we are a military family, we had just returned home from spending the holidays with our families in our home state. I have a history of depression (and now looking back feel that may have been a factor in our troubles.) a few days after getting home i started having a bad episode of depression. I went in on the 15th of jan and got on meds and got with a counsalor.
On the 15th H was informed that a co-worker and his wife were murdered in their home the day before. He said that his first thought was about his uncle who passed away when he was younger but still struggles with his death.
That whole week he was acting distant and moody, finally i asked him that friday what was wrong. He said he was thinking more on having kids. (when we got married i was clear on how i didnt want any, he was hoping id change my mind.) he was thinking of his own mortality, and just thinking about his life. I admit i freaked about the kid issue because we had been down this road six months prior.
We bickered on and off for a few weeks, he got depressed and had a thought of ending his life. So he started seeing his own counselor. We both agreed that i should go back home for a week to give each other space. That week i called once a day to check on him but that was it.
The weekend I was supposed to come back I asked if I could stay longer to be with my family, he said he didnt mind. On the Monday after superbowl we had a argument and I said maybe we should try a legal seperation. he thought i meant the beginnings of divorce and i meant just a seperation were I'd live back home.
That whole week he got wasted after work and would just fight and call me names if i called. He also started going over stuff from our past with his counselor and started getting mad about that too. Finally that weekend he called me sober and said he doesnt think there was anything to save and wanted a divorce.
I did beg for a chance and he gave me 30 days to come back and try. I get back and things go well for three days and i pushed for affection and he shut down again. We fought and he said he was done but i convinced him to keep trying. He admitted the old ILYBNILWY line.
I leave the next weekend to visit friends and when i came back he was super affectionate and his old self. Three days later during sex I made a innocent comment and he shut down again. After fighting on and off for a few days he printed out divorce papers and filled them out. When i told him I found them he hugged me and told me he hadent meant for me to find them.
We agreed to try marriage counseling, before we had our first appointment I found out he was having a EA with his co-worker. I confronted him and he cut contact, Ive checked cell bill and facebook. He wanted to file over Easter but keep trying till the divorce was finale.
We had two sessions with kim our MC, he thought the homework was BS because why should he be doing the same thing hes been doing and it hasnt gotten him anywhere. ( showing me affection and love. I admit I hadnt met his needs for awhile now because of my depression.)
We go to our home state for easter and the days leading up to our last blow out he was so sweet and kind. We get to the courthouse and i plead with him not to do this and he says why not? I told him i loved him and didnt want this. I refused to go inside with him, he calls me a cunt and asks if he has to sleep with someone to get his divorce.
I told him five times to stop talking and he wouldnt, so i threw a cup of ice at him. long story short we fought, next day he leaves me in our home state and goes home. He says he is DONE, hired a lawyer, served me papers.
Last night I asked if we could try one last time while we wait for the D to be final. He said he'd think on it and let me know Tuesday.
His reasons to divorce: Tired of fighting Has a I dont give a [censored] attitude about us His feelings are not the same He wants no resonsibilites and to live care free
is there any hope for us?????
H:25 M:25 T: 9 1/2 Yrs M: 5 Yrs
trouble in paradise: 1/18 Big D: 2/10 EA confirmed 3/11 H Leaves me: 3/30 Files: 4/8 Served: 4/15 OW Confirmed: 8/6 Divorce Final: ???
While your H would be "too young" to be considered having a MLC, that is not always the case. In reality, anyone can have a Life Crises, even if they are not Mid Life.
You are probably quite correct that your H began to come to the realization that he IS mortal and that, no doubt, scared him.
Did the two of you frequently have heated arguments?
I have vision problems that make it impossible for me to drive and i have a hard enough time having a life outside of the home as it is.
After all this happened though ive come to realize that it makes me sad that i may never have kids with H, and im starting to be more open to the idea. it wasnt fair of me to shut down and not communicate with him.
i have told him that ive thought more on it and am more open to the idea. Thats what I keep thinking that its sort of a life crisis, depression, or PTSD.
We have had a history of arguing and not being able to communicate well. i would like to go to our MC on my own and try to learn how to communicate better. Thats if he will agree to me going back to our duty station since im back home with family.
H:25 M:25 T: 9 1/2 Yrs M: 5 Yrs
trouble in paradise: 1/18 Big D: 2/10 EA confirmed 3/11 H Leaves me: 3/30 Files: 4/8 Served: 4/15 OW Confirmed: 8/6 Divorce Final: ???
Breathe my dear, read a book, go for a walk. Patience is key. Hope is what keeps us going but remember you can only control you not H. Update us on your switch and let us know. Hugs!
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
I like the idea of Love Dare, although I think that many people who come here (when the M is all but done) are well past a Love Dare solution.
I think a lot of young people initially worry about having kids and eventually change their minds. That you are reconsidering having children, just be sure that it is something that you would like, even if it ends up not with your H. That you would not be using it as a bargaining chip, just to get him back.
You say it would be difficult to speak your H's LL because your not with him. What's his LL?
Do your best to not worry about whether your H is with OW. If he's in crises, he may do a lot of things that he would not otherwise do. If there's an OW, it's a band aid solution and is not likely to last. An OW is a symptom of the underlying problem.
Your emotions are all over the place and it appears that showing or expressing your emotions is normal for you. That is OK. Although you will do well to get some help, in some form, to manage those emotions. Not stuffing them, just understanding them so that you can stop being as re-active.
We talk about detaching and that means becoming less emotionally attached to things that he may say or do, right now. That does not remove the love, it just helps you to reason through things.
A simple tool to help detach is to count to ten when you feel a reaction coming on. Also, stepping away from the situation as quickly and calmly as you can and get yourself to a place where you can calm down. Just going for a walk will help you do that.
Find other resources and support for that.
Is your eye problem degenerative, or has it been life long? You indicate that you can not drive because of it and in the same sentence you say it's hard to GAL. Are you equating your eye problem with GAL? There are many things that people can do to GAL that does not have to be out of the home. Did you have any hobbies in the past that you might get back into?
