Hi, Hacker! In answer to your question about counseling, we're giving up on it. It's been pretty useless. I'm not so sure that another counselor would help either. I have a theories on why it hasn't worked. She missed a lot of things going on between us in the sessions, got a little too flustered when either of us challenged her (which was more likely than her challenging us) and gave advice we could have read just about anywhere. Although I believe this C in particular was pretty lame, my H has never respected psychologists and as far as I can tell didn't take any of her exercises for us seriously. So counseling seems to be over with, and I'm not just a little relieved not to have to spend another ruined Saturday after listening to my H carry on about my faults (the same faults every week) for an hour.
Don't get me wrong. I haven't blown off the fact that my H has problems with my behavior. I'm an argumentative person from a very loud family. I think this is normal, he does not. So I try very hard not to let him get to me and not to yell when I feel provoked and to calm myself down quickly when I do yell at him. H just doesn't think that's enough.
I think it's interesting though that I catch him often doing some of the things that he accuses me of doing. In particular he challenges everything and he raises his voice in frustration, but he denies doing both. As far as he's concerned, I'm the argumentative one who yells and he's my victim. He doesn't yell when he raises his voice, but I am "out of control." He's not arguing when he's expressing his disagreement, but I am "being argumentative." I keep trying to tell him that we're actually birds of a feather, and we're going to challenge each other for the rest of our lives, so he'd better find a way of coping with it. He's unimpressed. He just wants me to smile and be pleasant all of the time.
Oh well. After so much limbo, I'm beginning to think it's mostly all smoke and mirrors anyway...
Thanks for stopping in Hacker. I hope you're doing well, and that things get more grounded for you soon. Take care. --z
