Received the order of dismissal for the divorce today. "... it is hereby ordered, adjudged and decreed that this matter is now dismissed for want of prosecution."
I suppose if my H can't put up with me being a bit of a downer for a few hours, then there's not much point in bothering with all of this. I know to pick myself up and keep plugging away. PMA has been pretty good the last few days. As usual, frustration got the better of me this weekend. I'm very concerned about money right now; and combined that with some other doubts about my life. I was feeling pretty down on myself. Of course, my H wanted to cheer me up and it led into a serious R talk.
Most of it was nothing new, other than the reasonably open attitude. H seemed a bit surprised that I didn't think we could be pals if he divorced me. I just don't think I could go on with my life if he was hanging around being my best friend all of the time. He said that he would want to know that I was okay and had found somebody new. He got po'd because the thought of that made me ill. The nerve of me to get emotional. Whatever? We pulled the convo back on track.
We talked about some of our sexual issues. There was a bit of heated discussion there, but it didn't break down into an all out argument. H told me about an incident in which I had said something very cruel to him and killed his desire for sex. I don't remember this incident at all and it doesn't even sound like me. That's a tough one, because I can't even tell him he read the situation wrong if I can't even remember it.
I did ask him if I said things like that before or since. He said that I hadn't. Hmmmmm... He swears up and down that this incident happened exactly the way he remembered it and I had exactly the intent he thinks I did. So, methinks he's being very unreasonable in re: the facts, but I trust him that "something" happened and his feelings did get hurt. I asked him a lot of questions about it. I made it very clear that I don't remember saying something like that nor can I think of an occassion to say something like that, nor would I ever want to see him hurt like that. Instead of letting it degenerate into a "yes-it-did-no-it-didn't" kind of discussion, I decided to own whatever part I had in what happened. Obviously there was some sort of misunderstanding and he didn't feel safe in clarifying it with me... so I apologized for whatever I might have done to hurt him. Best I can do for now, but I'm sure I'm going to hear about it again in C.
I am still not too sure about our C's idea of digging up our issues. I think it will too easily turn into "what you did two years ago" kind of garbage, instead of what is going on between us now. The bile my H spewed at me (which he denies) as he was leaving is a good case in point. It hurt me deeply, but it has very little to do with what's going on now. The thing I said to H that I don't remember saying is a good example too. There comes a time, when one has to look around and ask if "this" is a problem right now. If it's not, then it's time to let go of the grudge.
In our discussion, Saturday H also gave me the detailed reasons of why he found me unattractive... this was the nice version, where he was understanding about my physical condition. I can't really argue with my symptoms being a turn off, but I can only do so much about it. I'm not sure if there's a half way point on this. Obviously, I want to be attractive to my H, but I'm not going to obsess about this. I don't even gripe about it; and I treat the symptoms all day every day. He asked me to keep on top of it. I resisted the temptation to get defensive. It would have been very easy to read the implication that I wasn't staying on top of it, but I know that I am dealing with it as best I can and I guess I'll trust that he knows that too. If he doesn't know that then he expects too much.
The next morning he sent me this very romantic e-mail, detailing all of the ways in which I was beautiful and attractive that morning. He ended it with a "things don't change overnight, though" ??? Real smooth, H. I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I believe he must be grossly inept at doling out compliments and needs all the encouragement he can get (cheerleading). On the other hand, I don't really like being sized up every time I turn around. He seems to be unable to hand over a compliment without qualifying it somehow. He gets off on the tangents making comparisons. I half expect him to pull out charts or start a rating system for me. Okay, that made me laugh a little about it. I think time will sort this one out, but it is pretty ridiculous.
I read something today about ending conflict in marriage. It was a DB type strategy of being loving and giving and thoughtful, etc. It said that the person who will probably be most willing to return to intimacy after a conflict is the one who has been on the recieving end of all of this, and not the person who has been working the hardest to get things on track. It makes logical sense. I'm not sure which of us has worked harder though. Since he left and filed, while I DB'd, I'd like to think I worked my butt off... doubt H would agree with that. Still, it might explain my ambivalence.
