Still treading water #4

[2chiquitos]

She confuses me to death.

Of course she's confusing you. You are reading into things and what you think is a lead to something is only a waste of time in assuming her behavior. Stop trying to figure her out!

She's confused herself!! Don't get caught up in it!

[Grizz]

So W starts her new job on the first. I am guessing I have about 6 weeks, tops, before she leaves. I wish I could say that I have DB perfectly and 100% of the time over the last several months but I have not. This is probably too little too late but let's get this perfect over the next 6 weeks.

ABSOLUTELY NO POUTING (ie being passive aggressive). This $ucks! Everyone knows it $ucks. I can't keep being down when I am around my W. it is so hard to be around her because I still love her and don't want to lose her and I want to touch her. But I can't directly control any of that. Maybe indirectly but not directly. Even with all of this crap going on, I am such a happy person when I am not around my W. As soon as she comes around I shut down.

I have been asked several times over the past few weeks if things between W and I are getting better. They have said that i just seem to be much better off than previously. They are surprised when I say things definitely aren't better. If they saw me around W they would know that things aren't better because I am a different person around her. That is just stupid. So.......

BE ME, EVERYWHERE, ALL OF THE TIME! I can do this.

[cbtdad]

Yes you can Grizz! Be you.
That's exactly what you need to do and let her walk her journey.

[uRworthy]

Sweetie, I want to see you taking the focus off of your wife. That's the key to all this.

This is tough stuff. Really tough. It aint for the faint of heart.

It's hard enough without you putting a timeframe on it.

The way to do this is to make a choice. Make a choice to be the best you, you can be. Regardless of what your wife does or says.

Get out of your head, G.

Figure out who you want to be for you. And each day, be that person. Some days you'll make it, some you wont, but that should always be the goal.

It is really important to understand that this is a journey she is meant to go on. Your job is to get out of the way and start yours.

No one knows what the future holds. But you have been given a wonderful opportunity to become the man you were meant to be.

Be that man.

[Grizz]

Thanks cbt and uR. She does control my moods. I realize that this is what detaching is all about. I need to get better. I can be myself when I am not around her, why not be myself regardless of where W is or what W is doing.
Thanks again.

[uRworthy]

G, listen, you are new into this. It is hard stuff and it takes time.

You cant be yourself around her because you are worried about what she thinks and you dont want to do the wrong thing.

Detaching is the most difficult part of this. It is counterintuitive to how you think you are supposed to act.

But it is the key to all of this. It allows you to focus on you and who you want to be regardless of what she says or does. What dbing helps you do is become the best you, which is always the goal. And sometimes it saves marriages.

It helps if you think of her as a neighbor. You would be friendly, light, and go about your life.

[JuneReN]

Grizz, this is in reply to your post on Semper;

With Ws back, I read two things happening here. 1) she knows perfectly well you can help, that is why she mentions it, so she can say no thank you. 2) if she mentions it again and you can bet your boots she will, I would respond with something along the lines of validation and acknowledgement of pain and ask her if she would like a list of names of people you trust to help out with the situation.

If she says "you can, but you didn't offer". Just accept the offer if you are willing
If she takes the list at least you know that she has acknowledged that you recognize her and her choices.

Also very good possibility she will suffer in " silence". Then dude, just keep doing what you're doing

[Grizz]

Thanks for keeping in touch uR and IO. I agree that I have been looking for her reactions to my actions.
IO, good advice. She just does this stuff to just take a jab at me. That hurts more than not being able to help her.

On being myself... Tonight was softball night. Came back in the last inning from 4 down to win. Scored the winning run (yeah me!). W used to stroke my male ego but she won't anymore so I guess I have to do it myself .. (Teenage boy giggle, sorry) Bear with me. Got home and my girls asked me how it went. I told them what happened and they were excited. W showed no emotion. Oh well, that didnt get me down. Previously it would have. Sometimes it is just the little things like softball to get the PMA going.

Thanks again guys for continuing to follow and help.

[uRworthy]

Yay, you! For getting the winning run and for not getting down for wife not acknowledging it.

And quite frankly, who cares at this point if she does or not? Not you, because you are living your life, right?

Good on you, G.

You're getting there. Keep going.

[JuneReN]

Nice Grizz! Sometimes, those moments, when we validate and recognize our own worth and accomplishments, help us to grow and gain the confidence to become the people we want to be