After phone coaching session #2

[labug]

And I wish that MC or I had thought to ask (I may ask next time) H admitted to self-medicating and OW and the really general BAD place he was last summer & since - and THAT'S the mental state that he makes life changing decisions for our entire family in? And after all this time, he's sticking with those decisions?

Drinking is usually a symptom, a way to deal with anxiety, pain, unhappiness. What did you mean when you said above that you wished you or MC had asked?

Most of us make decisions based in emotion, until we learn a better way. While our S's decisions are huge and seem out of proportion, I think they feel that they lived years of water torture with us providing the constant drip, drip, drip of control, anger and hyper-emotion. Somehow they had to make it stop.

Seeing his choice as they only one he had available at the time is helpful, I think. He didn't have the tools you have now and he may gain some of those through counseling. He may learn the he has other choices. He may find demons from the past that have nothing to do with you.

But it's his journey, we can't predict where it will lead him.

I read this great quote yesterday (yes, it was on Fb!). I like being reminded daily of what my work is, what my journey is. It said the quote was from WD (shoutout to Tori)

Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.


This speaks to me because I spent far too many years trying to make my life and therefore the lives of my family, what I thought it should be. It wasn't an evil plan, it wasn't even that I really thought about it at all. I was driven by fear and made decisions based on that emotion. Those decisions were life-changing in an incremental way but were nonetheless must as damaging as the BD seems to be to us.

On another note, did you ever go to AlAnon?

[GALbaby]

Hey Reb..i loved your post because it was full of hope. I'm so happy that you kept it together in the MC session and it seems you really benefitted from it, given your reservations. I loved that you were able to say what you wanted from the R but can also accept that your H is not in the same place at present. You are really transitioning, isn't it liberating?

[reb9597]

Really galbaby? Because I've felt so pessimistic after MC appt! I think it was a big dose of reality. When you're in limbo for so long, it's easy to get expectations or have big dreams but the appt was a firm pull back down to reality and facing some truths about our past R and the obstacles facing a future R.

I appreciate you saying that's where he is at present, that's the only thing I keep thinking in my head. And I try to remember that I didn't think I wanted my M for a few months after he left. It wasn't until I started learning and reading that I figured out there were a lot of mistakes and things that could have been done differently. Like labug said, I need to try to remember that H hasn't had the benefit of learning and he's just beginning the process. What he does with the knowledge once it's acquired will be his choice.

labug, your words really helped me this morning recognizing that drinking is a symptom to his unhappiness. Just like my anger was a symptom to my unhappiness. I've been digesting this appt all week and should have posted about it earlier because I felt like I was losing hope. Very cautious now. But that's probably not a bad thing.

After MC appt, I did go to an Al-Anon meeting last week too. I think, in going to the meeting, I was reacting to my fear and lack of understanding about alcoholism. I need some time and to remind myself to not jump to conclusions. I don't have a history with alcohol abuse in my family and my thinking is pretty black/white. Only because I'm unfamiliar with it. I'll go to Al-Anon again because the premise I got out of it was it was for anyone affected by the negative effects of alcohol and I think my family would still fall into that category.

'accepting life as it is' I'm going to work hard at adapting this thinking. My expectations for my life haven't got me where I thought they would anyways. But the peace and understanding I've learned will prove priceless I'm sure.

[reb9597]

I know we're not supposed to pursue. Nearly all contact is initiated from H. But we seem to be in this pattern of regular contact, then none for a few days. I think this is part of the hot/cold dynamic and also probably extra confused feelings from MC last week. But I wonder if it'd do any good to initiate more contact from myself? Or just continue on this path of replying only?

[reb9597]

Most times it doesn't matter, but when he drops kids off & doesn't walk them up to the door or say hello/goodbye to me I wonder if I should say something. But it almost feels like a tit-for-tat because I was gone when he picked up kids. Hmmm who knows.

