Hacker and Berto! Thanks for stopping by. I think it's a big boost to H, getting his MCSE. He got a little ticked because I "confused" people by telling them about it when he still has two more tests to upgrade the certification. I just told him that I didn't care, because I wanted to brag about him and it was a fact that he had the certification. I think he's just being humble (or maybe paranoid), but I'm resolved not to let him go unnoticed. He'll just have to get used to my irritating habit of saying what a great guy he is. Life's tough.
H and I don't agree on most political issues. H can't stand disagreement or debate. I am very opinionated and thrive on being absolutely right at the top of my lungs. These are not compatible traits.
So as elections heat up, I've been stopping myself mid-rant to pry a little opinion out of my H, who clearly doesn't want to discuss the issue after he's determined that I have squared myself off on the opposing team. By managing to keep my mouth shut and listen (this is very hard), I've gotten him to express himself if only briefly.
Yesterday was the primary. After we got back from voting, I asked him if he'd voted right. He looked alarmed, but asked me how he was supposed to vote. I weaseled it out of him. We'd agreed on two issues, disagreed on the rest. I told him happily that we had cancelled each other's votes and could relinquish responsbility for whatever happened on all but the issues we'd agreed upon.
He gave a bit of a speech on one of the more polarizing issues. I challenged him on a couple of points, but gave the floor back to him to finish his thoughts. It was almost like a discussion; except I'm sure my H wasn't pleased that I didn't tell him he was right in the end. I probably should have mentioned that his argument had some merit. Well, it will probably come up again, I'm sure.
Saturday, we were in the car when he saw some furniture on the side of the road. I'm all about dumpster diving, but this stuff was ugly. I told him so; and he said, "But I could really use something like that for my place." Nesting!?! Ouch!
I said, "You don't even have a sofa. Why do you need an end table?"
He said, "Well, that's because you wouldn't let me have the sofa." This is a reference to when we bought a sofa set together this year, and it ended up staying at the house. He delayed picking it up and then he decided to leave it there... at least that was what I thought. Turns out he thinks I wanted it. Far be it for me to come between my husband and his desire for freedom and a home of his own, I told him to come get the sofa immediately. I didn't use my calm, sweet voice either. H was telling me not to be silly and that I could keep the sofa. I was really upset.
At that moment we pulled into the driveway of his brother's house, so H wanted to pretend like nothing happened. I went inside, and talked to SIL about insignificant stuff for a minute until I was able to get it out of my mind.
When we left we had to drive by the same furniture, so the feeling came back. I was pretty much resolved to renting a truck and moving his sofa by myself. H said, "What's wrong?" It was probably better to have had a couple of hours for me to think about it because I had a much better idea of why the whole thing bothered me so much. I told him that I hadn't made a big deal about the sofa because I thought he was coming home, but that I do not want to be "the woman who took his sofa." He said that he had never said he wasn't coming home, which was good, but I was on a roll. I said, "I don't want to be the woman who took your LPs or your telescope or your wine or any of the other stuff you're storing in the basement. When I borrowed your drill I gave it back. If there's something you want out of the house, you can take it and I don't care if it's something that's mine or not." He said, "I know you don't want my things. I know you're not like that."
That was when the conversation turned (probably because of something I said) back to the subject of his moving home. He said that he misses me when I'm not around, so he thinks about moving home. Then he comes home and I tick him off, so he thinks he shouldn't move home. I can't remember what I said after that, but he asked me if I was going to throw him out again if he moved home. (This is a point of contention between the two of us. In my version, he left me.) I told him that I might throw him out if he doesn't move home. I think he flinched. These are stronger words than I intended, but I do believe time is running out.
Very soon he's either going to have to move home, make a break with me or come up with some new series of excuses for not moving home. It's his last option that concerns me most, because it would mean that it's up to me to end the madness. Yick!
Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that. Maybe I'm an optimist at heart, but I do see things moving in a positive direction; and I think these flare ups are natural... especially with bull headed people like H and me. Well I gotta stop griping and get to work on the house. Y'all take care. --z
BTW: H and I are thinking about having a family motto: Che catso fai?! The rated G version translates as "What the hell are you doing?", but literally it's a lot more offensive than that. We're having a good laugh about it.
Hi all. I'm just blasting in for a second. I had a rough weekend, being down on myself, et al. I've been having doubts about how I'm living my life in general... just not feeling like my heart and mind are in line with my actions.
Potential WA Alert! I even wondered if trying to make things work with H wasn't part of my disatisfaction. Maybe it is one of those "never should have been" relationships and that it's dragging me down. Obviously with spineless, blaming, bitter kind of thinking I needed to slap myself back into reality, which is that "this is my life and H is a part of it, Amen."
My other theory is that I'm just getting a jump on my midlife crisis, because my other line of thinking is that "I have worked, suffered and put up with enough garbage that I deserve to feel good about myself and not give a rip about what anyone else things." H said he may be having a midlife crisis too, so I suggested we save ourselves a lot of nuttiness and have one together.
I wrote out a little goals and objectives page yesterday. Y'all know me, I can't sit around griping about my life forever, while doing nothing. Last night, I even surprised myself and volunteered to be the organizer for my Italian conversation group. The more I think about what we could do the more excited I am about this. Plus, I know I'm great at this sort of thing. Whoo hoo!