Don't be afraid to explore the past if the goal is to get to the root of the issues. Remember that such instances are not the cause of the problem, they are merely the symptoms. If you do go down that road, it might reveal some areas that both on you can work on independently but more importantly, as a team.
Just avoid getting into situations where blame is assigned for things that happened. You mentioned that you avoided the "yes-it-did-no-it-didn't" type of discussion and that is important. What one person sees and hears can be very different than what another sees and hears. Isn't that the root of all conflicts?
Let the past belong in the past. However, don't be afraid to look back so you can move forward more secure.
I guess the best analogy would be the guy on a bike who gets cut off by a car. He rolls off the road into a ditch and knocks his head against a rock. Since he isn't wearing a helmet, he gets a gash with 10 nice stiches that will forever be a reminder. The next time he gets on a bike, he'll think back to what happened, not to blame the driver of the car (even though he was clearly the one who caused the accident) but rather to take the steps so that if a situation like that should occur again, he'll be better prepared. Obviously, he gets a helmet.
Look back not to see who was right and wrong but rather to see how you could have done differently, even if it means having to back down when you're right. Remember the basci rule of unconditional love: It is better to be happy, than to be right.
As for the piece of paper, don't frame it. It will just be a reminder of the hard times and the near-collapse. Get your H, have a nice candlelight dinner with some wine and a special dish, and burn the damn thing as the "special occasion". Put the whole episode in the past for good and look to brighter days.
I think your H and my ex-b are very similar. Ex-b was so upset when I've said previously that I can't just be pals. How do you do that with someone you love and have years worth of history with?
Ex-b is also REALLY bad with compliments. When we first met, he wasn't bad - not great, but okay. After a few months, he started talking a lot about how other women were cute (to get me worked up, I suppose) and I got fewer and fewer compliments. And they often had a "but" attached to them. Like..how I had a good heart "but" he didn't know if that made us compatible. Crap like that. Blecch.
It irritates me sometimes now to hear him talk nice about other people, but even if I fish for a compliment, it's tough to get one out of him. Why is it that I get so many compliments from everywhere but where I want them?
I hope things get better for you, I do read your thread often. I know there are many moments now where I just want to throw in the towel - if ex-b wants me, he needs to do the pursuing (if and when he wants that). You've been here longer than me, and I hope you get what you deserve - a wonderful, supportive husband who is attracted to you.
This week I did some cool things just for me. I'm working on ways to get myself out into the world without upsetting the balance with H. I had a brief e-mail exchange this week with someone who is interested in starting an Italian conversation group. Including H, it looks like we'll have about five people. H is very interested in this particular project and thinks it's cool. I'm a little surprised at his response, but glad that he's taken an interest.
I also joined bookcrossings this week. It's a website that acts as a database for books that have been "released" into the wild. Basically, we're a bunch of book nuts who register our books and then leave them for other people to find. The idea is that other people find the book, read it, post journal entries to the site and re-release it for someone else to do the same. It's a quirky enough idea that I thought I'd do it with a few of my books that I can't store anymore. I released two books today.
Tonight I am going briefly to a book club reception. The local library hosts a quarterly reception for people who have read a bunch of books from their list. Alas, H is anti-reading, so it would bore him immensely. I'm going for a little while before I meet up with him for our Friday night dinner party.
Not all of my plans went quite so smoothly. I pretty much botched my plans for tomorrow. I've had the 20th slated for a month as the day I would repair some of the stucco on the house. On the other hand, I've been trying to invest more time in my friendships, so last weekend an opportunity arose. I made arrangements to help a friend organize her office this weekend, AND scheduled it right over our C session. Triple booked! OUCH! H was understanding about rescheduling the C for my friend's sake. (She's under a deadline.)
I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to fit stucco repair into my schedule now, but I will. I suspect H is hoping I'll forget about it. Ha! I'm not sure why he's so discouraging when it comes to me doing work around the house.
