Good morning all! Things seem to go so well between us and then he springs one of these traps -- either I'm horrid or too good for him. Since I know I'm not crazy or deluded about things going well, I can only believe that on some level he's trying to keep things in a state of flux, which is very much in character for my freedom loving, keep-your-options-open husband. I've been thinking about the positive things that have been going on. 1) H agreed to do some exercises from one of my books on sexual relationships. It's slow going; and I have to prod him along, but he's at least making a half-@ssed effort. I suspect that he's only doing it so that he can say that he did it, but I'll take what I can get.
2) We are relaxing a bit about the sex issue. Just a bit, but it's still better.
3) H talks more about our future together as if it is a matter of time and inevitability. I'm still not certain what those "perfect circumstances" are that will bring us back together. My favorite theory is that it is going to happen when he gets a job and starts feeling like he can "take care of me."
4) So long as I continue to talk about us seperated, he continues to talk about us as partners. He is very intent that I take care of myself first; he clearly wants to be of more use to me than I am to him; and he clearly feels overwhelmed when he does too much. As much as it frustrates him, I really have to toe the line on balancing what I will and will not allow him to do for me, because our R suffers a setback everytime he thinks he's in too deep.
5) We are starting to work on making new friends that are "ours." We've each been accepted by each other's friends, but for reasons of geography or common interest, we really don't have anyone that we hang out with. It's not that we don't know some great people, it's just that our lives are so different. We talked it over and decided that we've been too lazy about developing friendships with people we could really spend time with. I think it's important to have other relationships to keep things from getting stale, so we're trying to meet more people through a couple of local clubs to which we belong. I have recognized that H likes for me to do a lot of the social planning and logistical communications; i.e. make the phone calls. I am seeing recently that he is really taking an interest in other people and extending invitations. This is all good.
6) I don't know if this is good or bad, but I've been putting a little pressure on about H getting a job -- no ordering, just holding him to his word. He's been procrastinating on this for nine months at least, five years at most. Now he says he has no choice but he still isn't doing it. I've always taken the attitude that he should do what he wants, but my new attitude is that he should do what he says. He tries to give me this garbage about what a loser he is for not being employed. Besides being ridiculous, I think it's a diversionary tactic... it doesn't work anymore. He knows what he has to do and he knows that he can; he just needs to do it. IMO he'll gain a lot more in security than he thinks he'll lose in freedom.
7) While I've been casting about for what I'm going to do with my life, I'm feeling a bit more confident about things. We'll see how it holds up. Because of the big budget cuts there is a chance that I'll get laid off this year... yuck... a big ego deflation. I've been trying to decide what steps (if any) I should take right now in case that happens. I know I'd rather move to a different job under my own steam, but I don't want to leave here unnecessarily, but a change might do me good. Something of a dilemna... and most of my dilemnas work out pretty well in the end.
Hope everyone is well and having a good day. Take care of yourselves. --z
