Hey, Berto! Good to hear from you. I've been checking in on you from time to time, but you seem to be laying low.
Last night H and I ended up having a talk about children. He was bent on encouraging me to leave him and find a man who wants children. He missed the part where I chose him over children. Yeah, I wish I could have both but since he believes "that you never have any fun again" after you have children it looks like I have to make a choice. He thinks it's an unreasonable sacrifice on my part. I'd be a lot better off if he would stop assessing himself as a burden to me.
He tells me that I should find someone else, not because I'm disposable, but because he thinks he is. He does not understand that when he calls himself a loser, he's talking about the man I love. Frankly, I don't appreciate it. Woe to him on the day I decide to believe him.
I talked to our C briefly today to let her know we were stopping therapy. I told her that she had a couple of stubborn-heads, who apparently needed more time to grasp the concepts we'd been given already. She said she enjoyed having us in therapy...huh... she must have been in a different place than me, because I didn't think she appreciated us one bit. Two argumentative people on one couch meant that one of us disagreed with her at least once in every session.
H does not believe he's argumentative, but he may just say that to disagree with me -- hee, hee. I keep telling him that he couldn't stand some woman who always deferred to him. AND I think he should be enheartened by the fact that when we do reach a conclusion together it is clearly a well-considered decision. AND I think he should be flattered at how often a woman as intelligent as I am is in agreement with him. He is dubious about my entire argument... preferring to dream of what it would be like to be married to some facile nitwit.
Here's a wierd one. H and I had a political argument last night. Not one of those respectful, "I think that..." arguments. In short, he said something crass, I called him a hypocrite, and we clarified our points at the tops of our lungs. It ended as abruptly as it started, and from my perspective I felt understood and I know I understood him. Looking back I think it should have ended a bit more definatively, but my guess is that H thinks it shouldn't have happened at all... ever.
The interesting part of the argument that ended in less than a minute and will probably be thrown in my face next week is that when H walked out of the room I noticed the dogs cowering in their beds. I yelled into the other room. "H get in here! Your dogs think we're going to kill each other!" H walked back into the kitchen to soothe the dogs. I gave H a kiss, which he returned without hesitation. Yup, it will be very interesting when he inevitably uses this of an example of how miserable together we are.
This is a good one. I'm pretty good about apologizing when I act like a jerk. H is pretty good at getting a rise out of me when he acts like a jerk and then offering no apology.
Today, he called me at work angry about something that my housepainter had done. He was chewing me out about what the painter had done and all of the problems it was going to cause (nothing worth yelling about IMO). Instead of getting defensive, I just thought, "This is really bizarre that I'm getting yelled at when he's mad at someone else." So I sat there silently listening to my husband carry on at the top of his voice for almost a solid minute. He started to wind down a little and I still said nothing. Finally he said, "Okay, that's all I have to say. Will you call him and take care of this?" I said, "Yes, I will." Then we ended the call.
He called back an hour later and apologized for yelling at me. I told him that I knew he would eventually realize what he had done and that I appreciated him apologizing. We talked a little about how our days were going and then ended the call. So far so good.
H has been the king of cranky lately. The painter is bringing out the worst out in my H. The painter is someone I know very well, but he's pretty flakey. He has done some things that have annoyed me, all of which is stuff any contractor should know better than to do, but none of it qualifies as destructive. H hits the roof every day over it. He rants and raves, while I set things back in their proper order. I anticipated some bumps in the road, and I don't see the point in getting too wound up about every little thing.
H yells at me, as though I am the one doing these things and just to spite him. He caught himself the other day, when he apologized, but now H has taken the stance I simply don't care how it effects him. I do care that he had to pick glass out of our trash... once. I have made notes about our observations and calmly explained to the painter how to shut off the hose, why it's a bad idea to throw things in our trash cans, etc. Still there is no pleasing my husband who has completely overlooked the fact that the house looks great; and the painter only has a few details to finish up. This morning H called me to ask if I had in fact told the painter not to use our trash cans. When I said that I had, H told me that the painter had now left a single paint can lid in our trash... obviously out of spite. He demanded that I tell the painter "again" not to use the trash cans.
