Well, standoff is over! Here is an email from her:
"Well, I talked to a lawyer here who can medeate for us. The many things we need to still decide are childsuport and debt, I was thinking, if it is good to you, instead of touching houses we say we both own half. ? And instead of touching retierment, you take on that much more of the debt. I have no desire to take money for myself, only want to be fair to the kids and for you to relize that I gave a lot to you so you could make the money you do know and have made the last 13 years. So, child supo"
Yeah, cut off mid-word. I don't know what else she meant to say. HELP?!?
So this is an abrupt end to a fairly long chapter. I had totally dropped the rope for several months. I often was worried that I was being hurtful or standoffish in my "giving her space." Part of it was I didn't feel capable of interacting calmly while she was actively involved w/OM.
Anyways, I'd love any feedback or advice. I'll try to post more often now that things are going to start happening.
If she continues to want to move forward with D, then let her continue to do that work. If you need to provide information or attend meetings, the do so only as required.
She texted me last night. We had eaten dinner "as a family" for the first time in a few months before I left town for a week.
"Can u text me? If not, when? Or if never about us, please say. I have questions. Do u hate me? U r good to me. Almost always. And feel like we r friends. How much of this is allusion? My life is hard. It [censored] and could might will get worse. I only want a clean break. I know u will excel without me. Yet I feel like the bad guy saying so. Why is this!?!?!? <an hour later> Also. I'm willing to stay with u. I am. But our marriage would be strictly friends. I can not open myself up to u sexually any more. I've moved on from think we work that way and I'm NOT EVER going back there. Way too much hurt. I love you Dan. I always will. We made three beautiful children together. And those little people mean the world to me. But I know I am not the right women for you. I do not feel beautiful, smart, respected or any other thing I NEED to feel with you. You need a women you feel these things for. Let me go. I'm not a project. I'm a grown women who needs more then fixing."
So, I didn't reply. Like I said, I'm going to be away for a week, and I don't know if that will be a nice buffer time to let the drama die down or another cauterized wound that makes reconciliation more unrealistic. I know that what she said about "willing to stay with u" is probably not to be taken at face value. I want to say to her, well let's do that. Let's get a new home and you can have your room and I'll have mine and we will try to at least build some stability for the kids and a relationship (not sexual/romantic, but with communication and respect) between us. But I don't think she was really opening the door to that, and I'm sure she would close it when I said my requirement to try that would be no contact w/OM. Instead, I'm trying to feel what she's feeling. I'm trying to listen, even if I don't know how to respond. I know she has felt ugly when she's caught me looking at porn, and I know that she has felt belittled and unloved, uncherished. I know that has torn her up. I'm trying to stomp down on the voice that says "but I tried to show her I loved her. She shouldn't feel that way." Anyways, I'm pretty lost. Help? Anybody?
I see a lot of positives dan! She sounds very conflicted, but still seems attached to you. And she wants your friendship and worries you hate her. You have a lot in this situation that can be built on. Validate what she's feeling and affirm your friendship and support!
Her comments about not being a project make me think you're a 'fix it' guy & have been trying to fix her for some time. Your efforts may have grown from love, but they made her feel unable to care for herself. That's where the space comes into play. She needs the strength to know she can do on her own and you can support her and grow in this transition. How would you do that? By GAL and being your best self. By showing her unconditional love and support. That doesn't mean you have to accept her friendship only marriage, but following DB rules you should agree with her that the M isn't working and your commitment to give her time and space to figure things out.
Be your true self, a great dad and the best you! If you're confident and your life is shining, it'll draw her in. But you want her to feel that she can stand on her own two feet and doesn't just have to come back to you and an unhappy marriage to get by.
"Can u text me? If not, when? Or if never about us, please say. I have questions. Do u hate me? U r good to me. Almost always. And feel like we r friends. How much of this is allusion? My life is hard. It [censored] and could might will get worse. I only want a clean break. I know u will excel without me. Yet I feel like the bad guy saying so. Why is this!?!?!?
She's really conflicted and confused. This is NOT the time to go silent on her. She is reaching out to you. She does NOT want you to fix her, but she DOES want you to validate her. You can do this in texts, but even better over the phone and best in person. But don't just go silent on her, this is the perfect time to support her!! Show her a different you, someone who really cares, wants to listen and is sensitive to her feelings! So for example, to the above you might respond with "Sure, I am here for you, if you have questions then feel free to ask. I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this, I understand why it's difficult for you. I would be happy to talk to you about it but would rather talk in person than over text. Maybe we can get together for a discussion when I get home."
The idea with validation is not to fix/ explain/ agree/ disagree/ argue/ justify. It is merely to get her to talk about her emotions and let her know that you value her emotions and consider them important. So as another example:
Quote:
I can not open myself up to u sexually any more. I've moved on from think we work that way and I'm NOT EVER going back there. Way too much hurt.
A good validation would be "I hear you saying that you are hurt, I can tell that it hurts you, I understand why and am sorry you're in so much pain. I don't want you to be hurt like that again."
Quote:
So, I didn't reply.
I think you need to, even if it's just to say you'll talk about it when you get back. Going dark is about not INITIATING contact, it's not about ignoring your spouse when they initiate contact.
One thing my db coach said to do, if I didn't know how to reply and needed more time, is to ask 'can i get back to you on that?'. There's hostility in ignoring & you don't want her to think you're hostile. Acknowledge and validate.
Here's what I texted back: Would you rather plan a time this week to talk or wait until next week when I'll be back in town? I hear that you are hurting and I know I'm hurting, but I'm sure we can both learn how to work together for our kids
