Sorry I've been dark. I've been doing a lot of thinking and other things. Took D away this weekend as W was moving stuff out of house. Tough weekend, but great with D!
I have been taking everything you guys have said to heart. I am trying to focus on me, leave my W alone, and not bring up M discussion.
However, I need your guys help. My W since she left has been Journaling about her feelings, both current and before she left. She says it helps her to process her feelings. She has said that she wants to sit down and share her thinking on how she was hurt, and why she left in more detail when she is ready. When she left she did say some things like completely unhappy, hurtful words said when aruging and felt like i didnt like her at times, or help enough after her sickness. She has shared/opened up to me on her own a couple of times while writing the journal... They have all been instances where I lost my cool in an argument, which I fully understands hurts. However, she is only looking at what I said or did in those instances, and not her role - human nature of course.
Here is my thing, she wants to come over tomorrow night to talk about this. I asked her if this was a doom and gloom conversation. She asked why, and I said, well, I'm worried this will be 15 years of everything I've ever said or done wrong, and while I'll take responsibility for my actions, I don't know if my mental state can deal with that. She said, no, it's not everything you've done wrong, like a list, but it will be a very difficult and hurtful conversation for you that you will have to listen.
I have to be completely honest here. My W has already made me(or at least i feel) feel that everything wrong in this is my fault, and from her side that maybe it is, and that's natural. But, I don't know if I can mentally and emotionally take this conversation...I'm already carrying HUGE guilt from everything she has said that it has cost me my family. Im so conflicted, I know she needs to do this, and if there is any chance for us down the road, I need to let her voice her feelings and hurt and sit there and just listen, not defend myself.
What do I do here? I'm worried that it's going to be an hour or two of how bad a person I am, how I've ruined our lives together, etc.
