Well, I've been around, just not posting much. Things with H are still in flux. He floats between self-loathing at his failure to be a stable, loving, contributing part of my life and my inability to dress, think, drive or talk in ways he believes are compatible. We seem to have several days of good times in between these moods, so obviously I'm still missing something.
Two weeks ago, he started in on how it's all his fault that we're still seperated, and how mortified he is to be "powerless" to change things because of all of the things going on in his life. He went on about what a loser he is and how I deserve to have some kind of a commitment from him. I didn't let him off the hook, but I did try to validate. IMO, he is putting things in the way, and has some kind of motivation for keeping commitment on the back burner. I don't think he's a loser, but he needs to do the things he keeps putting off, so that he can make a "real" decision based on what is happening in his life, versus what is going to happen or what is supposed to happen.
We just got back from North Carolina where we attended his god daughter's wedding. We were feted like guests of honor, which H seemed to think himself unworthy. That's totally ridiculous, because his GD adores him and doesn't get to see him very often.
H showed me around where he used to live and work; and by the end of the weekend, I could get just about anywhere without a map. I am very proud of that fact, so I told H about it repeatedly. I also got to be of use to the bride's family by putting out last minute fires, which I love doing. H got to catch up with some old friends and made a few new ones. All in all, it was nice.
When we went to turn in the rental car there was a snag, because I hadn't understood the contract when we checked out; nonetheless, I got it fixed. H was completely annoyed and told me (then) that he new I had it wrong when we checked out the car, but he didn't want to tell me because he can't talk to me. So apparently, there's no way I can win. It's my fault he can't talk to me. It's my fault he couldn't ask the agent to clarify things for us. Obviously it bugged him, because he sat on it for three days... so of course it's my fault that he waited three days to mention it.
I was ticked, but I did not blow up, because being ticked off just confirms that he's right. I stopped at saying, "Yes, I understand that I make you miserable." Then I just stood there in the airport crying. So it's not a heroic moment in DBing, but it wasn't the place to talk about it either. H said nothing, but did manage to find some tissue.
Later, I explained to him that I am frustrated, because I am trying very hard and obviously failing to gain his trust. I asked him what he wanted me to do, to make it easier for him to talk to me. No response. I pushed. He said that he could tell I was trying, and that I wasn't failing miserably. No other comments. End of conversation. Utterly useless.
In the meantime, I'm having a bit of a mid-life crisis myself. I'm weighing options and probably considering way too many. The most attractive options include running away and starting over somewhere else... sigh. Risky, but interesting. The least attractive options involve putting my head down and accepting that I am completely at the mercy of whatever comes my way. Still risky, but predictable. Well, something will break one way or the other... I'm probably going to opt for some kind of a change, and I've always had the best luck in not planning the change too carefully, so I probably won't know until the last minute. (That will drive H nuts.)
H is coming over tonight and tomorrow night and the night after. I don't know why, since I can't be reasoned with... or maybe I'm a saint this week... or maybe we're just ignoring it this week. I think we need a color code system, so I can know what counterproductive role I'm supposed to play from day to day.
I hope everyone else is well. I read more than I post, but I still check in on y'all. Take care. --z
