Struggling and need help

[~ kd ~]

If you appologize for something like that, it is because you feel that it was wrong.

Do you feel that reading her book was wrong?

I would submit that it is neither right, nor wrong. But if the REASONS you were reading it have you feeling guilty, you certainly could let her know that you were reading her book and realized that doing so might have come across as invasive, apologize, and then... let it go...

[CharlieBrown]

So KD, any suggestions on some responses? The therapist is convinced this is all an escape and due to marriage/MLC/depression issues. I love Milwaukee, but I agree with the therapist and have a hard time responding without sounding patronizing. She said yesterday maybe she should see a hypnotist and I said, "maybe, but let's see how our therapist works out, we both really like him." and thought that was pretty good.

CB

[~ kd ~]

As you work on validation, it will come more naturally to you. And really, it needs to be natural and fluid and not like you are reading some script on how to validate...

That said, with the hypnotist for example, from how you quote it above, it actually does not sound validating. It sounds more like you are asking her to do it your way, and even the maybe was a bit resistant.

Again, remember that what she is saying is how she feels RIGHT NOW. She may change her mind or simply not do it. So validating her is, "I understand you would like to see a hypnotist. I can appreciate how you really want to try to understand why you feel the way you do."

Not leading, not suggesting, leave it open ended to allow her to talk it out if she feels she needs to.

If you feel she is TELLING you that she is going to do it, just say that you understand and let it go. Either she will or she won't, but that is up to her to do something about it.

Hope that makes sense.

How might you validate her CURRENT feelings about Milwaukee?

[job]

Generally when a poster's thread has 100 postings, he/she is asked to begin a new one. Your thread filled up quickly!

[CharlieBrown]

"I understand how great it sounds to move to Milwaukee. I know how many things that Milwaukee offered that are not offered here." How is that KD?

[~ kd ~]

Definitely better, IMHO.

Here's the thing, if you will. Human nature as it is, if she feels resistance, she'll push harder. The moment you let her think that she CAN have Milwaukee... She may actually start wondering if it really is such a good idea. And of course, her fantasy will no longer be such and she'd actually have to do the hard work to even begin such a move.

Keep your validations in the realms that you posted above and you will be well on your way to making it a habit and that is good for you.

[reachingHigher]

Hi CB!

I wanted to share my experience about the pressure to move also.

Last June my H said he was never coming back (to me or M or home, etc.). The next week I clearly remember him in our kitchen asking me "how much do you think we could get for this place?". (we have a 20 acre homestead 45 minutes out of a big city)

Well, I discussed it practically with him. The market isn't good, difficulties of selling the unique place we have, impact on our two sons ... as well as ... advantages of having a smaller place to take care of, closer to the city and social functions, schools, etc.

It's the way we have always discussed things.

Well...as time went on, D papers were drawn up in a few months, and I was still living here with the boys. We decided to sell when I was ready (thinking of the impact on our boys mostly) and divide the proceeds.

Around Christmastime H decided to delay D, then decided to work on our R, and now is on planning on moving back home in June this year. No more talk of selling the place. He seems very happy here.

The advantages/disadvantages of selling and moving versus staying here still stand.

I really approached it without emotion (so I felt) and didn't validate his feelings or anything. Just pointed to the facts.

So...just wanted you to see how much someone can change their perspective in the course of a year.

I think all the ideas KD gave you are excellent. It's awkward to have to discuss something like moving, changing jobs, schools, etc. all on someone's feelings that may change.

She may just be exploring her options, and like KD said, may eventually start wondering if it's such s good idea.

Yesterday, I was listening to Bob Seger's "roll me away" and the girl goes with him for a while ... she says "I, too am lost" but then later:

"Somewhere along a high road
The air began to turn cold
She said she missed her home"

You can see how this can happen.

You're doing great, Charlie Brown.
Keep going!
rH

[CharlieBrown]

RH,

Thank you for your encouragement and for the verse from Bob Seger, I know it well.

Yesterday was a good night for us. During the day yesterday I picked up tickets for a play coming here May 18 that we already have a sitter for (2nd date night, yeah!) and I bought 2 season tickets for next season. I left the office at 5, as I have been doing lately. W made a good, healthly dinner and we went for a walk with the dog at about 8. During the walk I asked her when we were going to finish our exercise, that I had a couple more. She said just do it now, why do we have to sit down and be all formal about it? So I did one and told her I forgot the other one but had it written down at home. She was right, it worked fine doing it that way.

After kids went to bed, we sat on couch and she was texting and pulled up a website of a bar she is going to in Milwaukee Saturday night after dinner. Having her hand me her phone and walk out of the room was a positive, and this is a really cool English pub I have wanted to go to for a long time, so I told her how jealous I was and how much fun she will have.

After we went to bed, I sat up and told her I had my other apology item (btw, with no expectation of one from her). She got all fidgety about me "being too close in her space and making her feel claustrophobic" so I said ok and backed up. I was pretty taken aback and she could tell and she gave me her hand to hold while I talked to her. That led to a discussion about the five LL and how important it is for me to hear her express it and physical touch. I asked her how she felt love and she said that is a good question and was really pretty stumped. I told her about the book and might bring this discussion up to our therapist because it seemed to connect.

Told her my apology, but the discussion we had during and after was really the valuable part. She took credit for some of her issues as well, not a ton, but some. I used to surprise her a lot with flowers, cards left on her car seat, notes, picking up an outfit for her, etc. Sometime a few years ago I stopped, primarily because the best I ever got was a lame thanks, if anything, and she never did anything like that for me. Resentment built up and at some point, you stop. I told her how much I used to enjoy doing those things and asked her if those things were meaningful or not to her. She said they were, but also she wants to hear me say the words as well. I told her why I stopped, that it felt like a one-way street and she understood.

Anyway, just a good night of spending time together and talking, which is a whole lot more that I could have asked for a month ago!

CB