Shiss, based on the information I got out of my session with the coach, you might try to just be friendly when he reaches out to you, but you have to act as you are going on with your life. Every situation is different, but I think this would apply to your sitch as well.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Yes that's what I was trying to say too. Like BF, my H expected me to react in anger and be a b*tch. And I was and I did for awhile. And it didn't help. And there was a mess on his side too that he was dealing with. But it wasn't until I started being friendly that he recognized change.
Friendly, or specifically 'neighborly' was my DB coach's idea. And the first two sessions she just said to be friendly when he reached out. Then last time, with the progress we saw, DB coach said to do a little of both. So I mostly wait for H to initiate, but when it gets stale like last night it'd been a couple days, I'll send a funny and break the ice a little.
And reading here about how you have no control really helped in the beginning too. I think you already know that and have really grown in that regard.
If he reaches out, you can respond being kind. If you do initiate, I read in a book about referring to good memories when contacting WAH. It adjusts the receiver's mental picture and the taps into the good feelings attached to the memories before you even say a thing. I tried this a couple times with good results.
Texted H when I saw an old car like the one we used to have, another time about memories about the kids when they were little, he replied 'good times'. It's not necessarily enough to build a R on, but a good reminder that the past isn't the warped version they're remembering.
Most importantly just work on yourself and feel your feelings and GAL. Show grace to yourself and H. Do you ever get the feeling that WAH's don't even really understand what they're doing? Makes me feel bad for them sometimes.
I worry that you seem to be looking for a sort of recipe of what you should do next, as reb was talking to you about. I suspect you're hoping if you just do this or that, it will get through to him.
I'm sorry to say it probably will not work like that. If he changes his mind, it will be on his timescale and for his reasons. There is no magic recipe to get him to see how wrong he is (from your perspective).
So why bother doing anything? Well, there are few spouses who feel all the faults lie with the other person. There are plenty of issues with mysef (anger, control, thoughfulness) that I have been working on since noticing them when my wife left. I am more the person I want to be. I hope she notices, but even if she doesn't I'm happier with myself now. I encourage you to look inside yourself and start working. Tell the group what you want to work on, if you'd like some support.
Of course you can do all of this without DB. What makes this useful for your M, is that it makes you look more attractive to your spouse, should he at some point look back. Keep the way back for him as smooth and inviting as possible, if you remain interested in the R.
This can also help with specific questions. Should you go dark? say hi? If the action is similar behavior to what he complained about, or actions you think were wrong in your M, don't do it. If it highlights a generous or improved behavior from you, work on doing it. It's not easy, it's not fair. But, it will be totally worth it for your sense of doing what you feel is right for the M.
So, can you tell us what you are going to work on?
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
It's difficult for me to say whether going dark is a good thing since I was emotionally needy and clingy during our M. Going dark and not begging or pleading is probably a 180 in my honest opinion. I am friendly when we do talk, but I haven't initiated any contact. I spoke with my C about this, she has read DB and DR and actually went to a counseling training camp with MWD, so I guess I should trust her advice.
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
I meditate, think of kids and H and wrap them in my energy. Weird ish, I know, but I like the feeling, the visualization.
I just told H I loved him today and he is my best friend. Course he still doesn't believe me lol. Not that I recommend this for you, but it is what works for me. Can you text him a dog pic? " so and so was sleeping like this it was so cute". Or whatever. And a thought you might like to have a pic
Sometimes I will just use a financial opener and add it is beautiful outside so enjoy! Have a great day
Good to hear! Being friendly, without being pursuing sounds like a reasonable 180. It will also need to be consistent for your H to begin to believe it, not just an action or two. In fact, you can probably expect he will challenge you or be dismissive of this behavior as you try it out. You might imagine such a scenario and envision how you'd like to react in that situation.
And I'm happy to hear your C has DB training. Whatever he/she advises will probably be more informed than you can get from here. Keep it up!
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
