gotta respond to a couple of your comments - THEN tell you about my phone conversation this morning - per your suggestons/comments/"honest answering" yesterday. my mind is in a jumble-
FIRSTLY - CONSIDER THIS: PERHAPS like any good science fiction movie- our h's are CLONES!!! and some superior race is planting them alllllover our country & lives - and they are allllll following the same plan- at the same time - saying same things at about same place in this mlc debacle ? worth a thought? could it be? they're soooo alike
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My H said point blank, he is an empty man, with no compassion, can I live w/that. Even though I said no, here he sits. Clearly he thinks his ''presence'' here is very important to me. I recorded our last talk and when I replayed it I was shocked to really "hear" him say, "isn't it just enough for you to have me home, doing chores, bringing in the $$?
just off phone- I say i want a life with more in it than a 10 min. phone conversation a day- i want love, affection, companionship- friendship- FUN - and i do realize that finances will be awful - HE REPLIES WITH (ISN'T FINANCIAL SECURITY) "A good enough reason to hang in there with him?????" wtf ??? WELL - NO - THT'S WHAT THE HECK I'M SAYING _ it's not enough- I WANT A LIFE - I WANT WHAT HE THINKS HE HAS WITH OW - - i know i'm talking out loud & I have the volume on- i want love, fun, etc etc. and some sex would be very nice also.....""" him: "duuuuuhhhhh"
i say it's insulting to be shoved out of a house and a town that i considered "home" for 35 years - just rude and wtf??? him: "duhhhhh....look at the bunny...." no meaningful reply
mine just sayd he is a guy who "doesn't see r like i do" - can i live with that?. wtf - that you can care about and be friends with someone alot (me apparently) and have sex with someone else and be friends with them too (ow). (oh cripes- what planet can he possibly be from- to think i will "bite" on that one). he says this conversationally -like it's making perfect sense to him. i counter with - well, i have and see value in friends, family- activities and interests of one's own - in and out of house- but sex is quite another thing. him: "well, i can see that" duhhhhh...... wtf???
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I heard him say, he will not ask for forgiveness, he will not be w/me like a H, or act as a F!
cripes - this is almost like a joke - the words & timing in our three r - it's creepy - (but - is it good or bad? hopeful or damning? whattyathink girls?)
so my h - - - when asked rite out- "you tell her you love her- she's the love of your life- well, is she?" no answer- somehow dances around & out and on to something else and i must take the bait- because i come away with no answer on that. he doesn't jump in with 'YES". HE says he will never go live with her- if she and i died tomorrow - he'd do nicely on his own- he is so blind about himself.
I say to him - that he said to me "i don't love you and never will" - I tell him that if i'm not the most important person in his life- i don't think i probably should be in it or want to be in the end..... duhhhhhhhhh.......
he says he feels people can be in each other's lives for a whole lot of reasons and it doesn't have to be love or "what it was", etc. blah blah blah- CAN HE BE FOR REAL???
DO YOU GIRLS think that "IT" CAN ever go to being just a friend or casual r with these guys and they fix things around the house - and they pay bills and they , WHAT? TALK ON THE phone five minutes a day- AND THAT IS ENOUGH????? AM I CRAZY OR HIM HERE???????? CAN YOU (AND DO YOU WANT TO) HAVE FIVE MINUTES a day of a "life" with someone????? why bother.
we both used to pick on his mother and laugh because she said (honestly & seriously) about raising children that: "children only need 15 minutes a day". wtf - no wonder he's f'd up- BUT here's him- thinking a r with me only requires that.
I told him i want a real life- that i feel awful to think he will never be in my life again but i can't do this forever - - - he's pushing me to THAT place- and he wonders "why i think he can't be there somewhere- the guy i call when something needs to be fixed" financial backup - - etc.
doesn't he get it- i don't think i will want him in my life if he pushes me to the place of being done with him and giving up on the person he is.
i tell him i need to know some tings about his past because i'm trying to figure out if anything we ever had was good or what i thought- KNEW - it was, because i'm not sure he's a person i even want to know- he may be a very bad person in fact- he says people change- we all do- etc - very philoshophical - i respond reasonably- he responds reasonably- it's sooooo INSANE I THINK MY EYES are going to pop out shortly.\
as i mull this back over- DAWN SMART SMART you to record- i wonder what he said - what i said- all of it- to sort thru (and make my self insane i bet) soooo much- probably an hour- no screaming or anger. i told him i'm not doing the fighting thing ever again- i hate it.
now that i'm here- i can't sort thru it- toooo much.
all i know is we remained calm- that's somthing i guess. he was pretty much trying to convince me he should come here wed. he needs to fix the book case - i said "why- so you can leave me with a stupid book case that doesn't fall down" "why bother" - somehow he thinks "he should fix it at the very least" wtf. doesn't he even wonder WHY he needs to keep me around - attached somehow- what the hell it means?????
he said "nothing is forever or unfixable or undoable" - that someday i might want to call him to come fix things (that's if i walked out tomorrow). i said i didn't think i'm like that- if i get to point of leaving- i don't think i'll keep him as a handyman or friend - he will be nothing to me - - - like my ex-husband. i don't think i'm that sort of person and THIS IS DEFINITELY not that sort of r. or was that sort of r.
i can't believe he thinks it- i'll be around somewhre in his life for the next million years - like ow ("they were good friends" f that!!! (for past 30 yrs!) i point out it looks mighty like he was cheating FOREVER. HE SAYS he has told me before not so. and why do i ask that more than once? he's said it already! - i tell him- I ask because IT'S FOR ME- my decision making process - my knowledge of ALLL the facts of our life - not for him. i'm not asking him stuff because i'm not hearing what he sayd- if i'm not walking out the door this minute - i need the reinforcement and some kind of feedback & reassurance that there is some reason from him why i'm not. what a selfish jerk- it's all about him - alllllll the time. how does one ever make a dent? it's like having my face smashed against a glass wall - real life on the other side - and being asked howcome i'm not enjoying it. (like him)
I tell him "BECAUSE (YOU JERK) don't you get it that everything you do impacts me" how can you not know that allll your "taking care of your own needs - when it includes other people - affects them" . everything you do - i shouldn't even have to point this out. you flay people alive left & rite and leave them bleeding and what? tra la - i'm so happy i'm so me - i'm so fine......-
gotta go - mom's lost purse & spinning outta control as usual- yikes ! hope this made some sense-
i did ask dawn - i'mjust not sure what bottom line is. this business of "wrangling" around with an attorney (who is good at his trade) has me exhausted.