[T1000]

I wonder the same thing. It just takes one reach out from me for it to either feel like she is pulling away or she does actually pull away and it feels like it's a step backwards.
Your damned if you do and damned if you don't. Right now I have set a contact of once per week to ask how the kids are. If she is responsive I try and create a chat out of it. If she isn't I bail.

Over the last 5 days or so I have been quite short with her when she contacted me. She even mentioned it. Because she has mentioned it I'm going to be a bit warmer and see how that plays out.

[azguy]

Wow, reb, this sounds like a lot of new info all at once. You must be on a rollercoaster of emotion. I am impressed with how you handled yourself at the MC. It took a lot of courage to say you wanted to continue after hearing your H's goals. I remember reacting very badly when hearing my W only wanted to go to counseling to discuss our S. What I failed to realize then, was that was an essential starting point if we were to ever repair our R.

I want to beat you up on one point:
"And I wish that MC or I had thought to ask (I may ask next time) H admitted to self-medicating and OW and the really general BAD place he was last summer & since - and THAT'S the mental state that he makes life changing decisions for our entire family in? And after all this time, he's sticking with those decisions?"

Maybe your MC will want to address this. Should you? How would you even bring it up without sounding like you are lecturing him for being impulsive and short sighted? Do you want to come across like you're telling him he's wrong? How do you imagine him reacting to this approach?

On the other hand, I like how you can imagine that there is a better person inside your H than you see right now. I suppose he must be on a similar rollercoaster of emotion. I wish you (more) bravery and patience.

[reb9597]

T1000, sounds like a good idea to be warmer when speaking w/ W. I go for the humor approach. H & I always enjoyed laughing together, share a similar sense of humor. The more inappropriate the better... so I try to make him laugh. It actually makes me feel like when we were younger and I enjoyed making him laugh. Hadn't happened for a long time. I ended up testing the waters by texting H a funny last night. Got a haha back so I'll leave it at that for now.

Maybe your MC will want to address this. Should you? How would you even bring it up without sounding like you are lecturing him for being impulsive and short sighted? Do you want to come across like you're telling him he's wrong? How do you imagine him reacting to this approach?

labug questioned my comments here & I forgot to address it... the take-away from MC appt (on my end) was that H was under the influence (admitted a lot of deep sh!t I didn't know about, hiding alcohol & continuing to take rx after surgery when he didn't need anymore, right before he left). And in THIS altered state of mind he decides to leave family. His leaving was so out of character, maybe the altered state is the only excuse that makes sense. But it's the supporting this decision for all this time that I can't comprehend. That's what I want to point out. Dude was not making good decisions with his health or way of living. And in the midst of making these really poor decisions, he decides to abandon his family. All of that can be understood, but what's with the still not wanting to work on M and H's statement that 'he made a decision when he left'? They don't let people in his confessed condition make legal decisions in a court of law, but H's standing by his 'I made a decision' statement??

If given the opportunity, like if MC asks 'what did you think about last visit, any questions?' I thought that may be the time to point out the obvious. Maybe not. I've been chewing on this all week and appreciate labug's perspective that he may not have seen any other way. I want to understand that. I've learned that it's generally best to do the opposite of what I feel I have to do, so I'll probably sit on this for awhile and hope MC makes the point instead of me.

azguy, I can only imagine the true H is underneath this reactionary man that I see now. The H from the past 20 years would've kicked this H's ass. In MC, when the affair did come out, H looked at me and said 'i'm so sorry you have to go through this'. That's the man I'm fighting for. Thank you for your support! I didn't storm out of the session (like the last time)! Very proud of that at least.

[labug]

See how far you've come in such a short time! It's a step and it proves you can be responsive instead of reactionary. You can continue to build on this by remembering your successes.

Keep going to meetings. You will find support in accepting that his decisions are his decisions, his problems are his problems.

[GALbaby]

Hey Reb..your post sounded full of hope to me because as Labug has said above..."See how far you've come in such a short time! It's a step and it proves you can be responsive instead of reactionary. You can continue to build on this by remembering your successes."