darth vader and i

[BFloat]

thanks bklyn.. your words mean a lot to me. you and i have been on a similar timeline and it definitely isn't easy with the young kids. but we just keep going..

labug.. i had a good weekend. i only allowed myself to be teary once. and seeing my kids happy was extremely therapeutic for me.

the kids have not seen or heard from H since thursday. it's been a really long while since he's been away from them that long and usually he'll txt to see how everything is going. but.. we heard nothing.

there were moments i was tempted to send him a photo or txt him about the funny things the kids were up to but, i decided not to. i thought it would be better to just leave him be.

this evening, i received not 1 but 3 messages. first telling me he just got reception back and was heading home and did i need him to pick up anything. my immediate thought.. where the heck did you go? but i refrained from asking or even answering that msg. second msg... hope everything is ok. assumed i didn't need him to pick up anything. i still did not answer thinking, this is not life or death. plus i'm busy trying to get the kids all ready for bed. 3 msg.. he wasn't sure if i wasn't speaking to him or whether i was just busy.. could i please let him know where the kids are because he really missed them and wanted to see them. kids were staying at my mom's because i'm working early tomorrow.. H had agreed last week to pick S up from there to take him to school tomorrow. he knows the routine.

so i finally answered saying i was busy. and kids were tucked in at my mom's (even though he should have been fully aware of all this).

i don't get it. if you miss them so much.. why don't you call? why don't you come back earlier to see them not wait until late in the evening when they're already settled for the night. why come here? he has his own place. i get that it's not set up yet but, given the fact that he can't seem to get away from me fast enough.. wouldn't he prefer to stay there?

and here is my judgmental side coming in which i'm trying to let go of.. you've just rented your own space after 18 months.. shouldn't you spend the weekend setting it up so that the kids can come stay there with you asap? why would you go out of town right away? he basically came here to shower and sleep for a bit before heading to work.

H also txted me once he was at work saying he saw briefly saw some of the photos from the weekend and wondered why D looked sad in some of them. told me he missed them so much. now.. in order to see the photos, he would have had to go looking for the folder on the computer.

i'm taking the advice i've read on other people's threads.. going to stop telling him when the kids have meltdowns about missing daddy. they will eventually let him know. and i will continue to just create memories and spending time with the kiddies.

aside from the emotional ride i've been going through.. i'm just physically exhausted. i need a vacation where i can just sleep. maybe in a hammock.. with a warm breeze..