first time & need help still

[albamarie]

Is your h a narcissist? Small section of article:

has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
requires excessive admiration
has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

The narcissist gains attention, but there is a malfunction in the recognition of attention; it is not sufficient or is too fleeting to maintain his assurance in his existence. His brain is stuck in a feed-back loop wherein he must continue to create existence by eliciting attention and acknowledgement from external sources. Just as you are not able to survive without a constant supply of air, a narcissist is not able to survive without a constant supply of attention.

[nero]

hi dwn - tnx for reply- spinning in anger at moment - yay me

Ask him point blank, why do you come up here to NJ, why? If he says it's for you, say WHY? I would make him (after all this time) admit to something, make him say what he want's from you!

I have and do say just that stuff - he says "I enjoy your company and I want to see you". i always just can't think of anything to say other than "f you" - so i just say do what you want - you own half and i can't stop you.

beyond that- i swear - what does one say other than (just stop & it's over - allllll over and go kll yourslef you make me sick and you should make yourself sick too)

Your guy having had a side-kick all this time, well, I think it suxs and it shows he needed a parachute throughout your R, why? Why did he not commit to you, maybe it was mutual, or did you go with his flow, did you ask to M, these are things for you to think about.

you know- he had big issues with commi5ment - but i do too (not quite as badly- but felt quite trapped and not-so-happy in my first marriage. something about the finality of it all- "is this all there is ever going to be in my life- if so, why bother". so i brought some baggage too.

when we chatted about marriage - i said i would give it a whirl- i wouldn't mind being married. he's always ben too afraid - i never thought it mattered (love & commitment wise) at the end of the day. it was merely a legal arrangement. (too many years in law office for both of us.

that being said tho- i was as committed as marriage - totaly loyalty til death do us part. he knew that. he lied to me plain and simple . maybe he really does have issues about committing because of his parents- maybe he's such a giant jerk and liar he just used me and i was making it very easy because of the person i am. too late now to second guess my liberal and trusting personality now.

i pretty much accept people for what and who they tell me they are- i never ever ever suspected he was lying ever. too trusting (aka stupid) on my part. i never DEMANDED it because i agreed that it was no guarantee- it's undoable always if you want it to be. it's inconvenient tho!. i was too niave i guess - like, what? forever....

I do go along with it, but inside when he speaks to me I am screaming, GET THE F**** OUT OF MY LIFE YOU F*** CRAZY MAN, I'M SO SICK OF YOUR FACE! That is for NOT-H! If my H is somewhere in there still hoping I will L him or keep up the good fight, then so be it

me too - i go along - but wonder if i can any more. i feel the same- screaming inside - remaining calm and as if on outside- not so good for the inner us is it?

i can't act like "it's not there. him & ow. i can't talk to him- hear his voice - he knows it- i just hung up last time he said he was "going out of town" . he acts like i am okay with it- like he reports to me what he's doing- like it's going to EVER be a part of my life. like - i wonder if he really does have a brain tumor preventing him from being normal. what normal man can do this to another human being?

honestly- i don't know what i want to happen here. i like nj- have friends, fam. a life of sorts - possibly job . i have same in fla and could live there- but i'd prefer to do both and go to both places & us be together all the time. apparently we can't be apart or he's a cheating jacka$$ - where does that leave me and what would i even "demand" were i going to demand something.

i want to demand he stop being a liar- is it even possible?

i want to demand that he be in love like mad like olden days and treat me like it- is that even possible? no, it's got to happen on it's own - can't make it

i would stake my life on him believeing rite now he'll never marry anyone. maybe it's true- he's soooo damn afraid of sharing his life, self, money, whatever the heck it is he's thinking he's got that is soooo special . i can't fathom it- i can share everything i have, am and am likely to get.

SO it's easier to say "Im sick of being stuck w/this family" because we remind him of his failures, rather than face life and move forward (weak a$$ SOB can't do that).

Weak men don't take control and grow up,

i agree - i remind him of his age & limitations and throw in his inability to get it up (guilt i am certain) it seems hopeless today and maybe forever. maybe he never was man i thought at all - he's a weak a$$ also- crawl back into his glory days of tennis & young attorney on way up- with cow of a secretary) i could vomit (alot when i think about this) no other response to have to such lame behavior and pathetic-ness. it is pathetic - he is pathetic -

Don't you regret asking my opinion now, lol? Can you talk to him like a friend on the couch one on one, no anger, just showing him your strength and intelligence?

nope - i don't regret it at all. it's interesting - i'm not sure we can talk. i'd like to- get some stinking bottom line- then i think of mwd saying don't talk about r, don't talk about l, DONT DONT DONT -

AND I hesitate to go there. so far- it's always turned into him being MAD AND GETTING really icky - talking and to behold. I DO NOT THINK he can do it- just talk to me. he is too "in his head" about it- and when it comes out it's soooo stupid and unreal- no kidding. his brain freezes and out comes childish junk. AS IN- NOTHING ACCOMPLISHED at all by it that is productive or good or even neutral.

