things as they are as any kind of a "future" that appeals to me. i want more.
i know he's afraid- i think his entire life has been fear based pretty much - love & emotions wise. he's so darn afraid to share himself and his world and his money. like his dumb possessions are why i'm around?!! he is as blind as i was.
he never ever asks where i'm going or where i was- etc. he is careful not to express any interest. does he really think making no demands of me for fidelity exonerates him one bit for his cheating? we don't think so.
have said fifty times- i'm not going be his mother or his buddy- I feel i'm his mate or nothin. it's just who i am in relation to him. i don't think i can get myself to want to be in another role with him. nothing (well, not enough) in it for me.
I hope & think you're rite - that i'll be okay in the end. it sure does a job on one's ego & head . between him and my mother- i wonder that i still have an ego. they don't get it or see it (mom- pre-dementia was always tough cookie & critical. so, nothing new. just about 15 years of her going on - at end of my rope with that also. it's just too much negativity (about me) on a daily basis. he thinks i was scrappy and that's why we fought (sheesh - try constant criticism for breathing even ..
no one- can just plug along in this and have it not affect them - somehow.
back to h tho- sadly- and honestly- i think his guilt inspired his ed - and that is something only his own heart can fix. this is his biggest FEAR i thnk- and honestly also- i don't think he'll ever have the courage to give it a whirl- in case he fails. cripes !! that one, where does one go with that- psychological road block- it's his and i can't fix it or touch it. literally or figuratively. oh man-
we touched briefly on the subject of wanting something that one just can't "make happen" by asking. i.e., his caring for me. make no mistake- he brought it up- i was not saying it- i was not asking for it- as usual, his assumptions. he's soooooooo big into telling me what i think. he's always off base. that's when i told him i do not honestly know what i'd ask for - even if i could. i'm just not sure he is a person i would choose to get to know now, knowing what i do about his character & choices. back to that- what person is this? and do we want to know him? much less like him?...etc
if anyone knows it's just not something one can ask for - it's me. what the heck have i been doing here - quietly dbing ??? if something creeps into his head or heart is only possibility here- is that likely? who but God could say that -
thanks for the kind words tho -
i don't know what he's got to reel me in with. he can buy me trinkets & do chores til the cows come home. if she's around- i'm just probably going to continue not caring more and more. she is something (huge) between us- if he can't see that- he is not too brite...
i still feel today like i just don't give a damn any more- whether he comes here and likes what he sees, hears, wants to inspect me for yet more flaws or imperfections - WHAT????? I'M done with that. i'm just me- who i've always been. I don't even want to change- i never tried to change him- i hate feeling like a fraud.
oh well huh- again, thanks for your kind words and encouragement. this sure is the longest and most jacked up thing i've ever encountered in my (feeling longer every day) 62 years.
i'm glad as heck i think i've been happy for 60 years. if it all blows to hell i've got that- more than alot of people i'd say. (tho i do not allow myself to revisit happy old memories - too painful & hard)
we were at a place in life where we could have (and still could) make it whatever we wanted. we had it all - i mean ALL - COULD have traveled, got new jobs - began some new life entirely - whatever we wanted. how pitiful that his only answer to "trouble" was run back to olden days boy-self & try that again. find the place he was young & in charge and go back.
i'm not ms. philosophy- but even i know we have to go forward - even when we don't like it- can't go back and re-be young us. the wrinkles give us away- no one buys it - oh well....
i've almost dug down to spare room bed- my goal for day- then a long hot bath with a good book and some new bath salts- so yay - i will take that little treat.
and thank you for asking about mom- called dr. office to see if maybe new drug she's taking could dcause 4-6 episodes of such exaggerated hostility & animosity that really- it was just bizarre even for her. so- call in- fingers crossed. no trouble yet today.