I also feel a little bad about something that happened today. One thing that I believe was a big issue for H and I, was me putting my work first. When he asked me to pick him up from a doctor's appointment today, I jumped right in. I even volunteered to take part of the day off. He discouraged me from putting myself out, since the hospital is notorious for not having their act together. He was afraid I'd be waiting around for a long time. He told me over and over again about how I could drop him off in the morning on my way to work (a bit early for his appointment) and pick him up around lunch time. It didn't go that way at all.
I dropped him off; and the nurse immediately said, "Great go in there and change. We'll get your IV started." I went into work and not an hour later they called to say he was ready to pick up. SO, I had to explain to my boss why I was taking my lunch break two and a half hours early... not good, especially since he only had today to get things done between his trips out of town. When I got to the hospital, my H kept asking me to go to breakfast with him. He was so cute, all doped up from the anesthesia, but I only had enough time to get back to work. UGH!
It would have been entirely different if I had just arranged in advance to take leave time. There would have been no grumpy boss and no disappointed husband. Even if the hospital had kept me waiting into the afternoon, at least people at the office would have been prepared to get things done without me there. Live and learn.
Well, I made it to page 4. I know it's a strange personal goal, but I suppose I have to have some reason to keep checking on my thread. I was going to go for page 5, but PMA tanked this morning. For the very first time ever, I'm home from work because I can't stop crying.
I'm considering throwing in the towel, which is probably not going to happen or I wouldn't be back here posting. Nonetheless, I'm really tired of this limbo. I'm tired of my H's uncommunicativeness. It's starting to feel like the bad old days around here. H comes over in the evening, picks on me a little, turns on the television and sits in silence for the rest of the night. Last night he sat on the computer for three hours, while I worked in the kitchen and watched television by myself. Got up this morning feeling really antsy, H didn't want to talk. He had a good excuse not to talk, but he always has a good excuse. I don't like this dynamic and I think I'd rather he weren't around if this is how things are going to be.
I feel as though I'm just waiting for him to walk out on me again. I don't think he's committed to the R. Frankly, if we were dating and it was like this, I wouldn't bother. Well, we're married, for better or worse. I know I won't leave him, because I'm way too Catholic for that, but I wish he would make up his mind one way or the other. I wonder though if he decided to commit, if I'd even believe him. I believed him when he took a vow to me, and that didn't last for very long.
Focus on baby steps, not the big picture right now. It is still too early in the piecing process to expect significant turnarounds. I know it is very frustrating but this is a marathon and it may take a while. If you re-read what you have written in the last few months, you can see that bit by bit, issues are being addressed, albeit slowly.
Keep focusing on the positives and place no expectations on either him or the sitch as a whole. Accept his little quirks but don't let yourself be disrespected.
Could you two get away for a weekend and take a trip somewhere? Maybe you both need something a bit off the wall to get away from the hard work of piecing.
Thinking of you and that wildly fun weekend we all spent in Austin last year. I'd have gone this year but N and I received notice that we needed to stay out of Texas!
Hey, thanks Hacker and Chilly for stopping in. I read here more than I post lately, but I appreciate you checking in on me and adding your thoughts.
H and I have been very busy lately. The week before Easter, I had an out of town meeting and hosted two murder mystery dinners. H really started ramping up his visits to a new friend who is recovering from surgery. I'm really glad to see him at last making a friend here in town. Granted he's made friends among my friends; and he met this person through those friends, but as a couple of veterans these two have a unique way of relating to one another. I think it's good for him. H has also been busy with some personal projects. I have been tearing out and repairing stucco on my house. Whew!
We went to the C on the Saturday before Easter and she was ready to give up on us. She made some good observations about how and why we aren't really trying. Of course, agreeing with her and actually doing as she says are two different things.
We'd been getting along pretty well before the session, but afterwards I was feeling really down. Then out of the blue H popped off with one of his controlling pronouncements. It ruined the whole night. I followed the C's advice. I didn't talk about it while I was angry. Of course, H stopped talking to me too, and since I had to go to work in the morning, we didn't talk all day. It was ugly.
I wasn't really expecting the subsequent convo to go very well, and largely it didn't. We had the frustrating, stupid discussion in which he just doesn't get what's wrong with ordering me not to do things a certain way. Then we had the "I'm ready to walk" discussion.