so- i'm not sure. it still seems to me that the only 'TALK" WE CAN HAVE is me issuing ultimatum and saying what i think and am ready to do. he cannot seem to express a plan of action oranything . see- even your ranting h has something to "say" - this guy here- nothing - helloooo - anybody in there??? maybe not anymore...

i'll give it a whirl tho0 you're rite in what you say. i always said i was not a girl to share. period. i surprise myself that i'm here- but i'd never say to him it's all the junk i own and hate to even think of moving or selling or throwing out- and it's no good job at moment so can afford self (and of course - his $hitty attitude about making me pay for half of house (top dollar being the threat) to scare me about finances. it's no laughing matter for me- i've done really really poor- it's no fun at all.

anyway- lots of food for thought from you and thanks. i need to hear it- i can listen from you becasue you are there too- when you say you're screaming at not-h - i feel same. i am a person very very very bad at confrontation. i also have fear at moment in my life about too many important people disappearing. my problem i know- linda dying did anumber on me. sometimes it's more than i thought- like a twin dying- don't know how to explain it.

all my usual stuff- i'm going to reread this and re-comment later. neice from va showed up last nite by surprise- so i need to go visit before they leave town again-

what a crew- never know what the heck anyone is doing or may do but very nice to see her and baby-

thanks for thoughtful reply

bck later.

xxo (yeah- i know- last minute whim wams this @$$ returning wed- me feeling like f this

[albamarie]

Nero - "I enjoy your company and I want to see you".

Personally, I would say, you broke us, you live your life separate from me as a single man, we are not a couple. You broke my heart, I loved you as my H and I you chose to leave this R. Why do you want my company? What do you want from me because I am trying to figure out my life.

I have told this to H, not in anger, but w/strength and honesty. He got it, he didn't get angry, he spoke up a bit, at least put a real boundary out there. I don't except you as you are!

DO what works for you, and your sitch and how you need to approach your H. But, you need to get off this ride one day, for yourself!

[albamarie]

"You may be a strict Stander, or you may choose to Stand without a strict aversion to divorce, or you may simply be uncertain whether your relationship is worth a Stand. It is for each individual to choose whether to Stand, or whether to step down. Some Standers are for Life, continuing to Stand knowing restoration of their marriages is unlikely."

The last sentence reminds me of a movie where the mom confesses long after dad dies that she new he was a player. Hell no! I don't want this for myself. Why would a man deserve to have two lives, at my expense especially!

Here I stand, and I hate him more for having to be here, he uprooted my life, he should pay!

[nero]

hey dawn-

you're gonna be sick of hearing my "voice" today- but - NOW tht i'm in my thread - and re read your note-

Personally, I would say, you broke us, you live your life separate from me as a single man, we are not a couple. You broke my heart, I loved you as my H and I you chose to leave this R. Why do you want my company? What do you want from me because I am trying to figure out my life.

I DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID. i DID HEAR your little voice in my head an did manage to get the above out there almost verbatim. I said " you're living as a single man doing your "tennis guy" thing, complete with ow & whoever else have dangling along. you've broken irreparably what we had as a r - maybe I would never want a life with you again" "I'll be sad if you're gone out of my life forever - BUT cannot imagine that i would want to care about you anymore - ever" and 'i sure do not like it as it is" - "so, what am I to you and why do you want to keep me in your life, coming here - not just ending it and going on with your wonderful new life w ow?" same old thing- HE careS a great deal- WE'VE BEEn having some good times lately- almost like old times, blah blah blah - people can have r that are not strictly love or nothin"

dawn- with him- i do feel like it might have to be love or nothin - if i'm honest) ... then he just spins off asking me why i need to talk about this??? why i ask about past??? what it accomplishes???

I said my talking to him is ABOUT ME (not him) - FIGURING out what i want to do with my life as it is- it's making ME UNHAPPY- AND I want a life like what he thinks he has. fun, love, sex, affection, etc. - It's not about WANTING anything FROM HIM- OR ASKING SOMETHING FROM HIM - it's me changing my own future. that i am not satisfied with my life as it is- and if this is what he's got to be - then i'm trying to figure out where i want to go with my own life , very possibly without him in it..

then he also throws in - very reasonably- how hard it would be financially on my own- i can always just choose to end it tomorrow - he'd go away- blah blah blah...

i tell him finances are not a reason to live like this- unhappy. Even poor as hell a person can be "free" and go find a new and hopefully better life & r & happiness (with luck).

I have told this to H, not in anger, but w/strength and honesty. He got it, he didn't get angry, he spoke up a bit, at least put a real boundary out there. I don't except you as you are!

