Thanks

[PatientMan]

Regarding the post from Thursday, I chose to leave after putting the kids to bed. The show she wanted to watch was a rerun anyway. She could tell something was wrong because it wasn't two minutes after I left that she texted me asking if I was mad at her. I simply responded with "no." Over the weekend, I spent my time and energy with the girls, choosing not to "hang out" with her at all. This isn't that huge of a deal given our weekends are busy with her working half days on Saturdays and Sundays, the kids activities, and church. My girls stayed at my place Friday night and I had my date with D7 on Saturday.

She can definitely sense that I am creating distance, and I abhor feeling this way, I just feel like I can't be around her right now. I'm sure she thinks I'm reacting to the child support talk and the receipt of the divorce decree, which is not the case. The sum of all the things I know (that she doesn't know I know) has simply added up to too much for me right now. I WANT to trust her, and I have tried, but I keep feeling betrayed. (I could add in some very typical WAW behaviors and rationalizations here, but will spare the space for now.)

I also hate that my different attitude towards her feels like it is pushing her away. I guess it just stimulates the fear that once she's gone things will really never be the same. I suppose it's just hard to let that go. I feel like I am stuck in this no-win situation right now. If I pretend I am okay, then I am not being genuine. If I let it be known that I am not okay, then I am pushing her away.

I do know that, once the divorce is final, she can no longer be the #1 priority in my life. I have to refocus that on my daughters. I "know" that, but it isn't easy. It's hard to watch unfold. I like doing things for her and showing her that I love her in my own way. Maybe one day I'll get to do that again, or even say it again. Maybe not.

She wants to remain friends and have things be "okay." She wants this to be as painless as possible. Let me emphatically state that I am not and would not ever make a decision simply to make things more difficult, I just don't agree that things post-D will be as rosy as she hopes.

My mind toggles back and forth between the idea of OM being around (which I am not sure of) and feeling okay with myself believing she's making a huge mistake here. The idea of OM can tear me apart sometimes, and I'm trying not to let it. I experience success and failure in my attempts, which is quite typical.

I am definitely bouncing back faster from my low points, so that is a positive.

I asked this in another thread, but should I tell her why I creating distance, if she asks me? Some examples of my possible replies:

1) "You have engaged in behavior that I said was unacceptable to me, and so I don't care what you do any longer. I have decided that I am going to live my life....and I'm going to do what makes me happy." (this was based on what Sandi2 mentioned here. I wouldn't say this in a rude way, just as a matter of fact.

I could be more generic:

2) "I'm just sorting through a lot of things right now and need some space in order to process it."

My actions are driven by many DB ideas, but the few that always rise to the top are:

1) Don't fuel her fire (don't make it easy to divorce me by being a jerk)
2) Be a man only a fool would leave
3) Keep the road paved home smooth

I wonder if sometimes those are in conflict with each other, or if I just haven't figured out the right combination yet.

It's quiet here. Advice/thoughts very welcome.

Thanks,

-PM