Just had the following text exchnge with W. Did I handle this ok? WC = babysitter Me: All I'm asking you is to give me an idea so I can plan whether i need to get him from WC or not tomorrow.
Me: Also, his last day of school is at noon on may 17th. So now we have to figure that out around your surgery as well
W: Ok I'm not able to answer your question. I'll get back ASAP Tomororw
Me: I understand you might not be able to answer it right now. I was asking for an idea. 4? 5? 6? Then I figured you would let me know tomorrow when you where leaving Show. That's all
W: Lets say 5 and ill let you know
Me: Thank you. Fair enough. Now depending on my day I'll have an idea whether or not to get son from WC
Me: btw, Put WC on alert for 5/17 as well
W: Ok but can you focus on what needs to be done now. I'm not mad or blaming you but this is really stressing me out and making me not want to go
Me: Huh? Not wanting to go where
W: to the show
Me: Wife, you need to do this show. You have been preparing for this show for a while. I certainly do not want to add any stress to your plate. It's just that this show is 2 weeks and then next thing you know you have this surgery. I'm jut trying to line up my end of things that's all. If there is something I can do to help you, within reason, let me know
W: I understand. I'm just freaking out and I'm not enjoying it.
W: Nothing seems to get done with anything unless I'm on top of it and I feel like I'm letting everything fail
W: House, Son, show. Everything
Me: You are not letting everything fail. I can understand with everything going on why you would feel that way. I'm trying to help you where I can. That's why I'm asking the things I do.
Too much pressure placed on something that you "want" her to do...
You asked her once what time she would be back, and she had already said that she didn't know...
So MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS, and let her know what they are when she gets home....
You are a parent too.....right ?
CB...
There is so much wrong with that up there ^^^^
You are still trying to control her , and manipulate her...
You are using your son, to guilt her...
All under the premise, that you WANT her to do this....
And there is little room for validation, AFTER you have pushed her into a corner...
What I sense, is that you want her to do this, as long as she tells you exactly what she is doing, and what time she is leaving, and that she will still be back in time to take care of your Son. And that if she HAS to be home, because you didn't/won't make arrangements for him, then she will have ZERO time, to spend around this other guy....
How close am I ???
It should have went down something like this...
ME= W , Since you aren't sure what time you would be back, I went ahead and made arrangements for Son to be at (X place). Just let me know when you are back, so we can make plans.
Mach, You are definitely right on some of that. It certainly looks like I am trying to manipulate her. Even though that isnt what I am trying to get across. Controlling and manipulative are a couple reasons I am in this position to begin with. Thank you for pointing that out. Thats crazy that I didn't feel that way at all when I was sending those texts, but you point them out and I see it now. I do it without even knowing. Thats scary. My whole reasoning for sending what I sent and asking is because she had already lined babysitter to pick son up from school but I wanted to get him from babysitter if possible. i also want her to put her son before these shows. The one thing that everyone around her sees is that son is taking a backseat to her horseworld. Its very selfish, but I cant control and thank you for reminding me of that. I am not concerned with her making arrangements with other guy. I already know they wil be spending plenty of time together. I have come to accept that and realizse that she has to figure out what she wants. Much like I am trying to figure out what I want at this point. It definitely stinks thinking about it, but I actually feel better when I remind myself over and over that I cant control it
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Mach, I also feel that I have to "cave in" and pick up the pieces that she leaves behind from doing these horse shows. It makes me angry and bitter. Thats a big part of the problem with me not knowing what I want at this point either. You're right, i am a parent as well. But she supposed to be as well! thats when I get upset.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
And after hearing from you Mach I sent her the following text:
"Hey W. I just wanted to tell you sorry if you felt like I'm putting pressure on you to be back by a certain time today. Wasn 't my intention at all, but looking back at it I realize that's how it might have come across. I will get son from WC this afternoon and we will meet up with you whenever you get back. Remember art show is from 630-8 so we can go anytime between that. So no need to rush. Relax! You are going to do great at this show and that positive attitude needs to start today"
Her response: "Thanks, I appreciate that"
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
And after hearing from you Mach I sent her the following text:
"Hey W. I just wanted to tell you sorry if you felt like I'm putting pressure on you to be back by a certain time today. Wasn 't my intention at all, but looking back at it I realize that's how it might have come across. I will get son from WC this afternoon and we will meet up with you whenever you get back. Remember art show is from 630-8 so we can go anytime between that. So no need to rush. Relax! You are going to do great at this show and that positive attitude needs to start today"
Her response: "Thanks, I appreciate that"
Funny how little things like words make a difference huh ???
I would still take some stuff out, but hey, that's just me....
I wanted to point this out, because the downfall of most of your interactions, comes from your controlling nature...
Why are you like that ???
Answer that ^^^ , and then you can start working on true change...
Even what I struck from what I would have sent, has a tone of YOU trying to control her.....
It has a tone of superiority in it as well...
This is HER day, one that she has been looking forward to for some time....right ????
And you placed exceptions on it for her...
So what happens if she forgets ?
What happens, if she doesn't make it home in time ???
Mach, I also feel that I have to "cave in" and pick up the pieces that she leaves behind from doing these horse shows. It makes me angry and bitter. Thats a big part of the problem with me not knowing what I want at this point either. You're right, i am a parent as well. But she supposed to be as well! thats when I get upset.
Life is about perspective CB...
Are you really "picking up the pieces" ??
Or is it more quality time that YOU get to spend with your Son ??
I guess it depends on how you want to see it...
And you can't hang your hat on what she does parenting.
You take your half, and you run with it.
DO NOT let her define the kind of Father that you want to be...
Getting angry, zaps your time and energy from the time that you could be using, for more worthwhile activities....
Your job as a co-parent...????
Your job isn't to facilitate their relationship, your job is to NOT damage it...
Answer that ^^^ , and then you can start working on true change..."
I think I am like that because I am an insecure person on the inside. I need to beomce the best person I can be. I dont know when I became so insecure, but I think it started a few years ago. I was a very confident person who would always look at the positives in life. I know its the reason my wife fell in love with me. I need to get that person back, not for W, but for me.
You are so right about the parenting stuff. It is all about perspective and i need to realize that. I cant do it for her. I feel bad for my son in the end. Example is when I have him and she doesnt call to say goodnight. I was thinking to myself that im going to have to text her to remind her to call while she is out of town at this show, but then I remembered that its not my respondsibilty. I keep reminding myself that this his her journey and I need to stop trying to control it. I dont want to be that person anymore
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I think I am like that because I am an insecure person on the inside. I need to beomce the best person I can be. I dont know when I became so insecure, but I think it started a few years ago. I was a very confident person who would always look at the positives in life. I know its the reason my wife fell in love with me. I need to get that person back, not for W, but for me.
Why are you insecure ???
Do you have an appendage growing from the center of your head or something ???
WHY are you insecure ???
What are the triggers, that cause you to become insecure ???