I DID TOO - HONEST!!! i don't know what/if it meant anything or produced any result i could see. i put it out there- no anger- no screaming- no gritted teeth. it's there and said. sooooo- now what?

did you mean it was just good to say it out loud to him? i don't get rally how this is a boundary other than pointing out again that I hate it all as it is- and (think) i won't be doing this forever. i don't think he takes it/me as a serioys threat. i hate being neglible- he swears i'm not neglible in his life- but he doesn't jump in and commit or profess undying love either. he won't say it out loud to me- but he apparently thinks that's reserved for ow.

i told him i view us like this: me an addict trying to kick a bad addiction that's hurting him- and him as a person with a terminal disease that is killing him and it's sad as hell, but beyond my ability to fix.

duhhhhhh......

it does feel good to have "communicated". i can't believe we actually had a conversation - however icky the content. it was okay- i even said to him that he doesn't communicate and it makes it impossible for me to EVER make informed decisions. I did what you said- we did talk - i just don't know wht or if it means anything????? but it's bettr than not i'm sure. God - i'm soooo out of the habit of communication with him - that is sad in and of itself...

and i hate that i'm so reasonable- days like this i wish i was allll passion and righteousness and insane - blind - decision making and flamng rite out of his life... no kidding

it's not about his comfort level;= it's about the other person in an r with him- and how his actions/words / lack of words effects them. SOMETIMES - IT'S JUST ABOUT THE OTHER PEOPLE TOO- in life. at some point- he actually said out loud

(in total disbelief & surprise) "you mean i should do it just for the good of someone else"???? i couldn't believe - he couldn't fathom it ... i said "well, is that concept soooo beyond your understanding or ability?" "you honestly are surprised that you should ever even consider the other person and what they feel????" i don't think he had a response- i'm still amazed at his amazement that i'd even suggest he consider someone else's feelings... wht sort of person is this?

i'm outta here

xxoo

[nero]

okay - just throwing this out there.

just reading around - amazed at how many people all of a sudden find themselves in EXACTLY THE SAME place . thinking more now about what they want than about mlcr and what the heck is up with them , etc.

time line? longevity? sticking with it til we're ready to croak and not feeling any "change" or encouragement (necessarily?)

don't know- am amazed at people's stamina and fortitude in the face of this terrible crisis in one's life.

amazed at my own being here still - standing. would never have thought i would or could-

hate it- still saying "you can do it today".

had long phone chat w/h. not "rewarding" - BUT not screaming or recriminations. asked ?? and heard answers w/o insanity(on my part). why? i just seem to NEED TO KNOW exactly what is and was going on so i can make any decisions with full knowledge. just me.

no particular answer arrived at- said my "peice" a bit about our r, (or non-r) possible future (or none) ow - hate fest- etc.

all calmly, reasonably, etc. I AM AMAZED READING A COMMENT by snodderly in someone else's thread - how ON POINT it was and pertinent to me, my life & sitch, h, etc.

it inspires and humbles me allll the time - this forum - the wisdom- the pain - the ability to share & accept some solace - i want to hate computers because honestly- my h & his computer obsession has ruined my life (for the moment anyway- totally)

YET - HERE i am on this forum - my lifeline to sanity & compassion- where would i be without it? i'm sayin- dead in the water

that's all. i'm grateful- i'm so "at sea" in this mlc mess.

i would never have imagined good ole me could ever - or would ever - have found herself in such a confusing quagmire in life and at my age (62) after a long and happy lifetime (it feels) and now this- $hit tornado of a life...

just goes to show ya huh? anything is possible - no kidding.

oh well- going to have a good day or die here. h spent time on phone trying to convince me (& self??) of why he should come back up here wed (he's been gone 3 wks - seen ow in there a bit) ???; that i should stay in his life if for no other reason than finances!?- he'd be a good handyman if i needed something fixed?! - lots of junk that would "benefit me" but not mean anything to him necessarily (as in - he's not sayin he loves me and his stupid life would be empty without me in it (which is what he should be saying) -

me - frustrated & nuts as usual- got some junk out there on the table- i guess it's better than just silence & my imagination-
per Dawn's excellent advice - i tried to sanely "unload" a bit -

i'd be dead or crazy without this forum

thanks.

[albamarie]

Nero - It does feel good thought to finally break some silence, doesn't it.

your h says the same $hit as everyone else here, live w/me and my [censored], I need you around and why don't you get that! I have traded the attention I gave you to something else in my life, hell, I gave you so many yrs, people change, but be my friend!

BRB

[albamarie]

I'm back! Why are they the ones making these choices and then asking us if we can live with that/this them as they are? I never use this term but this has to be cake-eating.

You did well Nero - your right these questions were for you, F him! Don't think for a minute he's not thinking about what you said, he very much is, don't forget these MLC'ers are locked up in their heads.

Great comment about the shelves not needing to be fixed. My h does that too, say the money and the chore should be enough to make up for the fact that they have left the R. MLC fog speak!

I think we have been at this with some others on this site long enough that we are reaching some phases at the same time...thank God....I can't be alone in this, sorry this is how we met but I need this site too!

I know it's crazy land but sometimes I just need to vent and relieve myself of all my thoughts, it's not in the line w/dbing but I am only a human!

[albamarie]

NEr0 - I too told my H I will never want anything ever to do with him again. No, there is no value to you hanging around my life and fixing things. I told him I want nothing, ever.....!

Don't be surprised if your H tries to get close to you now. That's a familiar thing they do.

[job]

Nero,
Please create a new thread. Your current thread exceeds the 100 postings that are the norm. Your thread filled up quickly!