Possible MLC - Opinions Please

[ForeverYoung]

I do worry that she really is just right, everything was wrong before and she has been pretending to be somebody she wasn't, and that she will get on with it all and be happy while I am still hanging on to hope like a teenage crush.

I know this is why GAL is so important, but I am beginning to feel the clock ticking for my own life now. Am I going to be single just before my 40th, is the question in my mind all the time, and do I give up now to try and be with some body who loves when the big event comes?

Happiness comes from within, no one else can make you (or your W for that matter) happy. Well, not for long anyways.

You're very early in the process... in the most painful part. Don't get tripped up thinking you need her or some new woman to make you happy or complete. You really don't. The sooner you figure this out, the sooner you will start to heal and move forward.

[mrtwopointfour]

mizjjd thanks for your post and sorry i've not had chance to post back yet to your previous questions.

You are right, I am focusing on my W too much. I don't know why as I thought I had managed to get over this. Its a bit of an emotional tug of war at the moment. When she is nice to me confident and happy I get pulled back in. When she is needy, or moody or nasty i am not that bothered any more.

Try to not think 2 years down the road - nobody can predict the future. Did you predict this sitch 2 years ago? I'm betting not.

No correct, would not have predicted this 6 months ago - there is no way in the world this would have happened to us, we were happy

GAL's well I am taking up an old hobby or two, things I gave up when W and I moved in together. (in hindsight I should not have kept these up). I have also just signed up to 'Meet Up', which seems like a great way to meet people that have similar interests - i need to make new friends - all of mine are married off, or live in other parts of the world. I am also looking into a new hobby which is something I always wanted to do but has a start up cost involved which is tricky right now, especially as I need to sit down with W and tighten the budgets for us both, and her amazing ability to spend little on the family but bits on either herself or save for trips away!

Venting is great, but it needs to be balanced by news of YOU and what steps YOU are taking.

Agree, i have a thread in newcomers called me, me, me where i am trying to get my goals sorted, Cadet told me to keep to one forum, but I didn't listen!!!

[mizjjd]

I don't know why as I thought I had managed to get over this. Its a bit of an emotional tug of war at the moment. When she is nice to me confident and happy I get pulled back in. When she is needy, or moody or nasty i am not that bothered any more.

You may be "over" one of the hills, but sorry to say you're in the MLC mountain range. Its a long trek, you'll have good days, sometimes a lot in a row, and then WHAM, a bad day slams into you.

This "tug of war" is much more easily avoided when you do "the process".

Detach, GAL, 180.

Find your own center so that her mood doesn't become YOUR mood.

(in hindsight I should not have kept these up)

should NOT? Or did you mean should HAVE?

Very glad to hear that you are pursuing different avenues of happiness/ fulfillment for yourself. I hear you about the "married friends"... I don't even know any single people lol.

Have a great day 2.4!

[Cadet]

Cadet told me to keep to one forum, but I didn't listen!!!

So I have to ask, is listening a problem for you?

[mrtwopointfour]

You may be "over" one of the hills, but sorry to say you're in the MLC mountain range. Its a long trek, you'll have good days, sometimes a lot in a row, and then WHAM, a bad day slams into you.

Yes, think that's pretty much what happened. Then the my panic clock started ticking again. As you say need to focus on Detaching again.

should NOT? Or did you mean should HAVE?

Whoops - yes I should have kept them up.

[mrtwopointfour]

Cadet told me to keep to one forum, but I didn't listen!!!

So I have to ask, is listening a problem for you?

Its something I am working on I promise.

To be honest I am usually one that listens to advice. My listening problems have come from my job where I tend to switch off to constant babble. Which I am afraid altered the way I dealt with W. I started to pretend to listen - not my proudest move!

[mrtwopointfour]

Something I just read on a thread by Intact, posted by 25yearsmlc

Since your w's claims about you mostly involve NOT pursuing her IN the marriage (unless you wanted sex) you may want to re-evaluate your strategy here. Get input from others b/c I may not be interpreting this correctly,

I had a habit of every intimate touch or affection, being taken to far into the want of sex. Now I am not doing any of these things, ie affection etc, because my W will not appreciate this. Or should I?, is showing here affection that has no sexual expectations a 180??? Or am I pursuing?

[SemperFi00]

Now she is loosing all the weight, looking slim, she is buying and wearing clothes that she should always have worn - but never did. Why now!

Because these are signs of depression, and REPLAY.

Although right now it seems like things are great for her, what is going on behind the scenes is not what you are seeing.

Right now she has a great mask that is hiding what is really going on.
As time moves along you may see it slip, but right now it is firmly in place.

All I can say right now is to trust the process.

2.4, nothing additional to offer today but thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thanks for the posting Cadet. I know not my thread but really needed to hear this today!!

I know in my head that what a MLC'er/WAW goes thru is not pleasant but on some days can't stopping thinking about the fact that they are choosing to go thru it, the LBS and children are not.......

Trying to stay consistent with the GAL and PMA!!!!!!! It really works when you are there...

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks SemperFi00, I am trying my hardest today and feeling a little better. Need to stop thinking of W as something I can't have, or did have but lost and think of her as a good friend for now.

I have started on my path to GAL today, and am going to meet up with people in my field of career in a few weeks - new people and hopefully new friends. This is the first GAL that is probably purely for me.

PMA is still mostly in tact around W. amazing how she can't just comment or tell me something simple these days. Even the minor things are a big issue. For instance instead of saying 'careful you don't knock that bottle over love' its more like 'watch it, you nearly knocked that over *sigh*'

[TSquared2]

I know in my head that what a MLC'er/WAW goes thru is not pleasant but on some days can't stopping thinking about the fact that they are choosing to go thru it, the LBS and children are not.......

I feel very strongly that they really DON'T "choose" to go through this, though it sure can seem like it from our side, and from what they say, and maybe at one point they DO believe it themselves.

It is a drive to escape their pain. Fight or flight, not much choosing...not "whether to" , but rather, "what method or how to"...imo.

The past few months my W (slowly making her way out of the tunnel) has been repeating "I am so sick of this and feeling like this, I just want it to stop, and have for a long time..."

Just a thought...
T^2