Hey, thanks Hacker and Chilly for stopping in. I read here more than I post lately, but I appreciate you checking in on me and adding your thoughts.
H and I have been very busy lately. The week before Easter, I had an out of town meeting and hosted two murder mystery dinners. H really started ramping up his visits to a new friend who is recovering from surgery. I'm really glad to see him at last making a friend here in town. Granted he's made friends among my friends; and he met this person through those friends, but as a couple of veterans these two have a unique way of relating to one another. I think it's good for him. H has also been busy with some personal projects. I have been tearing out and repairing stucco on my house. Whew!
We went to the C on the Saturday before Easter and she was ready to give up on us. She made some good observations about how and why we aren't really trying. Of course, agreeing with her and actually doing as she says are two different things.
We'd been getting along pretty well before the session, but afterwards I was feeling really down. Then out of the blue H popped off with one of his controlling pronouncements. It ruined the whole night. I followed the C's advice. I didn't talk about it while I was angry. Of course, H stopped talking to me too, and since I had to go to work in the morning, we didn't talk all day. It was ugly.
I wasn't really expecting the subsequent convo to go very well, and largely it didn't. We had the frustrating, stupid discussion in which he just doesn't get what's wrong with ordering me not to do things a certain way. Then we had the "I'm ready to walk" discussion.
And then... something wierd happened. He said something that prompted me to ask him, how he would have me react differently when he says thoughtless things. We ended up having the "disagreement" that we might have had Sunday night, but a lot calmer. I was asking "Well what if I'd said this?" H would respond, "No... more like this..." It was wierd sitting there discussing how we should have gone about disagreeing with each other.
After that we talked about all of the frustration surrounding the entire situation and why we each keep hanging in there... and we understood each other. I found out that he loves me and thinks it would be a terrible, haunting mistake to leave me, but he's worried that he'll end up hating me if things go on the way they are. We also agreed that he shouldn't move home until he's absolutely sure it's for good, but that this separation can't go on forever. It's a huge relief to know that he's not planning on keeping the status quo forever. Then our lives started to get wierd. H's best friend called with news that his daughter (who calls H her uncle) is getting married. There was no question that both of us would be going. Even though I'm relatively new on the scene, I made a point of calling her the next day to get wedding details... the girl stuff, not the logistical stuff. I think H was really pleased that I did that.
The next day H came down with a terrible flu. I thought I should have felt guilty that he wasn't getting much nurturing, since I was ankle deep in wet stucco... but it really seems like he just wanted to be left alone at that time anyway.
The very next morning we found out that our friend who hosts the weekly dinner parties -- and at whose home H's new friend is recuperating -- was rushed to the hospital with a terrible strep infection. I visited our friend at the hospital over lunch that day, stuccoed the house in the early evening, went to visit H's friend later on, then came home to sit with H who was still miserable.
By Friday, H was feeling well enough to visit our friend at the hospital. It was her birthday, but her H stayed at home to host the weekly dinner party. H and I are very worried that our friend has been taking too much on herself, and we're seeing that the dinner party crowd seems completely oblivious to the needs of our friend in the hospital or our friend who is recuperating at home. Most of them have not visited our friend in the hospital (a fifteen minute drive) even on Saturday, and few of them ever bother to climb the stairs to visit our other friend (50 feet from where they dine). H and I are righteously indignant about it, but keeping our sense of superiority to ourselves. I learned many years ago that it's not my place to criticize other people's friends to them. Though I do know that my friend in the hospital would be absolutely mortified if she knew that her other friends were basically ignoring an invalid in her home. I doubt she needs that stress right now.
On Saturday night, H and I went to a dinner party with "the crowd." One of our friends tried to impart the seriousness of our friend's illness, but most of them were incredulous ... and actually got defensive when it was rightly suggested that our friend was ill because she was taking care of everyone else instead of herself. H and I stayed out of the "clique" and found some reasonable people to talk to all night. Actually with this other group, I was getting to be rather ebulant. I asked H if I was starting to babble. He said that I wasn't and that he was enjoying hearing what I had to say.
Since lent has ended... and I successfully avoided both meat on Fridays and chocolate for the duration... I've been on this kick about self-discipline. I think H has noticed that too, and self-discipline is something he really respects. You know how you know what you're supposed to do, but rarely do it. Now, I've got a little regimen going in the mornings and evenings that is helping my overall health and appearance. I got up at the crack of dawn on Saturday and worked for five hours in the yard and house. Also he's gotten bossy with me a couple of times this week, but not seemed to mind when I thoughtfully told him that I could indeed do exactly what he was telling me not to do. One time he told me that I couldn't call him handsome... "Ha!"
H asked me to consider some ideas in which we could work together to earn a little extra money. He has also gotten ambitious about losing weight. Though he seemed less open minded on how to lose weight, I'm still very excited by these changes, since they are right on track with my way of thinking lately. Sex seems to be back in fashion again too. Woo hoo!
All in all, this last week since the big fight has been really good for the two of us. I feel like the pressure is off. I feel like we're being each other's friends. I feel like I'm getting as much as I'm giving, which is pretty cool. H and I are still running between the sick beds of our friends... and we have another full week ahead of us. Maybe we'll have two good weeks in a row.
If you've made it this far, I hope you have a good day every day until I write back. TTFN! --z
