Help & Advice Needed Please (Thread 3)

[AnotherStander]

I know people on here say as long as I have hope there is hope - but I'm just not sure it works like that.

It's not meant to imply that you can save your M just by holding onto hope. All it means is hope is alive as long as you care to keep it alive. But ironically, losing hope isn't necessarily a bad thing. Some sitches here didn't turn around until the LBS lost hope. I think it's because we tend to hang onto the WAS as long as we hold onto hope, but if we lose hope we completely turn loose of the WAS and set them free because we truly think it's over. Often it's that freedom that they need to gain clarity about what they really want.

[jp787]

I wonder if there is any hope at all for my marriage. Apparently my Wife told our Son over the weekend that we would be getting divorced soon.

I know people on here say as long as I have hope there is hope - but I'm just not sure it works like that.

At the moment my Wife seems to run hot and cold (not that I see her much) - one day she's nice and chatty the next day as cold as ice.

She seems completely infatuated with OM so there's really nothing I can do about that.

I have changed for the better - I'm a better person now - and many of my faults have been addressed whilst I'm still working on others...

I don't know... feel very helpless at the moment. If anyone has any comments and/or advice I'd really appreciate the.

Only thing I can say is it is HARD!
From what I have been told over and over, GAL and focus on what makes you the best you.
I know it's hard.
Too bad we all can't meet once a week in a group!

[Intact]

Thanks AS that makes sense - although, I do think I have let my W loose.

I never initiate contact - am friendly when we do speak - she also knows about my GAL. It's plain to see and I'm certain she feels "free" it just doesn't really seem to make too much difference - and I don't think it will whilst OM is in the picture, and according to her they are very much in love..

[AnotherStander]

I think you're right. The only thing I'd say about that is I feel that even if my W wanted to reconcile (no sign of it) I'm not sure she would have the courage to admit it.

And that is EXACTLY why I temp checked when I did. My W is TERRIBLE at communicating things, so I felt like I had to check just in case she was thinking of reconciling but didn't want to admit it. Wasn't the case though. And frankly I haven't heard of a single case where the LBS temp checked and got good news from the WAS.

[Intact]

A group would be very good JP.

I feel I have addressed many of the issues she had within our marriage. I am 100% confident that I am a better person now. But she just doesn't seem to budge apart from the odd day when she's nice and chatty but then it's back to the ice queen.

[Intact]

I think you're right. The only thing I'd say about that is I feel that even if my W wanted to reconcile (no sign of it) I'm not sure she would have the courage to admit it.

And that is EXACTLY why I temp checked when I did. My W is TERRIBLE at communicating things, so I felt like I had to check just in case she was thinking of reconciling but didn't want to admit it. Wasn't the case though. And frankly I haven't heard of a single case where the LBS temp checked and got good news from the WAS.

Yes I can't imagine it would go well.

Truth is I love my W and value our marriage greatly BUT - I'm currently 35 years old (yes I know thats not very old) but I would like to be married to a person and have more children - I was happy with 1 child but always wanted to parent with my Wife. How long can you possibly put your own romantic life on hold in case the fog clears and she changes her mind?

[kingdl]

Your situation sounds much like mine. My W never filed for D but has talked about it. Even mentioned it to the kids. I'm going to be 35 at the end of the year. I found out about OM in Jan 2013.

My W is visibly on an emotional roller coaster. She was crying yesterday and wouldn't repond when I asked why. She was thrilled to see D2 when I dropped her off this morning. Just last weekend, W invited me to hang out with family Sat & Sun. Most days she is cold and unresponsive. I feel your pain. It does seem like most days that an alien stole my W, and I'm just waiting for them to bring her back. I don't recognize the clone they left behind most days.

I think the length of time you wait is a function of your love for your W and your own willpower. I've found ways to increase both during this difficult time. This may not work for you.

To increase love I:
1) Read old love letters (to remember the woman the aliens stole)
2) Look at old pictures (to remember the times we smiled together)
3) Appreciate all of the wonderful things she's done for me over the years
4) Even appreciate the small things she still does (clean house, love our children, etc.)
5) Admire her beauty (especially when she smiles)
Doing these things will hurt you more than help if you have expectations. You need to understand the difference between hope and expectation. If you can't help but feel regret on what you are missing out on, then you are probably better off trying to forget (or distract yourself) for a little while.

I increase willpower by:
1) Practicing willpower in other areas of my life (e.g. dieting, exercising)
2) GAL
3) Detach - think of (or do) something else when your thoughts and feelings overwhelm you. "Act as if" your W is upset about something else. Find a way so that her emotions do not bring you down.

I think I'm at the point where if my M ends in D then it will be because my W forced it. Up until D, I believe that she is still undecided and unconvinced. Her words are always changing. I'll believe it more when she acts. Just realize that there are others out there going through something very similar (like me).

[Intact]

Thanks Kingdl, I really appreciate your comments.

I honestly can not bring myself to look at old photographs or love letters - I just find it too painful.

Like your W, my W does run very hot and cold - but generally cold. I'd wait years for my W if I thought it would make a difference, but I'm not going to lie, it scares me thinking of the future - W settled down with OM and me, still waiting, still lonely.

[jp787]

I honestly can not bring myself to look at old photographs or love letters - I just find it too painful.

I agree. I was sharing some pictures I had taken a while back that were posted on a online photo sharing account with a friend and there were family pics. I lost it.

[Intact]

Saw W very briefly this morning - only for a couple of minutes but it was a pleasant exchange.

It's silly I know but the last 2 days I've had this overwhelming feeling that I have wanted to send my Wife an email asking her to work on our marriage. I know it wouldn't achieve anything other than pushing her further away but I want her to know that I'm still prepared to work on on our marriage... It's very difficult.

It seems like despite all of the work and GAL I'm doing, the more time that passes the more I miss my Wife and our family. It's all so very sad.