Work quite a bit next week, D 13 has dance show two nights, lunch on Tues. with a good friend of mine ( he is kind of in same sitch, but W is still at home and no OP). Into city Friday, Sunday is a small 10 k in the mountains race...so it is full!!
Discussing my sitch with a friend yesterday and was looking perplexed at H s outlook on future etc . She said it is because you are his brain and he misses that. I suppose, who really knows? I think it is simply talking to someone who gets you and knows you. There is a huge attraction to talking or being with someone who knows you inside out, whether you are in love or not.
Sometimes I think that WASs look for that everything new and wonderful feeling again, where they get to start again, and in my Hs case, be someone different.
I don't know when they realize, or if they realize, they are still who they are, no matter how desperate they are to project someone else.
Although, someone else may see him in a totally different way than I do, and his habit of giving in to me and then resenting it, may never come up with GF because she may hand decisions to him, or say " you choose". Instead of my controlling everything behaviour.
Interesting in my head this morning. Stupid meditation lol!
Ruby, I have a theory called the "New Car" syndrome lol. Basically when we purchase a new car we love it, the smell, the clean upholstery, the perfect and shiny exterior. We take care of it by washing, waxing and changing the oil. Well, as the years go by that new car takes a few dings and scratches. We go from washing the car every week to maybe once a month, to once a year to never. That great new car eventually becomes that piece of crap sitting in the driveway and we hope someone would just steal it so we can get the insurance money. If we could remember the good that car has done for us and understand that the next "New Car" will eventually become the next piece of crap, then we would work at maintaining it and perhaps change our attitude about it.
Hows that for weird hahahahahaha!!!
We tend to want everything microwaved, quick fix. I hurt so I have to do something, anything to relieve the hurt and I must do it right now. That unfortunately is where we are.
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Although, someone else may see him in a totally different way than I do, and his habit of giving in to me and then resenting it, may never come up with GF because she may hand decisions to him, or say " you choose". Instead of my controlling everything behaviour.
Perhaps he NEVER made a decision and they had to be made thus putting that onto your shoulders. Eventually becoming a pattern and way of life for you two. Perhaps cows can fart hard enough to project them into orbit . Controlling behavior is more like a codependent thing, learn to allow others their rights to fail or succeed, just be there for them. Expectations!!! we want things to turn out a certain way so we control.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Perhaps he NEVER made a decision and they had to be made thus putting that onto your shoulders. Eventually becoming a pattern and way of life for you two. Perhaps cows can fart hard enough to project them into orbit . Controlling behavior is more like a codependent thing, learn to allow others their rights to fail or succeed, just be there for them. Expectations!!! we want things to turn out a certain way so we control.
You know, I was thinking about what you said above and it does make sense. I am not seeking absolution for my behaviour, but how very nice to be able to blame anything that did not turn out right on someone else. Pema Chodron actually speaks on that topic and I was just reading about it today. It is easy to blame and not take any responsibility. I begin to realize the depth of bitterness and anger that H would have had. If I constantly thought it was somebody else's fault all the time, I wouldn't like them very much either.
Of course, I wouldn't like me as well, because I would have never stood for the things I believed in at all.
i recently read some more stuff on love addiction and avoidance. the avoidant depends on the addict to provide the emotional intensity of the R and the addict denies how walled in the avoidant truly is... eventually the avoidant gets overwhelmed though by the R, becomes critical and needs to distance to avoid. they sometimes use addictive behaviors or affairs to numb out.
not sure if you felt that dynamic at all with H. i was thinking that it might also provide a different perspective on controlling behaviour
ND: very interesting concept. Not sure if it applies, but I was certainly the emotional one lol!
Bug: I can see this from a woman's POV, but maybe not a man's. h told me that I never really needed him for anything. That nineteen years ago when I was terrorized by our landlord and called H crying, that that was the last time he ever felt needed. Kind of sad, I think.
I am not sure how to need him now, especially since he is not here. And the fact is I don't need him.. Want him, yes, but need? No. How do I reconcile that with a guy who just wants some validation in the form of being needed??
H just emailed and said he talked to D and she is going hiking this weekend with him to a mountain three hours away.
Now, I know previously GF was going ( last week) but the weather did not cooperate.
So, 1) H made plans to take D without consulting me first. I have full custody. I am working through this one and think my pissed off reaction is just that. So I am letting that one go. He doesn't see them that often, and I try to encourage his interaction. We have no set schedule. And we are not busy that Saturday.
2). I am leaning towards trusting H in the talks we had. He has not told D he has GF and that talk should be soon. I also requested that his time with her be his time. Not GF, H, and D time. This is my gut feeling...to trust in his respecting my request. I am leaning here to not mentioning a thing about GF and saying sounds great!
A little hamster ish this morn, but if I do not open myself to trust then I haven't moved forward much, have I?
. Controlling behavior is more like a codependent thing, learn to allow others their rights to fail or succeed, just be there for them. Expectations!!! we want things to turn out a certain way so we control.