So there's all my news. Have a good day everyone! --z
Today has gone from bad to worse. I've pretty much had it with this pointless pursuit of something that is neither getting me anywhere, nor is it appreciated. It's been my turn to "carry the load" for nearly two years, and I'm not just a little sick of it. I can't say that H hasn't done anything in those two years, but it's not feeling like enough to me. Of course, we pretty much had it out; and he's still sitting in his self-righteous little world asking "Who me?" Grrrr...
Today, he said we'd talk about it some more, and then he called just an hour ago to tell me he'd decided not to come over tonight. Chicken!
Setting aside the fact that he's really only avoiding me and prolonging my misery (I am miserable), I told him that I didn't appreciate him just changing his plans at the last minute. He tried every argument he could think of to get out of that one, as though I had accused him of being evil. (He really does think I'm calling him evil; which isn't true of him or my feelings about him, which makes me evil for saying anything at all. Nobody wins in H's world.) Finally he concluded that it's my fault he can't come over, because he had only put off his own plans to do something for me because I was annoyed he hadn't done it already. Funny, he didn't ask my opinion before he ASS-umed I'd rather spend the evening alone. AND He also told me that I should have ASS-umed he wasn't coming over tonight because I knew what he was doing this afternoon. I'd never be able to get away with saying that kind of baloney to him.
I've grown very tired of the whole "you imagined it" argument, which is just another way for him to avoid his share in this mess. When do I get to have a bad day or say the absolutely wrong thing or be unhappy with the state of things and have HIM be understanding, forgiving and kind about it? Aaaah!
How could I forget to mention that when I explained to H that I might have made different plans for the evening if I had known he weren't coming, he asked, "What plans? What would you do?" It's a no win kind of question, because I either have am too dependent on him for my plans or I he is an inconvenience to me. The truth is that I prefer to spend my evenings with H when I can, and when I can't I make other plans. Rarely, I make plans with other people or to work late. Most times I plan to tackle projects on the house, which usually means I need to make sure I have all of the tools/supplies ready to start.
Probably the biggest annoyance, though, is that except for weekends, I only eat one meal per day... When H is around, I prefer to eat dinner with him, even though I'm starving by the time we eat. When H is not around I have lunch, which keeps me from being hungry in the evening and saves me from having to interupt my projects to cook. When H called me after lunch it meant that I didn't have time to put together an impromptu project nor could I get lunch. I can hear him now accusing himself of being the incovenience that leads me to eat when I don't want to et cetera. Yeah, I should divorce him over his crazy habit of eating dinner. Ha!
Well, he just called and wants to come over now. Maybe more craziness later. --z
The aforementioned discussion that should have taken place last week was neatly set aside by my H. It was a brief circular discussion that ended with my H turning on the television.
He's putting off his last two exams again; and I'm not very pleased. I act as if it's okay with me, but essentially it's just delaying the moment of truth for both of us. I know that he won't seriously consider coming home until he has completed his certifications and gotten a job. If he continues to put it off after that then I'll know I am just wasting time waiting on something that will never happen.
We're already starting to slip back into old patterns. Last night I made a fruitless attempt at a conversation with him. It's pretty pointless because he and I simply don't agree on how two people should discuss anything. To put it simply we're both pretty bull headed with our opinions only I think arguing is part of the fun and he would rather eat broken glass. Personally, I like to win my arguments by merit, not because someone wanted to keep the peace. H simply doesn't think we should discuss anything we disagree about. Gee that leaves for a lot of dead air time.
I made one last attempt to continue the discussion, but he blew me off and turned on the television. I gave up and went to bed. Ah... silence... just like the good old days. H must have been contrite, because he came to bed in the mood to talk and took a lot more ribbing than usual.
I am not feeling contrite. I am not feeling generous or loving or patient either. Mainly I feel trapped. I know that if I pull the plug I will regret it for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I wonder how much longer I can put energy into a relationship that never seems to get any better. I guess, I'm burning out.
I've restarted yoga. I started a new Italian class. I'm trying to make some headway on expanding our Italian conversation group. Hopefully I will know sooner rather than later whether there is room in my life for my H or not.
I still check in on people from time to time here, though I can't say I have much to contribute anymore. There certainly isn't much point in posting to my own thread. I feel like I'm approaching the moment of truth. My divorce is busted or I am. Thanks for being there when you were. I'm sure I'll be around, but in the meantime take care of yourselves. --z
After being off the boards for a while, I'm sorry that you seem to be in a state of "limbo." For the longest time, I felt the same way. I mentioned this to KAW by e-mail but it is very easy for all of us to get caught up in the "victim" mentality permeating through soceity that we perceive our spouses generate - and that fed into the posts that I wrote. It took me the longest time to come to the realization that my spouse is no more of a "victim" than I am - and that I choose not to be a victim or to act like one.
Sometimes you truly need to "let go, let God" if a M is going to rebound and become stronger - and it appears that you have arrived at that point, Z. Take care of yourself and do the things that interest you. None of us here are really "trapped" - we make the conscious decision to be where we are. Outside influences can try to steer us in one direction or another but it is our choice whether to go down a particular path. Again, something that I understood but took me some time to finally "get."
It was great to meet you, MAL and the others last year.
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
