assume nothing! My best advice! My h said today there is nothing I can do to change the sitch. He said he saw my transitions, crying, begging, anger, fighting, silence, detachment, and he said just 40min ago nothing I do can/will change the path he is on.
He also said if he ends his path early, because of anything I do to force the sitc, he may return, but he will hate me! I said I wasn't asking for him back, those words never passed my lips, but he's not buying it, he's convinced I'm waiting and watching for the second coming.
My h is a text book spew monster trapped in the fog!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Tired, Yes! They can have him, he's not good enough for me! Amen
The craziest thing happens, he gets so tired now when we speak, like pass out tired. He said its because I make him think about me, about how he is hurting me and when he considers my feelings it exhausts him because he sees how wrong he is and his mind flutters with decisions?
Really? What is that? Always something new!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Dawn, Your h is being very honest w/you. He gets tired because he knows that he's hurting you and he knows how wrong he is...that is the guilt talking. Carrying around a boat load of guilt all of the time will make you tired and weary.
BTW, his comments about ending his crisis early and resenting you, etc., is very spot on and it's what we talk about here all of the time about rushing them and then having them circle back and jump start the crisis the second time around and it being worse than before.
Dawn, I know you are frustrated and fed up, but your h is being very truthful w/you. He can't help you or do what you want because he can't help himself. It's difficult when the mlcer lives at home because they are in your face all of the time and yes, eventually the love you had for them either dies or it's put in storage. The lbs becomes resentful and angry w/the mlcer because they are not the people that they once were. Try to accept him for who he is today, not how he use to be. Right now, think of him as having a terminal illness and needs time and space to heal.
Dawn, are you doing things for yourself? Are you planning activities that will get you out of the house and a few hours of pleasure? You need to shift your focus back on to you and your family and the grand baby that is on the way. Leave your h on his toad stool and go on w/your life. Yes, it's difficult, but I know you can do it!
Take care of yourself. Do something nice for yourself today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
you seem extra frustrated lately. You of course have every reason in the book TO BE frustrated, but it seems to be getting at you more than usual lately.
I also haven't seen too much mention of what you are working on for yourself in your recent posts... is there a project in the works? (Maybe your blue room needs some polka dots )
I could be way off, but I see you getting dangerously close to the "whirlpool of despair" and wouldn't want you to get sucked under.
Take care of yourself
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
five wives - what a sad sad thing. i can't imagine. my parents seemed happy & okay. my dad died too young- my mom didn't remarry. i may live in an episode of litltle house o the prairie in my head.
BUT - if you have to aspire to something in life- and we all do- why not that? happiness, commitment, complacncy isn't so bad is it? sameness can be very very satisfying & comforting, etc.
excitement non stop- alot like cake for every meal. i do love cake- might get tiresome- who knows?
i don't get men- i don't get H and maybe you're rite- it will be one after the other. same deal- i asked it rite first time found out anyting and had inkling-
"you feel like it's all worth it- trading in me and our life for what you've got" - he said no. he didn't stop- he's still got her floating aroud out there- he is a stupid stupid man on that count.
now- if i could figure out what the real man is (or is like)?
he is not the guy he showed to me and i loved - don't know if that guy exists anymore or existed back then.
oh well- tired and now i want cake- sad but true.
hang in there. you can be a super hero with dawn and me when this is ALLLLL OVER AND JUST A BAD BAD MEMORY - THE MLc junk
we'll have soooo much patience and wisdom and stamina and be sooooo philosophical and "enriched" (dare i hope any good comes from all this pain & injustice?)
can't think of what our super hero name could be tho?
Nero...I could write a book about my H disfunctional family and no one would believe it to be true. They are probably the most disfunctional bunch of people I have ever met. My father also died very young and my mom did remarry but he also passed away. But, my memories for my family are good and strong. My dad was respectful of my mother and he loved her.
His dad does have five wives but he has been with the last one since we've been together and does seem to have a good relationship with her. Unfortunately all the damage is done from the earlier years when he was jumping around with wives and families. I do believe he was also in a mlc based on stuff his dad told me when I first met him. He had a lot of regrets and said he was in a dark place for a really long time. Now he is happy with this wife and in a good place. I think he was going through a MLC just like my own H. They were about the same age also.
As Snodderly says, it is their journey. Its had not to get sucked into it but we have to let them take it alone. That is what I continuously remind myself. Don't get sucked into his craziness.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Dawn...one more thing...at least your H does tell you something. He talks to you.. My H pretends like I'm crazy, nothing wrong, nothing going on. Yet he runs around all night, sleeps on the couch, ignores his kids and spends like we are the Rockefellers. I think the ignoring thing is what drives me crazy. I'm like, do you remember the man you were a few years ago? Where is that person? The one that was involved and enjoyed his family? Went to soccer games and did more than a day at Chuck E Cheese with his kids. I keep telling my H he has the weekend dad thing down pat. He buys the kids presents in guilt and he takes them to Chuck E Cheese on the weekends when he is with them. Last night he bought them a tent and they pitched it in my living room. He will never take them camping so I'm not sure what that was about or why he wasted the money.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
me too- got a non-talker. i absolutely hate the ignoring & indifference. it's cruel. (even if it is therir defense mechanism) it is a shame. and where is that old guy- i know i didn't imagine him for allllll those years???
I said I wasn't asking for him back, those words never passed my lips, but he's not buying it, he's convinced I'm waiting and watching for the second coming.
funny that - my h said yesterday (something like) i shouldn't assume his affair will "blow over" or work it's way out- i never said that. i never have given him any word or indication i'm "waiting on him". my spiel has been my own inability to pick up my buttons and go. no pressure here.
he sure thinks he Knows me better than i know myself. oh man- ego central. so- your h too. interesting he used such words & lingo. has your h read any db stuff? or is it all intuitive? ya think
Omg...just had argument w my h. He shouted something to the effect and u wonder why i want stand u. Im like...u can't stand me so why don't u just go? U can't stand me??? Well...in case u didn't notice i feel the same. His response??? No u don't feel that way..that is why u always cry. I said i haven't cried in a long time. He says u were just crying the other day. This is not true. I told him not to flatter himself. I told him Im shedding no more tears n he is free to leave. I guess that is why u don't cry ever in front of them. Even though i haven't in a while now it seems like he is using that as rationale to stay longer.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
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