And then... something wierd happened. He said something that prompted me to ask him, how he would have me react differently when he says thoughtless things. We ended up having the "disagreement" that we might have had Sunday night, but a lot calmer. I was asking "Well what if I'd said this?" H would respond, "No... more like this..." It was wierd sitting there discussing how we should have gone about disagreeing with each other.
After that we talked about all of the frustration surrounding the entire situation and why we each keep hanging in there... and we understood each other. I found out that he loves me and thinks it would be a terrible, haunting mistake to leave me, but he's worried that he'll end up hating me if things go on the way they are. We also agreed that he shouldn't move home until he's absolutely sure it's for good, but that this separation can't go on forever. It's a huge relief to know that he's not planning on keeping the status quo forever. Then our lives started to get wierd. H's best friend called with news that his daughter (who calls H her uncle) is getting married. There was no question that both of us would be going. Even though I'm relatively new on the scene, I made a point of calling her the next day to get wedding details... the girl stuff, not the logistical stuff. I think H was really pleased that I did that.
The next day H came down with a terrible flu. I thought I should have felt guilty that he wasn't getting much nurturing, since I was ankle deep in wet stucco... but it really seems like he just wanted to be left alone at that time anyway.
The very next morning we found out that our friend who hosts the weekly dinner parties -- and at whose home H's new friend is recuperating -- was rushed to the hospital with a terrible strep infection. I visited our friend at the hospital over lunch that day, stuccoed the house in the early evening, went to visit H's friend later on, then came home to sit with H who was still miserable.
By Friday, H was feeling well enough to visit our friend at the hospital. It was her birthday, but her H stayed at home to host the weekly dinner party. H and I are very worried that our friend has been taking too much on herself, and we're seeing that the dinner party crowd seems completely oblivious to the needs of our friend in the hospital or our friend who is recuperating at home. Most of them have not visited our friend in the hospital (a fifteen minute drive) even on Saturday, and few of them ever bother to climb the stairs to visit our other friend (50 feet from where they dine). H and I are righteously indignant about it, but keeping our sense of superiority to ourselves. I learned many years ago that it's not my place to criticize other people's friends to them. Though I do know that my friend in the hospital would be absolutely mortified if she knew that her other friends were basically ignoring an invalid in her home. I doubt she needs that stress right now.
On Saturday night, H and I went to a dinner party with "the crowd." One of our friends tried to impart the seriousness of our friend's illness, but most of them were incredulous ... and actually got defensive when it was rightly suggested that our friend was ill because she was taking care of everyone else instead of herself. H and I stayed out of the "clique" and found some reasonable people to talk to all night. Actually with this other group, I was getting to be rather ebulant. I asked H if I was starting to babble. He said that I wasn't and that he was enjoying hearing what I had to say.
Since lent has ended... and I successfully avoided both meat on Fridays and chocolate for the duration... I've been on this kick about self-discipline. I think H has noticed that too, and self-discipline is something he really respects. You know how you know what you're supposed to do, but rarely do it. Now, I've got a little regimen going in the mornings and evenings that is helping my overall health and appearance. I got up at the crack of dawn on Saturday and worked for five hours in the yard and house. Also he's gotten bossy with me a couple of times this week, but not seemed to mind when I thoughtfully told him that I could indeed do exactly what he was telling me not to do. One time he told me that I couldn't call him handsome... "Ha!"
H asked me to consider some ideas in which we could work together to earn a little extra money. He has also gotten ambitious about losing weight. Though he seemed less open minded on how to lose weight, I'm still very excited by these changes, since they are right on track with my way of thinking lately. Sex seems to be back in fashion again too. Woo hoo!
All in all, this last week since the big fight has been really good for the two of us. I feel like the pressure is off. I feel like we're being each other's friends. I feel like I'm getting as much as I'm giving, which is pretty cool. H and I are still running between the sick beds of our friends... and we have another full week ahead of us. Maybe we'll have two good weeks in a row.
If you've made it this far, I hope you have a good day every day until I write back. TTFN! --z