Yesterday, H was carrying on about how the painter didn't caulk the windows, and wouldn't do it right when he did and how it was all going to be ruination and misery if I didn't call to insist that it be done H's way. Personally, I thought the windows were fine, and just needed a bead of caulk around them, but H thought differently. So I said, "Obviously you need to call him and tell him how you want it done, because apparently I don't understand how you want it done." So H said, "No, I'm not talking to him. YOU did this. I haven't liked the way this was run from the very beginning. It's YOUR problem. It's going to be YOUR fault when this has to be fixed." I said, "Fine, then I'm not going to call him, because I don't see the problem and I don't think anything will need to be fixed."
Then, I came back from lunch today to find a message on my voicemail from H. "I'm at the house and the painter isn't here. You need to find out what's going on." Shows how much H knows, because I'd already talked to the painter and received a perfectly lame excuse as to why he wasn't coming today or probably anytime soon. Wait until H finds out...
I really don't understand how H thinks it's okay to play this both ways. He keeps a seperate residence and doesn't help pay the mortgage, but he constantly discourages me from fixing up the house in which I live. When I did move forward with fixing it up, he offered to help me out with money a couple of times, but I didn't need it. Now he's riding me to have it done differently than I am inclined to have it done, all the while reminding me that it's MY house and MY problem. If that's really the case then why is HE so mad? He wouldn't admit it, but I think he's just mad that he's not in the loop. There may even be a touch of insecurity because it is MY house, all MY house, without a bit of financial contribution from him. There I go acting independently again... probably just to spite him. Geez, I wish he'd figure out how to be happy with himself.
On that point, he's grown cranky and sullen again over the last week, which says to me that he's miserable. He's also been increasing the number of "projects" he needs to complete for me, which doesn't do him any good either. I'm beginning to think that the best cure is to cut him loose. I think he needs to go be by himself for a while, work on HIS life for a while, without the constant distraction of needing to come see me every night. Hopefully he'll use the time constructively to get himself to the point where he can be comfortable in my company. So the million dollar question is, "How do I tell him that we need to cool it for a while without him thinking he's being thrown out again?" (He still insists that I threw him out of the house. Whatever!)
Good afternoon, all. Yesterday I sat down to post about how I had decided to stop putting off the decision to label H as MLC, and start treating the situation as such. After getting myself completely down in the dumps thinking H was on a bad cycle that fed the problem and offered no solutions, I decided not to think about it so hard. H seems to replay all of our R problems and all of his problems. Occassionally he talks about solutions, but he never takes action. He switches between blaming the world (they need to do somehting) and depressed self-flagellation (he is powerless to do anything). Needless to say, progress on problems of all varieties has ground to a halt. Often, he sounds like someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too; and I've been tempted to give him a good scolding. Such was the situation yesterday...
Then last night, H casually asked, "If I were to move back in here, where would I put my stuff." This is different from his typical declaration that he can't move back because there is no room. I said, "Well, I have a plan. Do you want to see?" I thought the answer would be a dead "no," but he said, "Yes." Naturally he didn't like my plan at all, but we talked about some options, as though it were really going to happen.
Then we had the discussion over whether or not it's the right thing. I have no reservations about it, but H does. When clarified his reservations sounded something like this, "I just know that I was completely committed to this relationship before, but then things didn't go the way that I thought they were going. Some things happened and we didn't deal with them. We don't communicate and it just got to the point where we weren't dealing with things and now those things are still there." If anyone could possibly translate this, I'd love the help. H couldn't explain any better than that. I did ask. I've got a couple of guesses as to what he's talking about, but guessing doesn't really do me any good.
He kept going back to how awful things were before, so I asked him if things were that way now. He said that things are different now and that he can tell that I am making changes. He paused, so I added, "... but things aren't what you think they ought to be either?" I got a qualified answer that amounted to "yes." He also mentioned "again" that he's afraid I'll throw him out "again"... gee how many times do we have to disagree about this one? He left, but just can't admit it. There's no point in discussing it.
There wasn't any conclusion to the issue of whether or not he would move home. I just know he's thinking about it and it's possible to do. This would certainly be a constructive solution to one of his problems (that is not our relationship, but a different problem). In the end, I told him that I couldn't make the decision for him. He did say that he trusts me and he is pretty sure he loves me. How sweet is that?
Hacker, thanks for stopping by. I AM light years ahead of where I was in the beginning, which isn't hard considering I was unemployed, depressed and on the edge of a divorce. That wasn't a very merry Christmas, but it did help having everyone here to share it with. Thanks! (((Everyone))) You know, I just realized that I've been on here as long as some of the people who used to make me wonder how they could do this for as long as they had. Go figure.
