LRT - Dealing with WAW Affair

[RealityTrip]

Why? Do I feel so regressed? Strength has not been with me this weekend. I've had a question ringing over and over in my head today. "Does she miss me at all?" I guess the answer is no. If she did she would call, text, or email.

It's upsetting. I feel like my mental energy should stay focused on my healing and growth and that falling back into the "why?" boo-hoo part of me is counter-productive but I can't seem to snap out of it. Is this a place that I need to return to on occasion to process the emotions in stages?

Thanks for your support NG I tried to keep myself busy today but 3 or 4 x's I was sobbing and praying out loud. I tried to ride it out each time so it wouldn't build up.

The friends that I went out with yesterday introduced me to an app for my phone called MeetUp. People can join interest groups in their local area and when someone puts together a MeetUp for the group you accept or decline and you can see a list of who's going. So the group they introduced me to was a local women's group. That's how they new about the band playing last night and that the community was going out. I signed up today and now I have this huge list of things to do to meet new people. It's a little overwhelming! But I think it will be a really good tool to GAL and chip away at my loneliness.

[RealityTrip]

I've been snooping again. I don't know why. These nutty emotions lately? I'm not confronting her with what I discover like the last time but I'm not sure why I am revisiting this bad habit. I know what it does to me. It's one of the main reasons I initiated LRT and NC, because the OW and my W's A are not healthy for me to focus on. I don't have her email passwords anymore and I asked her a month ago to change the password to our family cell plan because I didn't want to spy on her contact and monitor what she was doing. So why am I finding ways to snoop now? Like checking her debit card transactions to see what city she is in. (AP lives over an hour from where she is staying)

I remember MWD wrote in DR that I have to be patient and everything will take longer than I expect it to or want but these past couple of rough days I've just wanted to pick up the phone and say "Enough already! I want an answer! What's it going to be? Me or her?"

I hope my patience returns soon. I'm feeling stubborn. I haven't wanted to do any soul searching or personal work the past couple of days. I'm tired and hurt and angry... and I miss her terribly. This morning on the way to the office I told myself I needed to email her about the taxes today. I realized I was just making an excuse to contact her. I'm not going to do it.

So in the spirit of keeping my mouth shut and protecting her space and mine with NC... here I am, ranting at all of you. (thanks for listening)

[needgrace]

yes RT, rant here all you need.

things that helped me:

take NC a moment at a time, tell yourself i only need to get through this minute or hour.... and then the next.

when i was at that place, i made a document full of helpful quotes (Pema, jack Kornfield, Tara Brach, people on the DB board) and then i made posts its of some of the most needed of those and put those up on my mirrors, fridge, etc. to help me.

i also listened to cds by pema over and over again and talks by tara brach (free on her website)

i had a few friends that were willing to allow me to talk and talk in my attempt to make sense of my story.. i know that asking why can seem pointless but i believe that we tell our stories over and over again when there is trauma in an attempt to make sense of them.

i gave myself compassion for the moments that i was unable to read/pray/think about growth... and allowed myself to process this all at my own pace, as i was able..

i posted to some other newbies on the DB board that became dear, dear friends and provided me so so much support...


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((RT))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[needgrace]

love this quote

:“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
― Rumi

[RealityTrip]

That's a good visualization to have for the pain. Thanks NG!

SO... Here I was wanting to contact her and wondering if she missed me and she came up with a reason to text me. (I'm sure she didn't disect it like I am, but she really didn't need to text me for the answers)

She "apologized for bothering me, told me she was getting the tax info to the CPA today, asked how are neighbors son was since he's been having difficult times, she sent kisses to our dog that's home with me and she 'Hoped I was doing OK'." (all one text)

I didn't ingore her. I just wanted to respond to her.

I answered that she "was never a bother, our neighbor was having some tough times, that our dog was doing well (I'm trying to get some weight off of her and voice command train her)and that "I am doing ok. I have a call with school today, my financial aid was approved', and I hope you are keeping your chin up."

She texted back: "I am trying. I can't tell u enough how proud of you that I am!!!! Proud of (our dog)too. Xo take care of urself."

I just left it at that. I didn't text back.

The truth is I responded and engaged her because we are S by distance since she is in another state and I just feel like if given an opportunity to have an interaction that is pleasant and "As If" occasionally that I should take it if she initiates it. But not go overboard.

I don't know. Maybe since I'm just really missing her today and these days have been so hard I cracked. Is this a "backslide" or taking advantage of an "opportunity"?

[JuneReN]

Okay LOVE Rumi btw!! He is one of my favourites ( live where you fear to live...)

I digress...RT, I found that I snooped when I was feeling particularly vulnerable and let those emotions imprison me. Feel them all, but don't dwell on them. Let them run through you and examine them instead of engaging in activities to take your mind away from them ( like snooping . ).

It's really hard to sit with those feelings, you don't validate them, just see where they may take you for a bit.

[RealityTrip]

JOURNAL: Why won't she just end it? Why do they keep us dragging along while they play and live in their fantasy? Why is this ok for me? Why does it bother it me that she is with the AP when I know that she needs to experience the AP to face reality? Here I am thinking she is delusional, what if it's really me that's delusional?... Why won't she just say it's over, apologize for hurting me and dissolve our marriage?

This it's my "crazy". Welcome to my head.

[in_it]

Hey, RealityTrip. I wonder the same thing every single day. But, you know what? There is a reason. Even though we don't know that reason, our spouse IS still around & aren't ending it. Maybe that day will come, but maybe not. The life of limbo is torture. I just keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end. Keep a PMA & take it minute by minute.

[needgrace]

hi RT,

for me, all those thoughts were about avoiding my feelings (yes i am a controlaholic), keeping my focus on her and what i could do as a way to run away from the hurt...

my "guardian angel" cadet told me to take my love for my W and put it in a box and place it high up in the closet for now. that thought has helped me and i hope it helps you.

i thought your handled the texts really well. what everyone here kept telling me to do, over and over :), was to continue to turn the focus onto me. hard for me but it has gotten easier, much easier...

another quote that i printed out and kept with me:

Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, “This is what I need.” It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment—not discouragement—you will find the strength there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege!! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow. Then, when looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures, followed by wreckage, were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You’ll see this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.
~ Joseph Campbell Quotes from A Joseph Campbell Companion

you are stronger than you imagine, RT... and just when you think that you can not handle this, you will find even more reserves of strength... and there will be a new confidence within you bc you will know that this strength is always there for you and can take you through anything life offers you.

[newman7977]

RT, I myself wonder about these same questions. So I keep reminding myself that I too have a choice. A choice to end this, a choice to remove myself from this sitch, etc. But I chose to hang on a little bit more to see what happens. When I think about my choices then I feel I have control of me.

Hang in there RT.

Newman