Have been on this Board before and found it very helpful. I have not posted that often as my Limbo situation has not changed much. The Bomb was dropped on me almost 3.5 years ago but we are still together even though she was involved with OM for part of this timeframe.
We communicate on a daily basis, mostly about our 3 kids and work related topics. We have not had a relationship talk in over a year. Very much a state of Limbo. Whats bothering me recently is that she is now starting to exclude me from social events that in the past we would have went to as a family or couple. For example friends of ours had a 25 year wedding anniversary party last year which she did not tell me about and simply snuck off to without stating where she was going. I found out through a mutual friend at work what had taken place. This has happened three times over the past 6 months. Next weekend is a wedding for a daughter of one of our friends. My wife has not mentioned the wedding to me and has not yet indicated that she is going or what her plans are etc. I know about the wedding though my co-worker.
I feel that I need to put an end to this situation , it is one thing to not want to work on the marriage, but to not be upfront about what she is doing and where she is going does not leave me with a good feeling based on past involvement with OM. Any thoughts from folks as to whether I just let this pass, or do I need to question her on why and what her plans maybe going forward. She has not made any direct statement as to whether she is planning to stay or leave.
It seems to me that if she does not want to include me in these events then there is really no more hope in trying to address the stalemate in our marriage. Maybe its time to move on.
The Bomb was dropped on me almost 3.5 years ago but we are still together even though she was involved with OM for part of this timeframe.
Wow, 3.5 years? What have you been doing with this time? Why has nothing changed?
Originally Posted By: punchy
Any thoughts from folks as to whether I just let this pass, or do I need to question her on why and what her plans maybe going forward. She has not made any direct statement as to whether she is planning to stay or leave.
Are you ok with it? If you are, then let it go....if not, then it's time for a discussion.
Originally Posted By: punchy
It seems to me that if she does not want to include me in these events then there is really no more hope in trying to address the stalemate in our marriage. Maybe its time to move on.
It's difficult to say without knowing the whole story. Why do you think she's excluding you? Have you asked her about the other events?
What about you....what work have you done in the last 3.5 years? Have you addressed her complaints? Have you addressed your own issues? Have you become the man "only a fool would leave?"
For the past 3.5 years I have been working on becoming a better person, father and hopefully husband. I have addressed my wifes concerns with my inpatience, focus on money, selfishness and relationship with our 3 kids. I was not an easy person to live with because of these factors.
I now have a great relationship with our 3 kids and my wife has told me that I am much nicer person to be around and she recognizes that I am no longer focused on myself or money. Ieven went so far as to lend her parents $50,000 so they could buy a retirement condo. I have tried at various times to try and reconnect emotionally with my wife, but she has built a wall around herself that she will not let come down.
I have focused on GALing through playing hockey and going to the gym 5 times a week. My wife also has a gym membership, but will not go there at the same time as I go.
It has been a long and difficult 3.5 years, but overall it has been worth it as I feel that I am a much better person than when I started this journey.
For the past 3.5 years I have been working on becoming a better person, father and hopefully husband. I have addressed my wifes concerns with my inpatience, focus on money, selfishness and relationship with our 3 kids. I was not an easy person to live with because of these factors.
I now have a great relationship with our 3 kids and my wife has told me that I am much nicer person to be around and she recognizes that I am no longer focused on myself or money. Ieven went so far as to lend her parents $50,000 so they could buy a retirement condo. I have tried at various times to try and reconnect emotionally with my wife, but she has built a wall around herself that she will not let come down.
I have focused on GALing through playing hockey and going to the gym 5 times a week. My wife also has a gym membership, but will not go there at the same time as I go.
It has been a long and difficult 3.5 years, but overall it has been worth it as I feel that I am a much better person than when I started this journey.
Basically I have just tried to be there for her. I make sure to ask her how her day went. I listen and acknowledge without providing advice or direction.
I have also suggested doing family things like trips every once in a while, but she has always refused to want to do anything.
I also make sure that things are as stress free as possible around the house by helping out as much as she needs. For the last three years I have been very consistent in my approach and demeanor.
She really trys hard to make sure that we don't do anything together unless absolutely necessary. Its like she doesn't want to things to improve. She just wants to keep being unhappy.
When I have asked her about our relationship, she simply says that she can't go back. That it has been to long since she has had any feelings for me.
Rather than "talking" to her and asking her out, etc. Maybe you should try rebuilding what is there. Like slowly flirt with her, but not expecting her to react in any way. Joke around with her and start to have fun again.
Instead of looking at her for physical affection, give her a hug from out of the blue and tell her you appreciate something she had done and kiss her on the cheek, then walk away. Very cool and collected. She'll probably shirk away at first, but you do it very slowly and eventually you'll be able to get closer.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Sorry punchy, but your description of how you're there for your W sounds more like an obligation than anything connected to your heart.
It's not just saying that you're there for her, it's expressing your dreams for the future and desires! I would have melted if my H had expressed anything personal, random compliments, true appreciation, anything to make me feel special and loved.
Have you done any of that? It sounds like you've really worked on yourself a lot, but you're still not speaking her love language.
Thanks for the additional advice. Both of these approaches are certainly different than what I have tried in the past. I have been hesitent to try some of these in the past because I didn't want to be seen as pursuing my wife.
The one area that I have focused on has been to give my wife compliments about things she has accomplished at work, how she parents and looks. These have generated little if any reaction. As far as sharing my dreams and plans etc these to are met with basic silence.
I am going to try these approaches and see if they can open up further discussion etc. I think in the past I have been too tentative in terms of trying to move things forward. Sounds like it maybe a good time to change things up.
