The aforementioned discussion that should have taken place last week was neatly set aside by my H. It was a brief circular discussion that ended with my H turning on the television.
He's putting off his last two exams again; and I'm not very pleased. I act as if it's okay with me, but essentially it's just delaying the moment of truth for both of us. I know that he won't seriously consider coming home until he has completed his certifications and gotten a job. If he continues to put it off after that then I'll know I am just wasting time waiting on something that will never happen.
We're already starting to slip back into old patterns. Last night I made a fruitless attempt at a conversation with him. It's pretty pointless because he and I simply don't agree on how two people should discuss anything. To put it simply we're both pretty bull headed with our opinions only I think arguing is part of the fun and he would rather eat broken glass. Personally, I like to win my arguments by merit, not because someone wanted to keep the peace. H simply doesn't think we should discuss anything we disagree about. Gee that leaves for a lot of dead air time.
I made one last attempt to continue the discussion, but he blew me off and turned on the television. I gave up and went to bed. Ah... silence... just like the good old days. H must have been contrite, because he came to bed in the mood to talk and took a lot more ribbing than usual.
I am not feeling contrite. I am not feeling generous or loving or patient either. Mainly I feel trapped. I know that if I pull the plug I will regret it for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I wonder how much longer I can put energy into a relationship that never seems to get any better. I guess, I'm burning out.
I've restarted yoga. I started a new Italian class. I'm trying to make some headway on expanding our Italian conversation group. Hopefully I will know sooner rather than later whether there is room in my life for my H or not.
I still check in on people from time to time here, though I can't say I have much to contribute anymore. There certainly isn't much point in posting to my own thread. I feel like I'm approaching the moment of truth. My divorce is busted or I am. Thanks for being there when you were. I'm sure I'll be around, but in the meantime take care of yourselves. --z
