Thanks Positive, needed that today  It looks like there is a 90 day waiting period here or that can be waived if we both agree and then we can be divorced, so time is definitely not on my side. I work, but H makes significantly more than me. H moved out of our house that we own, currently he is paying all of the household bills. I just left it as, if you need me to pay something, send me a bill and we can discuss, that’s it. No contact since 4/16. Last time we spoke last week I just said, well if this is what you want, ok, I don’t agree but I can’t change your mind and acted as if I was great and let him know me and the dogs are great and I’m handling things. He said let me know if you need anything at all, told him I can take care of things. My thing is, well he walked out, I don’t need his help to handle issues or day to day needs.
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
Time never seems to be an ally of the divorcing. Sometime, to me, it feels that the longer this goes on, the further it slips away. It does come with a certain kind of peace, though. Not a really satisfying kind that one would like but it is better than the angst.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
I've certainly experienced that in the short 5 days after I've been served. I've detached. I know it sounds bitter, but it's his loss and I am worthy of being loved and I don't need him to make me happy. It's up to me. Sure I want to be with him, but if he wants the D, I certainly won't stand in his way.
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
I know it sounds bitter, but it's his loss and I am worthy of being loved and I don't need him to make me happy.
That's pretty much been your attitude from your very first post:
"Hope you had a good Easter. I’m done being in limbo, need to move on."
"I’m done being a string along. I know it’s only been 12 days but I’m his wife, not some girl he picked up at a bar"
"He’s a coward and is bailing, and I’m sick of being the string along."
"I’ve been dark since Sunday night. No contact, nothing."
I don't think you ever really tried anything, you seemed convinced from the beginning that being cold and distant was the answer, but that's the way you were throughout the marriage:
"I've always been insecure/fearful of rejection and never being good enough, so it comes out in anger, pushing H away. That's been going on for years."
So it was just "more of the same" behavior. Sounds like you've written this marriage off, but I'll just warn you that it sounds like you're going to carry a lot of the same baggage into your next relationship. You've still got a lot of work to do, if not for this marriage than for your future.
Hi AS, I understand what you're saying. I haven't written it off, I guess my attempts at reconciliation were no good, so why not act as if and just move on if he wants a D? There's nothing I can do if we have no contact. I guess it's up to me to create a new life for myself and detach from this sitch since he wants a D. I've been told not to contest or request conciliation since that is against his wishes and would be considered persuing.
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
"Hope you had a good Easter. I’m done being in limbo, need to move on."
"I’m done being a string along. I know it’s only been 12 days but I’m his wife, not some girl he picked up at a bar"
"He’s a coward and is bailing, and I’m sick of being the string along."
"I’ve been dark since Sunday night. No contact, nothing."
I see this as someone who is deeply hurt and REACTING to your anger and betrayal by closing yourself off emotionally. And that's okay if that's what you have to do to get through it. It's a coping mechanism. And you'll survive and even thrive in the end.
But if you want to challenge yourself to dig deep and learn the most and MAYBE have a chance at your M again, you'll have to acknowledge the deep hurt and face it & grieve. I did a grief group last winter that was geared towards divorce & death of spouse. Really helped understand my feelings. Maybe you could find a support like that.
You're doing a good job keeping your head above water shiss. These feelings will have to be sorted out, though. Either now or in your next relationship. Lead with hurt, not anger. You are entitled to your hurt hon.
Just remembered, my DB coach told me "you know, you have a real problem with impatience". Yeah yeah, I know... moving on...
I get the feeling you're in the same boat. Point is, you've been a real go-getter since coming here - what can I do? what's next? now what?
I get it and did the same thing. But you'll have to feel the hurt before you can move on from it. And I think your action plan has distracted you from the pain. Then the fact that your H has really rushed the D hasn't helped matters...
Just give yourself time to heal. This forum can be a real magnet for people who want a PLAN! But sometimes you just need to get through the day and center your feelings. And you can't plan for that.
Thanks Reb. I am hurt and I am impatient. Moves out 3/21, files 4/5 and I am served 4/17. It's all happening so fast, I don't know how to react. I'm staying quiet. At first I bombarded him with texts and calls, but it didn't do any good, so why not go dark? My C told me to make him miss me, and that's what I'm doing by not contacting him. I see this as my last resort, but with all due respect please tell me if this is not LRT in my scenario.
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
I am by no means the DB queen, but guess what? H misses who I HAVE BECOME.
More importantly? I like who I've become and while H back in my life would be what I would hope for, it will be okay if he is not there as my partner, I will be okay.
Were you very clingy and emotional during your marriage? Sorry, I can't remember. If you weren't, then NC is just behaviour he is used to.
90 days is a lifetime. Me? I would look at it as a gift.