I haven't seen H much this week. He's been working on a job application and starting his certification studies. Even though it's costing me time with him, I'm glad that he's getting his actions in line with his expectations.
For my part, I am trying not to get my hopes up and remaining as patient as possible with his absence. He misses me and I miss him. The other day, we were actually passionate... a new word for us. That's all good.
Last weekend, H and I made a day of going to the airshow, which turned out absolutely fabulous. I handled comfort and food issues. He handled logistics, photography, and acting as my personal emcee. Between my huge picnic spread and his knowledge of aircraft, we had a great time. We were too exhausted to do much for the rest of the weekend, but we had a good time nonetheless.
His birthday was this week. As usual, he forbid me to get him anything. I usually ignore this, but this year we've both got financial constraints... so even if I wanted to break my no-credit policy, he'd feel obligated to break his. Instead, I decided to give him something memorable. We had plans for a dinner out, so I gave him a "spy date." Long story. The short version was that he was a great sport, and I could tell that he was really touched that I would go to all that effort.
Sometimes I actually think my H is impressed by me, though I think it helps that he's a bit happier with himself recently. I hope everyone has a good week. Take care. --z
z, thanks for stopping by the thread. This week will certainly rank up there with some of the more interesting weeks I've had during my sitch.
You sound great! Looks like things are progressing at a good pace and that both of you are working at it. Keep supporting him when he needs a pick-me-up. Your H has every reason to be impressed with you. He's seeing the same person we do!
Howdy, all! The last few weeks have been pretty good. Okay, H and I have had a few bouts with one or the other of us being Cranklestiltskins, but mostly it's been good. I was on a stinkin' thinkin' roll early last week, but life has a way of quashing my worst fears and covetted resentments.
I remind myself of the scene in Under the Tuscan Sun when the Italian man says something terribly romantic and the heroine crassly says, "That's sounds like something an Italian man would say." He responds, "That is just the kind of thing I think an American woman would say." Maybe not all American women, but I've always been pretty difficult to sweep off of my feet. On a related note, I've always wanted to be surprised, but no one ever surprises me. I always figure out surprises or weasel information out of people, but last week I realized that H always thwarts my sabotage. He is the one person who really can and does surprise me.
For my birthday last week, he did all the normal stuff, and took me to dinner. We were meeting up with friends after dinner; and I figured they'd probably have a cake for me or some kind of dessert. H went through this elaborate ruse about considering dessert at the restaurant, until I said "Oh there will probably be something at L's." He said innocently, "Yeah, they'll probably have something around." Turns out he went and ordered a special cake from my favorite confisserie. I was completely stunned.
The card he gave me was great too. "Ti amo sempre," he wrote. (I love you always.) I almost cry when I think about it.
H has been very busy with his exams. We took a day off to lie around on the couch last weekend. Then he hit the books again. I take advantage of the time off to tackle projects he would die if he knew I were doing. Last weekend I finally finished replacing the basement window well. H was impressed... as he should have been. I think it's good for us. I'm exerting my independence, which he doesn't seem to mind as much as he used to. It keeps another task off of his seemingly endless list of things he's certain he has to do for me.
He passed his last certification exam today. Hurray! I'm very proud of him. Now he's got a whole alphabet of initials to go behind his name.
The dogs are doing good. In fact little dog, got his first possum of the year last night. It was a baby, so hardly a fair fight, but I'm sure the bigger ones will be wandering through the yard again soon. Y'all take care. Keep smiling. --z
Z, the bouts are part of a normal marriage. As someone pointed out to me, marriage is not supposed to be a package you sign up for at the beginning and everything falls into place. Instead, it is experiental and reveals new things to you every day. Those occcasional bouts let both of you learn more about yourselves and the other. This is good as long as you practice humility and true discussion, rather than self-righteousness! Judging from your recents posts, it sounds like both of you are doing exactly that!
I think you are developing a wonderful marriage! Kudos to the both of you!
Looks like things are going well there hun. Glad to see things are moving along much smoother. Hacker was right, M is life and little things will come up.
Do you think that H now feels a little better with all the certificates he has? It is one hell of a shot of self esteem, why shouldn't he feel good, he deserves it.
I know that we haven't spoken in a long time but I do wish you, the H and your dogs the best. Keep doing what you are doing because it seems to work.
Has anyone else figured out that your feet are cute in that pic?
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
