you're gonna be sick of hearing my "voice" today- but - NOW tht i'm in my thread - and re read your note-
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Personally, I would say, you broke us, you live your life separate from me as a single man, we are not a couple. You broke my heart, I loved you as my H and I you chose to leave this R. Why do you want my company? What do you want from me because I am trying to figure out my life.
I DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID. i DID HEAR your little voice in my head an did manage to get the above out there almost verbatim. I said " you're living as a single man doing your "tennis guy" thing, complete with ow & whoever else have dangling along. you've broken irreparably what we had as a r - maybe I would never want a life with you again" "I'll be sad if you're gone out of my life forever - BUT cannot imagine that i would want to care about you anymore - ever" and 'i sure do not like it as it is" - "so, what am I to you and why do you want to keep me in your life, coming here - not just ending it and going on with your wonderful new life w ow?" same old thing- HE careS a great deal- WE'VE BEEn having some good times lately- almost like old times, blah blah blah - people can have r that are not strictly love or nothin"
dawn- with him- i do feel like it might have to be love or nothin - if i'm honest) ... then he just spins off asking me why i need to talk about this??? why i ask about past??? what it accomplishes???
I said my talking to him is ABOUT ME (not him) - FIGURING out what i want to do with my life as it is- it's making ME UNHAPPY- AND I want a life like what he thinks he has. fun, love, sex, affection, etc. - It's not about WANTING anything FROM HIM- OR ASKING SOMETHING FROM HIM - it's me changing my own future. that i am not satisfied with my life as it is- and if this is what he's got to be - then i'm trying to figure out where i want to go with my own life , very possibly without him in it..
then he also throws in - very reasonably- how hard it would be financially on my own- i can always just choose to end it tomorrow - he'd go away- blah blah blah...
i tell him finances are not a reason to live like this- unhappy. Even poor as hell a person can be "free" and go find a new and hopefully better life & r & happiness (with luck).
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I have told this to H, not in anger, but w/strength and honesty. He got it, he didn't get angry, he spoke up a bit, at least put a real boundary out there. I don't except you as you are!
I DID TOO - HONEST!!! i don't know what/if it meant anything or produced any result i could see. i put it out there- no anger- no screaming- no gritted teeth. it's there and said. sooooo- now what?
did you mean it was just good to say it out loud to him? i don't get rally how this is a boundary other than pointing out again that I hate it all as it is- and (think) i won't be doing this forever. i don't think he takes it/me as a serioys threat. i hate being neglible- he swears i'm not neglible in his life- but he doesn't jump in and commit or profess undying love either. he won't say it out loud to me- but he apparently thinks that's reserved for ow.
i told him i view us like this: me an addict trying to kick a bad addiction that's hurting him- and him as a person with a terminal disease that is killing him and it's sad as hell, but beyond my ability to fix.
duhhhhhh......
it does feel good to have "communicated". i can't believe we actually had a conversation - however icky the content. it was okay- i even said to him that he doesn't communicate and it makes it impossible for me to EVER make informed decisions. I did what you said- we did talk - i just don't know wht or if it means anything????? but it's bettr than not i'm sure. God - i'm soooo out of the habit of communication with him - that is sad in and of itself...
and i hate that i'm so reasonable- days like this i wish i was allll passion and righteousness and insane - blind - decision making and flamng rite out of his life... no kidding
it's not about his comfort level;= it's about the other person in an r with him- and how his actions/words / lack of words effects them. SOMETIMES - IT'S JUST ABOUT THE OTHER PEOPLE TOO- in life. at some point- he actually said out loud
(in total disbelief & surprise) "you mean i should do it just for the good of someone else"???? i couldn't believe - he couldn't fathom it ... i said "well, is that concept soooo beyond your understanding or ability?" "you honestly are surprised that you should ever even consider the other person and what they feel????" i don't think he had a response- i'm still amazed at his amazement that i'd even suggest he consider someone else's feelings... wht sort of person is this?
